Accepting You

Chapter Fifty Six

Yusuf apologised that same day. A sorry rattled out of him as he robotically drove.

On their first day back home, Yusuf hovered around Asiya like bees did around flowers. He had been doing that all day. Moving around her like the slightest shift in her atmosphere would create invisible ripples that would resonate through Asiya and cause her to break.

On their second day, they had a counselling session with sister Khaladi. The strings of patience Asiya had been whittling were snipped when Yusuf had started feeding sister Khaladi superficial summaries of their weekend.

Why aren't you talking about your aunt? The question had felt like acid resting on Asiya's tongue.

It took all of Asiya's strength not to leave the room. She spent the entire session squishing all her frustration into a stuffed animal. She strangled and crushed the neck of the toy giraffe while imagining it was that of her husbands.

On the third day, Yusuf asked for Asiya's attention by brushing his hand against hers while she was in front of her bathroom mirror, preparing to go out.

It was something he hadn't done since his verbal apology. His action was brave, but his touch was delicate. Asiya barely felt him do it, but the aftershocks of his touch murmured through her.

With a touch that felt like it belonged to a ghost, Yusuf steered Asiya so her attention was on him.

"I know...I know I don't always say the right thing or anything sometimes. I know how that makes you feel. I know how it made me feel when I was younger. I hate that I'm causing those feelings." The rising of Yusuf's chest stalled before he squeezed his eyes and continued. "It's weird. I want to tell you things. Asiya, it's like I have everything written down in my head. I have descriptions, poems, paragraphs, stories, letters and every single one is dedicated and addressed to you."

Asiya watched Yusuf lift his hand. He splayed his fingers apart before tucking them into a fist. His breath staggered while he repeated that action a few more times before he returned his hand to Asiya's waist and continued speaking.

"When I try to tell you, recite the poetry, give you what you deser–what I want to give you, it's like the words fly out of my mind, or they get jumbled up, or it's like they evaporate and it's silly because I don't think I'm traumatised. I know you would understand. I thin–know nothing will happen, but it's like–"

"It's okay, Yusuf," Asiya soothed.

She understood. Asiya was seeing it happen.

Yusuf was talking unnaturally fast, almost incoherently. She could tell his inner panic was stretching through him, kidnapping the words he wanted to say and leaving him fumbling with incomplete sentences and words resembling ones under a hangman.

Asiya knew who Yusuf was. She also knew he was trying to be better.

Seeing him like this, as though he had been repeatedly failing at pushing a thread through the hole of a needle. Flustered and uncertain, his eyes unfocused and hopping around like a helpless bird made Asiya feel bad but understand.

Asiya had been pushing him too hard. Why had she been trying to fold him out of shape and into a new one like he was origami?

"I'm so sorry for that day. I shouldn't have handled or spoken to you like that," Yusuf apologised.

"It's okay," Asiya repeated. Her eyebrows were lowered with concern, but she still gave him a small smile. "I promise I understand. You're trying, and things will improve with time and help."

Yusuf's mouth twisted, and he squeezed his eyes tightly as though he didn't deserve to or even want to see the kindness and empathy sketched on Asiya's face.