ELIZA

30

Bipolar 1, the doctor's notes said. Mania followed by -

Depression, Alina thought as she got back home. Her family had moved her things from Boston and made the executive decision that she would stay under their careful watch.

Alina's friends did not want to be associated with her anymore. Justine made it clear when she left that Alina was on her own, and Kayla had decided to protect herself from the terror of Alina's mental illness. Alina texted Eliza:

Hi. I'm back home. Can we talk?

Eliza responded:

Hi. I'm sorry, but I can't be the one you talk to about your mental health. Wishing you the best.

Alina was numb. She stayed on the couch every day for eight months, sleeping for most of the day. The only time she left the house was to see her psychiatrist and therapist. She was taking eight pills a day, under high alert from the hospital since it was her second time in a year that she went to the psych ward. The doctor noticed everything about her - weight, appearance, and manner of speaking. She asked her to remember three words.

"Dog, house, spring." Alina said without feeling.

"I'll see you next month." her doctor said.

Alina left. It was January 29. Alina had turned 28 a few days ago, but she had felt like she had lived several lifetimes. She lost a wife, two lovers, and most of her friends. She had failed to control her manic symptoms by taking drugs. She had her independence forced from her.

"You always follow your pleasures. You don't think of the consequences. At least you're safe here." Her mother scolded.

Alina, tired of the monotony, reached for her phone and downloaded Tinder. She updated her profile with her best pictures. One of her with a top hat and a trench coat. A picture of her in a tank top, showing off her muscles. She did not look anything like the happy, confident photos that she tried to portray herself as in her profile. She had lost most of her muscles and shaved her hair off completely. She had eyebags from sleeping all day and a glassy stare that would never adjust after the hospitalization.

Swipe left. Swipe left. Swipe right. Swipe right. Swipe right. Alina waited for a match. Nothing. She dozed off into a depressive sleep.