Maidens & Killers

Pain

    Flying is the only place that I find peace. It’s been two days since my fight with Garrick and I haven’t seen him around Basgaith at all, which is probably for the best. Craobh takes another huge winding dive and I tighten my grip on his neck at the last minute, allowing the wind to whip me around.
“YOU’RE DISTRACTED.” Croabh barks at me.
Maybe a little. I admit to him as we level out again before shooting back up to a higher elevation.
“YOUR FIGHT WITH THE SECTION LEADER LINGERS IN YOU.” Craobh isn’t even trying to keep the judgemental tone out of his voice.
I mean, the fight is one thing but now he’s avoiding me. I argue.
“I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT CHRADH HASN’T BEEN SEEN FOR A FEW DAYS AS WELL, NOR SGAEYL.”
Craobh leans to the right and makes a tight sideways turn forcing me to jostle my position on his back again.
It makes sense that Garrick and Xaden would have taken off given the current environment at the college. Tons of members of Navarre leadership are flying in and out to prepare for War Games and the upcoming celebration of the end of the Tyrrish rebellion.  This morning alone I nearly ran straight into Dain’s dad in the flight field hallway.

     As we finish flight practice, I drag my feet getting off Craobh and heading back inside. It’s Friday, and while very few good things came from my brawl with Imogen, it did get me out of Wednesday's lessons with Professor Carr.  Today, however, I have no such luck. I make my way through the flight field to the corner courtyard that we practiced my signet in on Monday and am shocked when I turn the corner to see Garrick standing with Professor Carr.  I haven’t seen him in two days, and immediately am overwhelmed with a desire to go up to him and throw myself at him. He looks good, though the bags under his eyes tell me he hasn’t been sleeping any better than I have.
“Ah, Cadet Holsten. Right on time as usual. Your section leader here was just telling me that he and your wing leader have taken a special interest in your signet power. He wants to observe your training, if that is okay with you?” Professor Carr asks.
Garrick and Xaden have a special interest in my signet power? That’s concerning.
“Sure, no problem with me.” I try to make eye contact with Garrick as he stands there with his arms crossed behind his back, almost in formation style. His eyes are dead when I meet them though, he’s obviously wearing a mask of an uninterested member of leadership right now.
“Okay then, if there are no objections, let’s get started. Same idea as last time, let’s start with centering your power in a specific spot on the ground. Let’s say, twenty yards that way.” Professor Carr grabs his notebook and begins scribbling away while I take a deep breath and let my power slowly creep up my spine and out my finger tips.

     “Enough!.” My knees give way as I try to control the power pouring out of me. We've been at this nearly an hour now and I'm completely spent. I hear another large crash in the distance but am too exhausted to open my eyes and see the newest destruction I’ve caused. I barely hear Garrick’s frustrated objections.
“She needs to learn how to control the power, not let the power control her.” Professor Carr tries to argue with Garrick.
“She won’t learn that in a day, and you're pushing her too far. Burnout is a real thing.” Garrick retorts.
I crack my eyes and see that Garrick and Professor Carr are standing almost toe to toe. It kind of sounds like Garrick cares what happens to me. He’s surely not backing down to the professor he’s staring off with.

“I said she’s had enough for today, Professor. I can ask the wing leader his opinion if you like?” Garrick says, raising his eyebrow at the brown haired professor.
After a moment I can tell that Professor Carr is going to concede to Garrick. “Fine. I will see you Monday then Cadet Holsten. We will pick it up there.” With a flounce Professor Carr walks off the courtyard, leaving Garrick and I alone for the first time since he told me that I wasn’t his.

    I have imagined in the last two days multiple times how I wanted to see Garrick for the first time again. I imagined myself wearing the green satin nightgown with perfectly braided hair, reminding him of what he was missing. I imagined Craobh and I soaring past him and making him eat our dust on a training mission. Never did I imagine I would be laying on my stomach in the courtyard, barely able to catch my breath with what I believe is drool dripping down my chin. I quickly wipe my face to rid it of whatever is dripping. Blood, not drool, thank the Gods.
Garrick is standing over me, still wearing a mask of indifference. “Come on, let's get you back to your room.”
Garrick reaches his hand down to help me up, but I don’t take it.
He taught me that you only take the hand of someone you truly trust and I can see the mask he’s wearing falter with hurt in his eyes.
He lets his hand drop though and patiently waits for me to struggle up to my knees and then to my feet.

     We make our way silently to my room, and I expect him to leave me at the door. Instead he follows me into my small room and closes the door behind us. I wish he hadn’t done that, it’s hard enough for me to stay strong with him out in the open. Now, in the small room, it is taking every ounce of my self control not to drop to my knees and apologize to him and beg him to take me back. I’m still too hurt for that, I don’t need to be an option for someone. Just a good time but not important enough to trust with your life and secrets. 

    Garrick clears his throat before speaking, “Imogen says you and her worked your stuff out.”
I cross my arms across my chest in full defensive stance. “Ya. She’s my wingmate after all, we need to be on the same page.”
“That’s good. War games are coming up and we don’t need any extra tension in the wing.” Garrick is looking at something fascinating on his thumb rather than at me.
I shake my head to clear it and sit down at my small desk where I had the forethought this morning to grab some food and leave it in my room for my lunch. I sit cross legged in the chair and pick at my roll and cheese.
“I owe you an apology too.” I say before I can catch the words from coming out of my mouth. “I can’t even pretend to know what it’s like to be you, to be a marked one. You haven’t exactly let me in, but I made assumptions that I don’t think are true anymore. I was so worried that next year I would be here and you would have graduated and I would miss you, but I never once thought about the danger you would be in on the front line. I was selfish, I am trying to learn to be better.”

     Garrick finally looks up at me, “I owe an apology to you as well. I said things that I didn’t mean, but they’re said now and I can’t take them back.”
My breath catches, “But we’re they true?”
“Does it matter?” Garrick asks before flopping back onto my bed and covering his face in his hands. “Some of it was true, yes. The rebel youth are my responsibility and I have to keep them the priority. We are all each other have and I take that responsibility seriously.”
I nod, Imogen had explained as much to me. “How about the part where you said I was never yours? Where you said that you were pretending to be someone else when you were with me? Was that true?”
“That’s not as black and white of an answer. “ Garrick huffs.
I wait, trying not to pressure him to speak.
Finally Garrick speaks again, “ There are things that I can never tell you that are huge parts of my life. Where do we go from there? Love isn’t everything, there is something to be said for practicality too. I shouldn’t have said that I was pretending to be someone else, because that isn’t really true. I think that I was compartmentalizing my life. With you I am still Garrick, just the version of myself without as many responsibilities. But real life is that I do have those responsibilities and there isn’t anything that can be done.”

    I stand from where I am sitting in the chair and walk towards where Garrick sits. I grab his hands in my own. “Can I help you bear some of that responsibility? I’m sturdier than I look.”
Garrick and I are face to face now, “I don’t want to endanger you, my mother..”
I cut Garrick off, “I never got to meet your mother unfortunately, but I know that I am not her.”
Garrick nods, “No. No you're not. You remind me of her in some ways though. But you're also the best rider in your year. Your brilliant and fiery and Gods damned the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
I cup Garrick’s face in my hand. “I’m falling in love with you Garrick Tavis, secrets and responsibilities be damned.”
Garrick presses a kiss to my palm, “Is it enough though? Love?”
“What else do we have? They’ve shown time and time again that they can take everything from you Garrick. Don’t let them take this.”

    Garrick doesn’t respond at first. Finally he stands, and moves around me. He sets a large book down on my desk before turning towards me again. “You need to read this. If you still….. Want me afterwards, we will talk.”
“What is it?” I ask.
“What you’ve been looking for in the Archives. A book on dragon’s names and their meanings in the old language.”  He responds, holding my gaze and not letting it go.
Garrick walks towards me in a rush and before I know it I am wrapped up in his arms and he is kissing me forcefully. It’s over before I can even get my bearings, and my hands shake as I realize that it feels like a proper goodbye.

     I wait for Garrick to close the door behind himself before I run to my small desk to pick up the large book he left. I flip through it and find Craobh’s name. Beside it the words tree and oak, just as Garrick told me. I run my finger over the words and take in the beautiful calligraphy and delicate pages of the old book  Before I lose my nerve, I finger the pages until I find the name I am looking for, Chradh. I nearly drop the book on the table when I see the word alongside it.
PAIN