Maidens & Killers

Survivor

       There’s something to be said for new beginnings, and if there was anything that I needed it was a fresh start. Violet and I gather up Soren’s letters and head outside to the burn area, where we burn all of the fallen rider’s things. It’s early in the morning still, so Violet and I sneak through the courtyard. We aren’t exactly authorized to be here.  There is a low fire constantly burning, that will be fed if a burn needs to happen, but it’s enough for what I need it for. I pull the small stack of letters from my rucksack, and hold them in my hand for a few moments. I try to breathe in deeply, and give myself a sense of release. Violet nudges me lightly with her forearm, warning me to be quick about it. I release the breath that I am holding and toss the letters into the burn pile. I watch them burn for a few minutes, before turning to Violet. “Okay, I’m good now.”
Together we head into the dining hall, and immediately feel two pairs of eyes find us as we walk into the room. I look towards the dais where the leadership table sits, and catch Garrick’s eyes. He and Xaden had stopped mid conversation when Violet and I entered, and now were blatantly staring. Who would have thought all it would take was two first years to distract those two. I throw Garrick a smile and head to my wing’s table, making sure to sit a few seats away from Ridoc. I want to talk to him about the arm around the shoulder thing, but definitely not with an audience. I am still trying to convince myself that he meant it in a friendly way and not a flirty way. I already know where Garrick stands on his intentions.

        I end up seated beside Sawyer and Rhiannon, who are quietly enjoying their breakfast. There’s something in the air though, like a secret between them, but I ignore it.
“Ready for our first formation as rider’s?” I ask, breaking the silence.
I let myself fall into comfortable conversation with the other two riders to pass the morning, all while trying to keep myself from replaying too many scenes from last night in my head. It’s difficult though, to not think about Garrick’s calloused fingers caressing my body lightly and making it sing, especially when I can feel his gaze lingering on my back. Part of me wishes that I had sat on the other side of the table, so that I could face him, but I know myself and I wouldn’t have been able to pay attention to anything else.

      Before long we all make our way to the courtyard through the now crowded hallway, preparing for our first official formation with the rest of the wing. As I walk down the hall with the rest of the first years, I feel a hand gently grab mine and tug. I allow the tug to take me to a small alcove that has a bench in it and is partially hidden from the rest of the hallway.
“You didn’t eat this morning?” Garrick asks me immediately, probably having noted that I was late to arrive for breakfast and never grabbed a tray.
“I wasn’t hungry. Too excited, I think. I hope that I get to do some riding today, the few minutes from the forest to the flight field yesterday was not enough.”
Garrick nods, “I knew you’d be a natural at it.”
“It’s the best feeling in the world. I could spend the whole day on Chraobh’s back and never tire of it. How do you think about anything else?”
Garrick smiles mischievously down at me, “If you can’t think of anything besides riding Chraobh, then I didn’t do my job nearly well enough last night.”
I try to keep my blush to a minimum. He did a damn good job last night, and his body is the ONLY thing keeping my thoughts on the ground.  “Well, maybe you need to come to my room tonight and remind me,” I say saucily.
Garrick looks thoughtful now, “Unfortunately that’s what I was coming to tell you, Xaden and I are going to be busy the next couple of nights. I’ve kind of been slacking on something I need to be doing, not that I mind the distraction at all.  I may be scarce around here for the next week, and I didn’t want you to think it was because of last night.”

       I remember my revealing words from last night and know why Garrick wanted to make the effort to tell me this himself.
“I understand. The last thing I want is to be a distraction to you. I can’t even imagine the stuff on your plate as a third year rider.”
Garrick bites his lip, “It’s harmless supply run stuff. No real danger, but I wanted you to know from my own mouth that I wasn’t running from this. From us.”
Hope grows in my chest, “There’s an us?”
Garrick kisses me quickly, “Yes. I’m not ready to define it , and it terrifies me that other people will know how important you are to me, but yes there is an us. But, Maeve….”
I sigh, cutting him off, “Can’t you stop there. Why does there have to be a but?”
“Because my life has but’s!” Garrick answers with a touch of frustration in his voice. He wipes his face with a big hand, as though trying to clear his head. “I won’t let you be used as a weapon against me. I won’t let you get hurt because of me. I won’t let you become my mother. If things get too bad, I will just walk away first.”

        I watch Garrick for a moment, I take in his defensive body language he’s currently using and know that this isn’t what he wants.
“Just like that, you’d just….. Walk away.” I ask softly.
“Not because I wanted to. Gods, I have had to get through some awful shit in my life, but I think that walking away from you just might kill me. But if you get to live, if you get to thrive, then it would be worth it.”
I can’t pretend to fully know what Garrick is talking about, because I still don’t know what danger is out there for him and Xaden, but I trust him enough to know he’s not exaggerating it.
“I trust you Garrick and I’ll follow your lead. I meant what I said last night, I want whatever piece of you I can get. I won’t ask questions that you can’t answer for now.”
Garrick pulls me into his arms for far to brief of a moment and places a chaste kiss on the top of my head, “Come on, we need to get to formation. Xaden’s gonna kill us.”

       We slide into formation after most everyone else is already lined up, but a few moments before the professors. I find myself in a line by myself  as I look around. The rest of my squad is gone, slowly one by one they have all died. It hits me like a punch to the gut and I nearly feel my knees give. I had been too distracted lately to notice, hell the only reason I noticed that we lost Kayte is because she quit coming back to our room. While I had never truly bonded inside the small squad, I had found my connections in the larger wing, I should have still noticed their deaths right? I rack my brain and try to remember who was left yesterday at Threshing and only three faces come to mind.  The death roll is called to start formation and I force myself to feel something when I hear their familiar names called. I am not that numb yet. I still care.  I tell myself quietly.

“OF COURSE YOU CARE RED ONE. BUT YOU ARE A SURVIVOR, AND YOU KNOW THAT THERE WAS NOTHING THAT COULD BE DONE. YOU ARE BETTER OFF THAN THOSE WHO WEEP FOR THE FALLEN.”

      Chraobh’s voice brings me comfort as I stand there, in line by myself, next to the other lines of closely knit squads. I wonder what is going to happen now, Garrick mentioned that there would be some movements.  No sooner do I wonder that than an announcement is made.
“We will be condensing the squads, possibly for the last time. Some of  our squads are much smaller, and you will take these rider’s in as though they have been a part of your squad since day one and welcome them.”
Myself, Liam Miari and one other female rider are sent to the second squad, flame section, fourth wing. Violet’s and Rhiannon’s squad.
I walk over to join my new line,  and am thrilled to still be under Garrick’s section but also nerves bubble up. This squad is close. The first years are probably the tightest squad we have, and Immogen is a part of this squad as a second year. She glares at me as I take my place at the back of the line. I glare back. Now that I know that she wants Garrick, I am ready for whatever it is she wants to bring my way.