Maidens & Killers

Life In A Haze

     By the time I make it back to my room I am wet, exhausted and pissed off. That entire exercise was a shit show from beginning to end; the end being us completely failing at it and essentially needing rescue. I make a note to myself to make map reading a priority this year. I will never feel that helpless again if I can help it. When I arrive in my room, the first thing I do is head to my small writer’s desk and take in the stack of sealed envelopes atop it. Garrick. Despite my exhaustion and my current mood, my heart jumps into my throat at the sight of them. I whip open my desk drawer, and see that my letters to Garrick are still there. I know I’ve missed Xaden and I’m devastated.

     The thought of Garrick not having letters this week from me breaks my heart, but I am sure Xaden will explain that he didn’t see Violet and I, due to the exercise. Or at least I hope he will.  I hope Garrick doesn’t guess that I’ve spent my weekend in the woods with my dumb ass ex boyfriend trying to survive. I clutch Garrick’s letters to my chest and take my sleep deprived self to my overstuffed chair in the corner. If I go to my bed, I will fall into a dead sleep immediately and I want to fall asleep with Garrick’s words in my head.

Killer,
Gods I miss you. I miss your beautiful face and your quiet strength. I miss how with you at my back I am stronger. I need your strength right now. Send it to me with your love will you?

       I can’t read anymore tonight, and I try to stop the sobs from racking my body. I crawl into my bed and find myself in the fetal position. I don’t bother with the covers, as my body violently shakes while I wait for sleep to take my exhausted body. I know that I will find the comfort of Garrick’s arms there and a desperate part of me wishes I wouldn’t wake up to my cold cruel reality in the morning.

      I live for Saturdays. Even though I don’t get the privilege of seeing Garrick like Violet gets to see Xaden, the letters make my entire week more bearable. Garrick’s words of love and the humor that he somehow manages to convey even through pages make me hold on when I feel like I want to give up. I have so little left here now. When Violet isn’t with Xaden every weekend, she is spending her days in the Archives. She is obviously looking for something, but hasn’t told me what it is yet. Rhiannon falls into the many different tasks of being a squad leader and is barely around. Sawyer and Ridoc make pleasant enough company, but it’s not enough to distract me from everything else falling apart around me. I miss Garrick. Are we going to go to war with the venin? Not knowing anything is putting my anxiety on high alert. All of my life all I have ever wanted was to be a dragon rider and prove to my  family that I can do it. Sometime in the last year, I have lost the need to prove anything to anyone. The only person who meant anything was Garrick and I am one hundred percent sure I have nothing left to prove to him.  Now I ride because it is what I was born to do, and I will protect those that I love from all who wish them harm to my dying breath. Even if those who would do them harm are my own people.

      I wander Basgaith’s halls like a ghost most days, and weeks go by. Riding Craobh keeps me alive and keeps the fire burning inside me and ready to fight. I’m still the best rider in my year, and I am learning daily how to use my signet with more precision. I can now rebuild lines of trees as well as mow them down. I give little credit to Professor Carr though, mostly I have gotten better through practice and working with other second years. Ridoc and I have spent a tremendous amount of time in the courtyard and flight field using our signets and giving each other suggestions until we are literally so exhausted and burnt out that I am able to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow at night.

        Riders Survival continues to be a shit show, and that’s no different as I walk into the class this cool fall morning. Major Varrish is standing at the front of the classroom with a smug look on his face, one that is there more often than not.  If the stories that I have heard about this man are true, I’d like to slap that smug smile right off his face. There are two other professors at the front of the classroom and a tray of drink cups in front of them. Slowly, as the cadets enter the room and notice the small cups, a tension builds in this room. We all know what is coming. Torture, and how well we hold up under it. Every one of us in this room knew that we were leading up to this moment.  Violet and I make eye contact and hold it, she and I hold secrets that cannot come out today. We don’t break eye contact even as a line begins to form in front of the cups at the front of the room. More professors enter the room and  begin to assist drugged students after they have taken their drinks. We’re moving in squads, like we do in everything. I nod my head to Violet before turning away. Whatever happens today, I know in my heart that neither Violet or I will break