Jae's world ☆

it burned !! ★

Jae made big decisions and he's proud of himself, Jae is not good at making decisions. Finn is no longer Jae's lover but it's not big deal ! Finn never loved Jae the way he loved him so Jae cried a lot. He felt stupid because he was the only one who believed in their relationship. Finn knew it wouldn't work, and Jae is disgusted. But Jae isn't angry or sad anymore, they're friends now ! But Finn was taking up too much space in Jae's mind, taking his hand and kissing his cheeks, and Jae hates that now.

His vision of Finn was completely destroyed because they are no longer in love with each other. So Jae burned his house and laughed a lot, he put all his romantic feelings in the cabin and burned it all down. Jae is happy, Finn is just his friend and they won't have any more problems ! Jae ruined everything with his romantic feelings. But Finn unconsciously made him believe that he was still in love. He was holding Jae's hand, he was kissing his cheeks, and Jae felt very troubled.

Jae wanted Finn to be his lover, but he has no right to force Finn, it's very bad ! So Jae agreed to be friends with Finn, but it's a little difficult sometimes. Jae sometimes feels very bad, tired, disgusted, angry next to Finn. He sometimes wants to hit him or run away crying. But Jae doesn't have the right, so he breathes, he tells himself that everything is fine and life goes on ! Jae feels uncomfortable sharing his world with Finn, Jae feels like he doesn't quite understand how important things are to him.

Jae hurts Finn because he needs a lot of comfort and reassurance. But since Jae has burned his needs for Finn, it will be easier ! Sometimes Jae listens to Finn's music and cries, because he feels Finn, like now. Jae made Finn sad, but he couldn't imagine Finn being his boyfriend. It hurt him a lot, Jae wanted it to be real. Finn had said incredible things to Jae, and he believed him. He said he'd kiss all of Jae's ugly scars, or they'd take night walks ! They would never do that, and Jae felt torn at the thought of being alone AGAIN. Her ex told him there won't be anyone better than her, so Jae tries to catch her back. And Jae didn't want to let Finn go, he could finally move on.. So Jae hurts Finn without knowing.

Jae just wanted to share important things with Finn. He wanted him to be like his best friend, but with a little more privacy. Then Jae ended up feeling very uncomfortable around Finn because he didn't quite understand. Finn was too important to Jae while Jae wasn't very important to Finn. Finn takes care of Jae, but Jae feels like Finn does it out of duty, not out of want. Jae feels like Finn stays for him to not be sad. Finn doesn't remember the important times they spent together ! So Jae thought he was stupid for giving Finn so much importance. « Finn is just my friend ! » Jae often repeats these phrases to himself so as not to lock himself in a reality that does not exist. Jae wants to stop living sometimes when he's around Finn. Jae feels like being himself seems impossible. He knows Finn isn't going to judge him, but he feels like being himself will exhaust Finn.

Jae had made a red box with "Finn and Jae" on it. In this box there are poems, drawings, bracelets, things that remind him of Finn. He hates this box now. He wanted to give it to Finn, he wanted him to read these poems. But Finn is no longer his lover. Jae wants to break this box, but he doesn't have the courage yet. He made it with love and kindness, he is very disappointed. Jae is ashamed of his behavior. Finn acts like a mature person while Jae is very immature. Finn is sweet, intelligent, curious, caring and Jae is awkward, loud, needy, and immature. Jae wants to go back to the time when he doesn't remember anything. Jae wishes he had never been harassed, abused, traumatized. Jae would like a dad to play with him, a mother to listen to him. Jae feels deeply empty sometimes. He fulfills his needs with his stuffed animals or imaginary conversations. Sometimes when he talks to Francis, he stops and starts crying. He feels alone. And knowing that Finn was near him reassured Jae. Having his scent in his comfort corner reassured Jae. But now he feels empty. Jae thinks about a lot of things while looking at the ceiling, and sometimes he thinks about Finn's hands on him and his lips on his cheeks. So Jae starts to freak out because these thoughts won't leave his head. He buries his head in his pillow and tries to think of something else. The afternoon after they cuddled, where Finn had placed his hands, Jae felt burned. He remembers his smell, and Jae thinks that these sweet and necessary moments will never happen again because they're just friends.

Finn was very sweet and very pleasant to cuddle. He spoke softly and he caressed Jae's face. Jae felt the touch with depth and slowness, he had liked this slowness. Finn was so good to touch, he felt peaceful and at ease with him. Jae felt good, too good. Sometimes he thinks about the sensations, but they fade away. He would like to be friends with Finn every day of the week, except Friday lunchtime when they would do this hug again. He misses it, but he can't do anything. Jae can't ask Finn to hug him like that, it's inappropriate. Jae doesn't know if this hug was loving or friendly. Jae thinks friends can touch each other like that. He remembers when he slept with Yana that she pressed herself against him and kissed his neck. Jae wasn't in love with his best friend, so he enjoyed it a lot.

Jae feels silly sometimes, because he's jealous. Jae doesn't know how to explain why he's jealous. He has no right to be jealous, so he just erases the feeling.