ELIZA

16

In the days that followed, Alina was a mess. She cried every morning for Eliza. She tried FaceTime and messaging. Blocked.

She talked to Justine about how much pain she was in. Justine was understanding and sent her letters everyday to console her. Eventually, Alina started sending letters back.

Alina was both angry with and loving towards Justine, knowing she was the one who won. Justine was a familiar flame, and Alina knew what to expect from her. Yet, she couldn't forget about Eliza. She did not get to know her well enough, and she messed up her chance.

Alina found ways to pass the time. There was Tom, a short, finely built Mexican guy from her analyst class with whom she had rough sex with and Antoni, a guy from Poland also from her program, who took her on dates and provided her with intellectual stimulation but who she never slept with. Alina did not care for them the way she did Eliza or Justine. She felt men were one in the same - disposable. She was harsh in her loneliness. She hated the way Tom would thrash her around, switching position to position, and pull at her boy cut hair, as if she were a regular girl. She thought Antoni cocky and a know-it-all, quick to dismiss her opinions. Yet, she found it fascinating that men were still attracted to her. 

She and Justine told each other about their encounters. Justine had found a male lover as well, Landon, a hipster man with a ponytail with a penchant for camping. Alina could not bring herself to commit to Justine.

Months passed by, and Eliza was back in the States. It was nearing September, and Eliza was bound for Smith. Alina rang Eliza's phone, nervous that she would not pick up.

"Hello?" Eliza said warmly.

"Oh, hi!" Alina said, surprised.

"How are you? How is work? I was wondering when you had started." Eliza said sweetly.

"It's going ok." I've been hooking up with a dude and talking to my ex, all is well. She thought.

Eliza, ever honest, said, "I love you."

Alina, heart twisting and happy, replied, "You do? You still do?"

She could hear Eliza crying, "I've missed you."

"Me too. Can I come see you at Smith?" Alina asked eagerly.

"Yes," she sighed. "I'll buy you sushi, and we can catch up." She replied.

They planned for the following weekend. Alina stopped answering Tom and Antoni. She did not tell Justine what she was up to. Alina boarded the bus to Northampton, feeling elated that Eliza still loved her.

As Alina walked up Chapin Way, her phone buzzed. It was Messenger. A note from Layla, one of Eliza's friends. Eliza said she can't see you this weekend. I have your stuff, though.

Alina was crushed. She did not even bother getting her things. Alina did not even question it. She took the blow as what she deserved for her time with Justine. She felt numb and passed the time by catching up with some friends who were in the years below her, but she could not remember anything they said. When Alina got back to the apartment, she was so broken, tears and shaking.

Rachel could hear Alina from the other room, "Justine..."