Bitter Steps to better life

Chapter 12: How Suffering helped me in Fighting Problems

Whenever someone heard my story, they would be shocked. At the end of my life story narration, they would always respond with the line "I would die if I were in your place". I wondered whether it was too hard to face a problem. Is it too bad to have problems?

I have a habit of revealing my secrets easily, which is not good for me. In my society, everyone provides sympathy for me. I wonder why it is necessary to sympathize again and again. Once I asked my brother, he replied "It's because we are facing all these problems at such a young age". I was satisfied with his answer, but not too much.

When I entered college, I got to hear the same line: "You suffered too much". Was it really too much? I was always lost in thinking of this answer. I began to realize that I had overlooked many opportunities.

As I was exposed to the outer world, I started searching for trendy relationships like others; a part of me was never interested in these things, but I wanted to try them as per others' views. I stepped onto social media and followed some pages. An uncertain talk to a stranger led to an addiction to talking to strangers. Everyone over there was searching for a relationship. Uploading pictures and status and being excited about likes and comments was a common goal for most people.

I chit-chatted with several online friends whose friendship would break within 2 days. I would blindly believe in anyone and everyone. I rejected several proposals that were not actually proposals; they were hungry souls for lust. I don't know how I was caught in the trap of a boy. His innocence melted my heart like butter. Later, after a month, I came to know that it was not love; it was just lust for him, which was craving my body. I still gave him a chance to behave properly, but there was no change. I was waiting for my exams to get over so that I could be separated from him. After exams were over, I had a great fight with him and left him behind. The reason I left him was that I was blindly falling for him. It was just 3 months that we were together; we never met nor spoke on call. It led to pain for a few days, but later I tried to forget him focusing fully on my career.

I couldn't use Facebook much because his memories would always buzz around me whenever I talked to strangers. I deactivated and activated the account several times, but I couldn't bear the pain. I deactivated the account last time and never even looked back at it. It was not a big deal to come out of it. Everyone who was my online friends always suggested that I not fall in love because it's very difficult to come out of it, and whenever I told them the story, they would taunt me with "You don't know the meaning of love." This line would always hit me hard. I would always like to see them happy and happy with what they have, but they never have. They never knew my part of the story, so how could they easily judge me?

We shouldn't stop because of the ups and downs in our lives. Why should we waste our lives because of others, even if we stop? Will mistakes and old things be replaced? Will they return?

I would speak to my heart "At least they have received it, which is much more than anything, but still, they are avoiding their parents, and instead of having true love at home, they are running behind the world carrying unrealistic dreams of love". This is what taught me how we don't value what we have. The advantage of the breakup was that I slowly started ignoring messages and wrong people and started scribbling some words which could give me relief.

I have heard many peers having difficulty when their parents are not at home. It was a big headache for them to cook and keep home clean for a few days, and it was a big hassle for them to live without their parents. I never felt overwhelmed because I was used to this already.

I started writing on YQ ( a writing app), which was suggested by Priyanka, where I poured my feelings into words. As a random post, I posted some thoughts based on teaching on August 10, 2019.

"If I were a teacher I would like to interact with students about interesting topics, and sometimes be like them. To enjoy teaching." 

A notification popped up about having a comment on a post. I clicked on it and checked. The comment captured my eyes, which I read again and again: "So that I'll be your student". I saw the name, which was Shivanshu. I replied to him with a laughing emoji, and in return, he told me that these days we don't get this kind of teacher who is interested in their teachings.

I told him about Susan ma'am, who was my favorite teacher. This is a little piece that I wrote for her:
The first time I saw her, I thought she would be a boring teacher. As the days passed, I found her classes interesting. She had some magic in her teaching, which grasped my attention and was passionate about literature. She is my role model for learning and encourages me to write poems too. 

After that comment, we didn't interact. I checked his profile and Instagram page, and I observed lots of mistakes in his caption. I was wondering whether to DM him or not. After checking it for several days, I told him about his mistakes in the caption. He thanked me and left. I was eager to talk to him. I randomly asked him questions, which he answered calmly. That night, I was a little irritated by someone's behavior. He asked me some questions, which irritated me more. I had warned him, informing him that I'd answer later due to my bad mood. He wasn't listening to me, so I fired him too harshly. He didn't message again. I realized it wasn't his mistake, so I apologized to him, and after several apologies, he forgave me.

From being distant friends, we turned into close friends. He was passionate about learning new things. He liked whatever knowledge I shared about psychology or life lessons. He had a fear of talking to a stranger. He revealed some common facts about girls' lives, by which he gained some knowledge about why girls act in a specific way. His confidence level was boosted by gaining knowledge. I had told him how hard it is to come out of pain, like others have told me, but still, love can never be avoided. He fell in love with someone and returned with broken trust and love. His relationship, too, was only for 3 months, but he was affected by it, and he could not easily overcome it. This made me realize how my past situations had made me strong.

I even saw people who don't eat if their favorite food is not prepared. Some don't have food, and some don't have mothers. Who is used to trendy clothes, luxury life, and hotels? I have experienced both a rich and a poor life, so I never hesitated to make adjustments. It's not about the rich and poor. Even in my own house, my bigger brother has always been stubborn with his food choices. He would do the same as others, but me and my other brother would eat anything.

Even in the village, everyone would think about how I and my brothers adjusted everything. They always say, "You stay in an unknown state and still adjust". Actually, it never felt like I was being in another strange state. I have been staying here since childhood, despite what could be unknown. I wouldn't be sad if I didn't get things like my favorite food, street food, clothing, and accessories. Once, my stepmom asked me "Don't you have any tension? What's happening around?". I just kept quiet; I was used to that, so it was a common thing for me. It's not that I don't get stressed; I do, but I don't allow it to affect my food routine. Many people don't eat food when they are sad, whereas I eat double food when I am sad or angry. It's a relief for my stress. Isn't it so funny?