Jae's world ☆

Jae's eating disorder

And there are those days when Jae wants to disappear. He feels uncomfortable and cramped in his body. He imagines several ways to die, all while making great jokes. Sometimes Jae doesn't feel good at all. He wants to bury his head against the walls, he wants his head to stop. Sometimes he hates himself so much that he disgusts himself. Jae no longer has to force himself to vomit, it comes on its own now. And Jae felt proud of every gram lost. He had lost weight, but his problems were no less heavy and he started to feel depressed.

Jae was 12, he really wanted to be handsome. What could possibly happen to him ? It started stupidly. Jae hadn't woken up from his night and had missed the 3 meals of the day. He was hungry, but he made himself vomit. He did it once a day and then for all meals. He felt happy, he stepped on the scale every day which told him that he was skinnier than last week. He was just getting prettier, nothing bad. Then Jae continued longer than he should have, it's been two years now. He wanted to stop, he was no longer very happy.

But as soon as he ate, he had to vomit. His mouth could no longer swallow without vomiting. He stuck two fingers down his throat, cried in spite of himself and then vomited. At every meal, even if he hadn't eaten. It was a mandatory routine, Jae felt terrible. He wanted to be loved. The more he lost weight, the fatter he felt. He cried every day, why couldn't he be like the others ? Perfect body, lots of friends, loving parents, injury-free body. Then Jae detached himself from himself to no longer live as a victim of his fat body. He no longer ate, he was afraid to eat. Every meal had end up with crying fits and horrible fears. Every gram counted. He was having morbid nightmares, he was starting to feel weak. Jae was no longer losing much weight and he felt guilty. He went from 73 kg to 51 kg, but he didn't think he was handsome enough. Little voices in his head told him he was ugly. He punished himself for not losing enough weight.

Jae didn't get help, even though he asked his parents several times. He cut his hair, put on his baggy clothes and let himself fall. He needed to be reassured. His girlfriend scolded him when he didn't eat, saying he wanted attention. He just wanted to talk to someone for an hour about what was hurting him. He wanted someone to listen to him. But he was too tired to move, to speak, to smile. He isolated himself in his room painting sad shadows on his easel. He was waiting for someone to come help him, he can't help himself.

Jae decided he had hurt himself enough. So every day. He ate a slice of cake that he wouldn't throw up. It was hard. Jae cried often, he choked back sobs. He kept himself from going to the bathroom, he felt terribly alone. He started to gain some weight again. Jae felt bad but it was the best thing to do. Whether he's fat or skinny, Jae won't have any friends. Jae never had any real friends. When he realized this, lying in the bed in his room, Jae let himself down too. He had lost his joy, his dinosaurs were gathering dust.

Jae still can't help himself alone.