Maidens & Killers

Grief

     *Author's Note* Our favorite girl is back. I don't know how consistent I can be with posts until we get through the holiday season but I owed you guys this one 💋

      I can vaguely hear people calling my name but they sound distant and muffled. I am in a bubble of emotion as I race down the narrow stone hallways of Basgaith to the flight field.
“CRAOBH!!” I scream out, even though I don’t need to. My giant green dragon is already there, already waiting for me as though he had read my very thoughts, which he probably had. I don’t slow down my run as I approach him and vault myself up his front leg until I nestle into the natural seat that his scales have made me. We take flight without another word, as though Craobh knows that I need the silence right now. I want to fall into a void of silence and turn my brain and my heart off. Instead I scream out into the quiet morning like a battle cry, “GAAAAARRRRICCCCCCKKKKK!” as we hit a coasting altitude.

     Craobh just flies on. Basgaith says that we aren’t supposed to leave the grounds during our first year here, but they can absolutely fuck off. Third year cadets aren’t supposed to die during a War Games exercise either. My knuckles are white from the way that I am gripping Craobh’s neck and I try to calm myself down enough to release the hold I must have on him, though he would never complain. I want to fly home and take solace in my snow capped northern mountains, with noone around but me and Craobh. But I know that would be an all day flight and we have no provisions, it would also probably mean the end to my time at Basgaith and as angry as I am right now I don’t know if I’m ready to throw in the whole towel just yet.

I realize that I don't know where Craobh is taking me and start to look around and take in my surroundings. I notice in the far right distant corner there is a dark mountain peaking over the horizon and I gasp.
IT’S NOT THE NORTHERN MOUNTAIN RANGE, BUT I THOUGHT IT MIGHT HELP.”
“Thank you.” I take a deep, full breath for the first time since I found out that Garrick is dead. Craobh and I coast for another fifteen minutes before he lands about midway up the nearest mountain. It’s spring here, so there is no snow to be found, but the air is still crisp with the mountain freshness that is instantly recognizable to me. I climb off Craobh and he lowers himself to the ground in the shade of a nearby tree.

KNOW THAT I AM WITH YOU RIDER, IF YOU NEED ME. BUT, THERE IS A CAVE JUST THERE IF YOU WISH TO BE ALONE IN YOUR GRIEF.

Only a few months together and Craobh already knows me so well. He knows that I cannot bear to let people, or dragons for that matter, see me weak. I have too much pride for it.

    I give Craobh a broken smile and head in the direction of the cave that he has indicated. I found it easily enough and note that it may have been used recently.
Is it safe here? I ask Craobh.

I WOULD NOT HAVE BROUGHT MY RIDER HERE IF IT WASN’T SAFE. NOW GO FORTH AND GRIEVE, I AM SUNBATHING AND FANCY A NAP.

      I snort at Craobh’s response, imagining him sunning himself like my mother’s fat orange cat in the library window in my parent’s house.  The cave is cooler than it is outside, obviously lacking in the sunlight to warm it, but dry. I explore it about twenty feet in and note that while it has been used recently, it is not currently being used. I remove my flight jacket and lay it on the ground and curl up into a ball on top of it, wrapping my arms around my legs and making myself as small as possible. I begin to rock myself as the first few tears drip down my face, and allow myself to finally grieve. I cry for Violet, and Xaden and everyone else on that team, but I mostly cry for Garrick. I cry for what we had, as well as the potential of what we could have had in the future. Any thoughts of us making this work and ending up fighting in the field against the enemy side by side are gone up in smoke. Daydreams of sneaking away to taverns in distant lands during our off time float away.  My grief swallows me down into a vortex of pain and unnerving fear for the future. I allow myself to feel everything that I need to feel while I lay in the otherwise silent cave, because I know that my outburst at Basgaith will cost me and I must not show any more weakness from this point forward.

       Once I am all cried out, I take a deep shaky breath and center myself. Meditation has always been a second home for me, it helped me in my youth to deal with my parents and it has helped me since I have been here at Basgaith with the other cadets. My calm and sensible nature is one of the things that Garrick loved about me, and I must hold onto it with the strength of what we felt for each other. There is no longer any light streaming in from the cave entrance when I finally rise, hours later, from my spot on the floor of the cave. I stretch the tension out of my body and walk out of the cave into the starlit night. It’s beautiful up here on the side of this mountain, the stars are the only light that you can see and there is such a sense of peace. I know that tomorrow morning there will be a name reciting ceremony for all of the lost riders before their things are burned but it doesn’t feel like enough. Slowly I walk to the edge of the mountain side, where if I were to walk forward another ten feet I would find myself in a steep downslide, and stare out into the abyss.

     “Garrick Tavis.” I whisper into the starlit night. I feel better instantly. Whatever consequences I am to face back at Basgaith, and whatever happens next in my life, I know that I once had a great love that the stars knew. I have felt that power and I am grateful for it. I find Craobh sprawled beneath the same tree near the entrance to the cave.
Did you have a good nap? I ask him.

I DID RED ONE. THANK YOU. AND DID YOU FIND PEACE IN YOUR HEART, RIDER? DID YOU GRIEVE?
I did, I tell him. I really and truly did.