Maidens & Killers

Well This Is Awkward

     I prepare for myself for a firing brigade when Craobh and I land back on the flight field of Basgaith college, but one isn't waiting for me.  The sun is just rising as I nod to Craobh and he flies off, back to wherever he goes when we are not together, and I make a note to ask him about his home more later. No officers or professors are waiting to admonish me and there are only a few riders milling around at this hour. I find a second year rider that I recognize, “ Morning. What’s going on?” I ask.
“Morning. We are preparing the field for formation, we are reading the names of the dead this morning from the War Games excursion.” The rider replied.
My chest tightens dramatically and I walk in the direction of my room. I haven’t slept much since Garrick left, and I won’t have the opportunity to now. However, I may have lucked out and been forgotten in the hustle and bustle of the last 24 hours that I have been missing. Noone even noticed that I was gone and that is the way that I plan to keep it.

    The quiet sanctity of my room envelopes me as soon as I enter. Garrick is everywhere here, though. In the satin sleep gown that is thrown over the chair in the corner, in the handwritten note from the other morning still on the bedside table, and I am sure in the smell of my pillows, Garrick is everywhere in this room. It’s a good thing that I am all cried out. I quickly take a bath and dress into a clean flight uniform for formation and head down to breakfast.

    As soon as I enter the dining hall, my peace and quiet is broken.
“MAEVE!?” Rhiannon screams across the hall.
“Hey. I’m okay.” I say as I feel myself nearly being knocked over by the hug that I am wrapped up in by Ridoc.
“We were so worried about you!” Ridoc says as he squeezes me.
“I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you. I just needed a moment ya know?” I reply to him as I struggle to get out of his grasp.
Rhiannon smiles from her seat at the table when I finally make my way to my usual seat. It’s strange to think of anything here as usual, now with Garrick gone. I turn slightly to the dais where the leadership tables are and my breath catches at the number of empty seats. I knew it would be this way, but seeing it still takes my breath away.

    I turn back to Rhiannon, “ Violet.” Is the only thing that I can whisper.
Rhiannon’s eyes fill with tears and she slowly nods.
“Gods. This is awful.” Sawyer says from where he is sitting beside Rhiannon. I watch as he puts a tentative arm around her. Rhiannon leans into his shoulder and turns her head away from me, as though to hide any tears that fall.
“Here.” Ridoc says placing two hard rolls and a chunk of cheese in front of me. “Garrick will haunt me if I don’t make sure that you eat.”
I can’t help the chuckle that bubbles up in my chest. It feels good to release it and it becomes contagious. Leave it to Ridoc to get everyone around the table smiling slightly.
“Yea, he will. He was so weird about making sure I stayed alive.” I say and everyone chuckles again. It feels good not to be sad about Garrick, and I take a deep calming breath. I have incredible memories that have altered my brain chemistry completely from my time with him.

    I somehow manage to stomach most of the food that Ridoc has placed in front of me, and I feel slightly better for it. I still feel like I could sleep for a week, and plan to if I survive this God's awful formation. Suddenly my mind goes to Garrick’s room. They will be burning his things tonight. I need to go to his room and find something to remember him, something to cling to in the middle of the night. I know that the whole point of burning a person's items is to release them to Maleck and that we aren’t supposed to think of them anymore but that isn’t possible in this situation. They could burn this whole world down and I will still think of Garrick every day for the rest of my life.

    I line up in formation with the rest of the Fourth Wing. I try to fight the urge to reach out and grab Rhiannon’s hand but notice that she is adamantly not making eye contact with. Now that I think about it, had she disappeared after breakfast? Where had she gone? I focus on  putting my years of meditation practice into full use here. Deep calming breath in and out, feel the ground beneath your feet, push down into it, relax your tight limbs with each exhale, I talk myself through all of the motions I know like the back of my hand.

YOU’RE DOING WELL RIDER. DON’ T LET THEM SEE YOUR PAIN.

      Craobh’s words echo through my head as Captain Fitzgibbon begins to read the names of those gone to Maleck in the last 24-48 hours. 
“Garrick Tavis… Xaden Riorson…”
From somewhere behind me a familiar voice rings out across the field, “Well this is awkward.”