Bitter Steps to better life

Chapter 17: Will it affect someone if I die?

Due to your pressurized forcefulness,
You left me behind in the hostel.
But it soon turned into boredom.
I know you were helpless.
But I suspect you were careless.
I forgave you after some time.
But I always remembered you.in the most difficult time.
Years later!When I returned Home
You began your roam,
In the meantime,You settled in your hometown.
Which hurt me deep down.
Now I am used to it,
But Our family has been shattered into pieces,
In which one part or most
Will always be missing. 
   - Jyoti.j 

When I was in the hostel, I would always crave my father's visit. Whenever I would wait for him, thinking he'd come early, that day he would come late to visit and go back home in 5–10 minutes. I would hate those moments. Everyone's parents would come happily to take them home, and at that time, my father wouldn't come. Once it was Ganesh Chaturthi holidays, everyone was rejoicing, packing their bags, and going home. Whereas I was the one who was still remaining back in the hostel. It was mid-afternoon when I was sleeping on the bed, peeking through the window in the hope that my father would come. Childhood is full of silliness; whenever my father didn't come, I gave my father's number to my friend to call him and tell him to pick me up. Every child in the hostel used to do it because we rarely got a chance to call our parents. That day too, I gave my number to someone to call. I was wondering where my father was. Why isn't he coming to pick me up? Anger was bursting inside me; I couldn't control my emotions. I took a look around and saw there were fewer peers who were sleeping. I slowly removed my idol of Radha Krishna, which was under my pillow and which I had brought from home. It had a flute made of iron steel, which was a little sharp. I didn't even have that much daring to kill myself, but I still wanted to hurt myself. I took it and tried to cut my hand, but it was unsuccessful. I got more furious this time; I had a rosary around my neck, which was made of steel string. I put it across my neck and tried to choke my neck with it. As I pulled it, my breathing went low, my heart was pounding faster and faster, and my nose was hurting. I felt as if I were drowning in water. The mouth and nose were lacking oxygen. I couldn't control myself, so I left it. The second time, I tried again, but I left it. I thought, in the final shot, I would not give up. I chocked myself with full strength, but this time the rosary broke and beads one by one fell down, leaving strings like people leave one by one. I had a little red mark that was swollen. I covered it with my kurta collar so that no one could peek at it and ask several questions. There were many peers who would all hand-cut without having any reason.
 
After some years, I returned home, thinking I would be with my father, but he left for a village and settled there. Whenever he went to the village, I would burst into tears for several hours. Once, when I called my father to ask when he was going to come from the village, he answered that it was not possible this month. By hearing those words, my heart became heavy and my eyes became wet. My friend saw me crying silently. She asked me what the matter was. I explained to her what the situation was, and I told her, "Sometimes I just think of dying, but if I die, my parents will cry in pain for a lifetime." She told me, "It's just a part of life; what do you think they'll cry for a lifetime? No ! They'll just cry for 2-3 days, and they'll forget us." She was right on one side, because we can't stay stuck in life. Everyone should move on, no matter what losses we have in life.

Whenever I was sad or angry with someone, I would always attempt to kill myself, but I would never be successful in doing so. My face would turn red and pale due to a lack of oxygen, and I wouldn't bear that pain, so I would leave it just like that. I told my middle brother that I never succeeded in killing myself. He would laugh for a longer time, saying that even death doesn't want you. I would chuckle with him, saying, "Yeah, even if I jump from a heightened building, I will never die." From that day on, I would never try to attempt it.

As I got a special friend, I started thinking about him. Whenever a thought arrived in my mind of killing myself at that time, I would wonder who'd be with him. He needs someone to guide and support him. He became my only reason for survival. As a year passed by, just for a moment, I considered that I was dead and saw how the world looked without me. I realized I had played a very important role in this. If I weren't there, who would take care of my family? Who would hear talks of my father to release his stress? Who would cook for my brothers, and who would take responsibility for maintaining the home? Sometimes my middle brother said to me, "If you were not there, I alone couldn't handle so many problems and burdens at a time." Not only me, but each and every member of my family plays an important role in life. I was happy, at least for me. Someone is happy; someone has a companion. From that day on, the thought of killing my soul never arrived. From living a life for my special friend to family,now I am living it for myself. It's better to be someone's coffee, which will strengthen you, than to be in a coffin.