17th Floor, l.h

Chapter X

song: r.i.p 2 my youth, the neighborhood

I wake up the next morning and see blood on my pillow. My wrists hurt so the first thing I assume is that they must have opened in the night and now my sheets are bloody. The second thing hurting is my back, I haven't slept well for a long time and it's nerv-wrecking to see, how bad my condition is. I go to my dresser and pull new sheets out from somewhere below my clothes. The only thing I am hoping for is being able to clean them or I'd have to throw them away. Numbness has taken over me and I feel like there's no life left in me after yesterday. Why did I have to cut my skin open again, I ask myself. Is there anything special about hurting yourself. Technically, no, but mentally... I don't know how to handle my situation and I really don't want to bother Luke again. He already knows so much and he's got his own problems to cope with.

The next thing I remember doing this morning is cutting some fruit in the kitchen. After that, everything is blurry. I must have lost a lot of blood yesterday, I can't even remember how I got to bed yesterday night. I must hav-

"What are you doing here? Don't you dare to call me that", a voice is screaming in the hall way... Luke's voice. What is going on there? Maybe it's a friend, maybe someone else...

"Go away. I don't ever want to see you again. You ruined my life and-", he stops. Now, he's seeing me, as I step out of the door.

"What's going on here?", I ask, seeing a girl with red hair and a nice face.

"Nothing, I'm sorry. Did my screaming wake you up?", his face softens.

"No, I've been awake for quite a long time now", I say.

Thankfully, I chose to wear a sweater or Luke may have seen the scars on my wrists. The girl's face is emotionless. She looks as if she doesn't care at all.

"Now that you stopped screaming at me, Luke, you could be so kind and listen to me. I still love you and just because I did a mistake, doesn't mean, I stopped loving you. We are one team, remember?", she says. I try to stay calm. I try, to beware the face I am wearing. I try to stop my emotions shining through the mask, I am wearing. She's so pretty. She seems nice and god, what tension there is between them. Emotions right in front of me and I had no clue. Luke looks between me and whoever the girl is and he looks worried. Not at her, at me.

"We were, but not anymore, Michelle and now please leave", he says and I can see that he's trying to stay strong. He's trying to contain his emotions, for my sake. I expect her to scream at him but she's not, she just leaves. That's what a girl should be like, not like me. I am a wreck, I am not self-pitying myself, it's the cold, harsh truth. The only thing I regret is cutting myself. How could I be so stupid?

After Michelle leaves, Luke walks over to me.

"You look like you're going to faint. Are you alright?", he asks.

"Of course I'm alright Luke", I lie. Lying is, what I do best. I am such a good liar, that even my mother believed me most of the time. But not Luke. Of course, he wouldn't believe me, he reads me too well.

"You are not alright. I don't know what you've done but I could bet my life that you harmed yourself and right now, you're trying to remember a method to hide what you have done. Please show me what you've done. Hiding it won't make it better, believe me"

I slowly roll the sleeve of my sweater up an there they are. Many new cuts to count and that's what he's doing. "18 cuts", he counts, "matching mine", he says, rolling up the sleeve of his pullover. His cuts are not new but they are definitely not old, maybe one or two days old.

Two scarred people standing side by side would be a nice image to paint. Sadly, I am not talented when it comes to drawing but I can imagine what colours it would contain. Red and blue and black and white and we are standing hand in hand on a building, a very high building and we are looking at the ground and Luke is staring at me as if he had never seen something or more someone like me. There's a soft line of colours behind us but not too much and we are painted in black and white. It seems so real to me and I know, if I told Luke, he would see it too.

Life itself is so beautiful, the only way to ruin it, is ruining yourself. Luke pulls me into his flat and I follow him until we sit on his couch.

"What do you think would have become of your life if all the bad and wrong things wouldn't have happened?", I ask him, still seeing my colourful picture.

"I wouldn't cut and hate myself and after a few years of going to university, I would have met the nicest girl, who had been my neighbor for quite a long time and I would have asked her out and I don't know what would have happened after that but I know, it could have been beautiful, if only I had met her at a different place to a different time."

And then, I kiss him. Just a tiny kiss but it's enough for me. I pull back first but still feel his lips on mine.

"Woah, what was that for?", he asks.

I am shocked. What have I done? I can't take it back this time, I have to confront my problems, even though it didn't feel like a problem.

"I-I don't know. I just-", I am stopped by his lips on mine, for the second time today and I melt inside. One of his hands is behind my neck but he doesn't go further. Maybe he understands me, maybe he knows that I don't like it fast even though that's exactly what I did today.

He pulls back a minute later.

"To make it even more cliché as it already is: Please, let's extend this time. Not one week but one month", he says and I know, that this decision will change my life.

"Okay"

❄❄❄

No update in such a long time, I know. School has started again but I've been in such a good mood for such a long time and I want to make this story a little bit happier, not too much or it would ruin the plot, but a tiny bit :)

stay fab

-becky