Guardian angel ( A.I )

Hold on to the little things of the divine zero

I flutter my eyes open. I wake up in ashtons bed. Okay good it was just a dream. I walk into the bathroom and look in the mirror I wet my face and when I wipe the water from my face I see my arms are wrapped up in a bandage. So are my legs and my stomach. It wasn't a dream, he knows about my dark side, he knows the monster I am. No this isn't the way it's suppose to go. I'm suppose to be in the hospital dead. I open the medicine cabinet, nothing. I open the cabinet under the sink, nothing again. I go down stairs and open the drawers, no forks no spoons no plates no knifes nothing. He completely emptied the house of anything I could use to hurt myself. he even removed simple things like rubber bands. he walks in through the back door and sits me on the couch. he stand in front of me while I look up at him.
" Baby I'm sorry." he whispers.
Before I could say anything he lifted up both of his sleeves and simply said, " I draw too."
I can feel my eyes start to water. it was because of me, I did this to him, it was all my fault. my own arms begin to itch. I can't do this, I need my stress reliever, my blade, a bottle, a bridge to jump off of anything. I want to just run out of the door and run until I can't run anymore but I can't. I have to be here for him I need to help him. I simply take his hands in mine and stand in front of him. we just stand and stare into each others eyes, each other's red puffy tearing eyes. .
~
" you should just fucking kill your self. you worthless fucked up little girl. I'm ashamed to call you my girlfriend. Go ahead go cut yourself again. you can't do anything about it now. you already cut once why not cut again and actually cut a vein this time? Or maybe over dose and make a more promising suicide? You disgust me."
~
I used to imagine him saying these words to me. I always thought that if he found out this would be what he would say but instead he took care of me. he brought me to the hospital, bandaged me up, and even took me home. i mean to his house. he cares about me and i was always against him, thinking that he would just be like all the rest. i felt horrible. i can feel the tears roll down my face. i cant look at him. not in a disgust type of way but more in a guilt and sadness type of way. i look down at him arms once more and look back up at him. i open my mouth so say something but nothing comes out. i changed my mind and say something else.
"baby im sorry." i cup my hands around hiss face and pull him in and kissed him. not a make out kiss but not a quick kiss either. More like we stood there lips connected pressed against eachother without moving a muscle. ( for the two people that would understand. we basiclly pulled a maria lmfao XD ) i could still feel the fire works even though there was nothing lively about this situation. i could feel his tears and im pretty sure he could feel mine we pulled apart, I wiped a tear off of his face and left without another word. I didn't know where to go. I checked my phone it's was 2:00 in the morning. no one was up except for Ashton me and the demons in my head. I'm outside in shorts a tank and no shoes. it is freezing outside. I'm still wearing the bandages so it's not as cold. I want to rip them off, I want to rip them off scream as loud as I can and punch the street until my knuckles bleed. I need to punch something. I need somewhere to go. Then I think of the only place I can go. the place I once called home.
*
I walked to the house and walked through the front door. The memories in this house still haunt me. I see him sitting on the couch with a bottle. usually I would be upset but I honestly don't care anymore. he's asleep so I just go up to my old room. It's exactly the way I left it. you could tell no ones been in here ever since I left. My bed was still a mess, old clothes were still on the floor and there was a think layer of dust on almost everything. I pick up a picture frame off of my desk and wipe off the dust. it was me and my father when I first went fishing.
" Oh where did that smile go?" I asked myself. The tears collect in my eyes but I don't let them fall. I throw the picture and listen to the glass break. I went into the bathroom in my room. That was cleaned out. no blades nothing. It looks like a brand new bathroom. I close the door and sit on the bed. I take out my headphones so I wouldn't wake him. I plug it into my phone and pick a favorite song. Before I press play I look over to the broken glass. I go a mess around with it and find a piece sharp enough to easily cut deep through skin. I go to the bathroom and wash all the dirt and stuff off of it. I get to the bed blast it and press play.
" sick and tired of waking up too
Burning eyes and cigarettes
I'm falling through the couch like a suicide mission tonight."
I mouth along and cut simultaneously. there was an easy five there.
"I'm not meant for this world, I just don't see the point
So I don't think about it, don't over think about it.
And life is a joke."
These cuts were a bit deeper and a bit more then before. I'm at 12 in total but I'm not satisfied yet.
"Been counting the stars and the scars
How I'm becoming a work of art
In desperate times and desperate measures
I come so close, my hopes are severed by the down side."
There. An easy 20 slashes. I get up and clean myself up in the bathroom while the song is still playing. when I comeback to my bed I think I'm done but just the sight of the shard of glass had my skin begging for more. I tried to ignore it but the next song didn't make it any better."
" Mom and dad, did you search for me?
I've been up here so long I'm going crazy."
Just one. Last one. I thought to myself but somehow I went from 20 to 27 cuts. But the song wasn't over. I knew the song was going to make it worse so I just turned it off. I cleaned myself up and wrapped my arm back in the bandages from the hospital. I go down stairs to see my pathetic excuse for a father. he's passed out on the couch so I just walked to the kitchen. I opened the fridge and to no surprise there was about 4 bottles of Smirnoff. just what I needed. I take one out and pop it open. after a few tips I can feel a little buzz. I stand in front of my father.
" You make me sick." I say in a voice of disgust.
" I make it worse by drinking late." I then say waving the bottle around. ( PTV fans will understand XD ) I take another sip from the bottle and walk back upstairs. I put the headphones back into my ears and skip to another song. thus song was different. I haven't heard it in a while but none the less I loved it.
" But bare this In mind it was meant to be. and I'm joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks and it all makes sense to me."
When the song started I was about to take another sip but I stopped in my tracks.
" I know you've never loved the crinkles by your eyes when you smile you never loved you stomach or your thighs the dimples on your back at the bottom of your spine but I'll love them endlessly."
I put the bottle down and cover it and then I click my phone in and attemp to change the song. my thumb hovers over the fast forward button but I don't press it. it's like one side of my brain is telling me to skip and the other is telling me not to. I don't skip it though. instead I put it on repeat and lay back on my bed.
* about 10 repeated songs later
" You'll never love yourself half as much as I love you. and you'll never treat your self right darling but I want you to. if I let you know I'm here for you then maybe you'll love your self like I love you oh."
I unplug my head phones. I change into some other clothes out some shoes on and head for the door. I open it an so I'm about to leave I turn around to look at my father. i close the door and walk over to him. I pick up the empty bottles from the floor and throw them away I take the half empty one out of his hand and walk over to the sink. I put it to my lips and take a sip.
" Alyssa dump it." my brain tells me. I dump what was left of both mine and his bottle and dump the ones in the fridge. I walked out of there without another word. don't think that makes us cool now. I didn't do it because I loved him, I did it because drinking yourself do death because your daughter hates you is a stupid reason to drink like that.
I start practically running to Ashton's house but stop right in front of it. it's almost 3:30 in the morning. he doesn't want to be bothered by me. I turn around and walk the other way. I walk to the park and just sit there.
" Lyss is that you?" I hear someone calling out to me.
I look around and finally notice that it's Calum and Luke.
" Oh hey guys what are you guys doing out here this early."
" We could ask you the same thing" they said in unison.
I just look down and twiddle my thumbs. calum sits next to me and puts his hand on my back.
" Did you and Ashton get into a fight?" He asks.
" You could say that." I cover my face and start to cry. he rubs my back I attempt to soothe me and it's actually working. him and Luke wrap me in a hug. The Penguin dork hears a bug fly by him and he totally flips out. ugh he's such a dork. me and Calum giggle a bit and the poor helpless penguin. he turns my head so I'm facing him.
" Look at me. don't be upset okay? If you guys got into a fight it's only because he cares about you or else he wouldn't." He kisses me on my forehead and I kiss him on the cheek and thank him. We turn to Luke how has a lad look on his face.
" Awe does the little baby want a kiss too?" I taunt him. ( 👀😅 👈🏼 to the person whom these emojis are for, you know who you are ) he nods his head yes with a puppy dog face and that cracks a smile,on my face. I get up wrap him an a tight hug until I hear him gasp for air. he taps his cheeks with his finger and I lean like I'm about to kiss his cheek. before my lips touched his cheek I stuck my tongue out and licked him instead. he flinched and jerked away.
" Aw cmon alyssa that was gross. "
" Sorry lover boy but if you want a kiss you're going to have to talk to Maria about that." we all laugh and I can see calum face turn a bit serious.