When You're High on Life

Becoming a Bounty Hunter

Derek looked around his yard in awe. Not only was his entire house and yard in a completely different location, but said location was a gigantic alien city bustling with activity surrounding it. Futuristic vehicles flew overhead as fast as cheetahs…. If cheetahs could fly. Skyscrapers taller than any he'd ever seen stretched high into the sky. Aliens walking around everywhere, with many peculiar characteristics. From two heads, three heads, some had multiple eyes, some had multiple limbs, green skin, purple skin, pink skin, blue skin, the works. It was amazing to behold for himself.
Derek noticed several places of business surrounding the area. Such as; some sort of arcade called Blips and Chips. A movie theater labeled NOVA Theater. Some sort of small food stand where a red alien in the garb of a chef served his customers. TV's monitors hanging from walls talking about someone called, "Clugg Nuggman." Alien woman leaning at street corners in skimpy clothing. Alien hookers, it seems.
And countless other buildings as far as they could see. But Derek double took when he saw a place labeled, "Space Burger King."
It was literally just a Burger King with a sci-fi motif.
Derek asked, "uh, Kenny? How the fuck is there a Burger King? That's an Earth restaurant!"
Kenny said, "oh! Well, sometimes planets can pick up signals from other ones. I guess some of your Planet's ads, movies and shows got picked up by other planets. I guess that's how not only are there places like Space Applebee's, Space Dairy Queen, Space KFC and Space Burger King, but also how the G3 might've discovered your planet."
Derek said, "okay, that…. Actually makes sense, even if it's super surreal to see first hand."
Kenny said, "yeah, so, anyway…. This is Blim City. N-not bad, huh? I don't know how we're gonna find Gene, though."
Derek muttered, "hmm…."
Derek kept taking in his surroundings as Kenny talked. He had only ever seen something like this in science fiction. As he tried to get his bearings, that's when Derek spotted a billboard depicting an alien with a large purple head with three eyes on stalks dressed in a high tech suit. The name on it; Gene Zaroothian. That was the man, er, alien, they were looking for!
Derek said, "well, if that billboard is any indication, he must be famous around these parts. We better start asking people if they know where he is. Otherwise we're up shits creek without a paddle."
Kenny said, "g-good idea. I was just about to suggest that. Let's start asking."
The two began to go around, asking people if they've seen Gene. Kenny did most of the talking, since Derek felt like he was out of his element, talking to these strange beings from other planets.
….
A woman with arms on her head, a Gazorpian, said, "I have not seen him. I was busy grabbing lunch with my book club at Space Dairy Queen. Their food is surprisingly good, as is their ice cream."
….
A purple alien with one eye and super long arms said, "huh? That's me! I'm Gene Zaroothian. Why would- oh, wait, you meant the famous bounty hunter who has the exact same name, complexion and eye number as me. Sorry, haven't seen him…."
….
A furry blue alien with a massive amount of sharp teeth only said, "gaga blah blah?"
….
A woman that looked like a cross between a very voluptuous dominatrix and a pink alien squid who offered Derek a, "good time at the hotel", before he just slowly backed away. He may have been into kinky stuff online, but he wasn't gonna do…. That.
….
The final alien they asked had green skin and three eyes.
He told them, "oh yeah! I saw him. He was laying on a bench…. And he smelled like shit."
Derek replied, "oh! Uh, thanks for the help."
The alien said, "no problem. Happy to help, stranger."
With that nugget of information, they set off to look for the bench that had Gene Zaroothian sitting on it.
After looking around for a bit, Derek and Kenny finally found Gene…. Laying on a bench…. Surrounded by garbage…. Dressed in a gray jersey and sweatpants tied below his now legless stubs.
Kenny said, "uh…. Hello?"
Gene sat up, showing that one of his eyes was all black and hanging droopily.
He growled, "get away! Don't take my shit!"
Kenny said, "oh my God…. It can't be."
Gene growled, "what do you want?"
Derek asked, "are you…. Gene Zaroothian? The famous bounty hunter?"
Gene narrowed his eyes and asked, "who's askin'?"
Kenny asked, "you're…. You're really Gene?"
Gene groaned, "yeah, I'm really Gene. That's me. Like on the ads. Disappointed? Guess how I feel…."
Derek said, "sorry. Look, we were originally gonna ask for your help fighting the G3, but-"
Gene growled, "Kid, do I look like I can help anyone? I just got evicted. I don't even have a goddamn home!"
Derek said, "dude, my entire life just got uprooted by the G3! You don't have a home? At least your species aren't being hunted down to be smoked!"
Gene was a little taken aback by Derek's outburst.
He said, "alright, alright, jeez…. Sorry…."
Kenny said, "hey, hey. Calm down, human. Look, Gene, do you know anyone else who could help us? Maybe someone with all their legs?"
Gene said, "well, uh….", that's when noticed the house and changed the subject, "ho, ho ho ho! Look at that nice house! Damn, where'd that come from? That's a great fuckin' house! You see that house?"
As Derek calmed down, he turned towards his house and said, "huh? Oh! Yeah, that's my house. We just warped here to escape the G3. Why do you ask?"
Gene muttered, "damn. Can't stop lookin' at that beautiful house. Hmm….", he then addressed Derek and Kenny, "okay, the gears are turnin'. Maybe I can help you."
Kenny asked, "you can? But you just said-"
Gene interrupted, "buhbuhbuh, y-yeah, yeah, yeah, I-I, I said I'd help you fight the…. Who, who'd you say? The…. The G3 Cartel? Oh, yeah, oh come on, come on that's crazy, but…. Okay, well whatever, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah sure. We'll, we'll kill 'em all. Easy."
Derek crossed his arms and said, "I'm still new to the whole killing thing. I shot at G3 goons only to defend myself. What're you suggesting?"
Gene said, "well, I've got a fully-operational bounty suit in my cart over there."
Kenny said, "really? Well, that's convenient!"
Gene said, "yeah! I can turn you into a true, blue bounty hunter, Kid! But if you die, I want the house. That's the trade…."
Derek yelled, "what? Hell no! Dude, I don't wanna kill anyone else! I haven't even fired a gun before today. And giving you my parents house? Really? Hell no!"
Gene said, "come on, Kid. This is a great deal for you! I mean, you get all my old bounty hunter shit, and I might get a house. If you die. Which you probably won't."
Kenny said, "er, I don't know…."
Gene said, "enough talkin', j-just be a gun for a second. Kid, just put on the suit first, at the very least. See how ya feel. Then make a decision, yeah? I can always just pawn this shit off…."
Derek sighed and rubbed his temple. He didn't really have much of a choice, did he? Afterall, he and Lizzie had nowhere else to turn to. But could he really bring himself to become a bounty hunter? Killing people for money? But again…. He didn't really have many options left. So if he wanted to get any kind of help with his current situation, it was probably for the best if he went along with this for now.
Derek sighed, "fine. Let me try it on. What choice do I have?"
Derek went over to the cart and pulled out the suit, brushing off some light dust. First he pulled on the blue suit, which felt like a jumpsuit you'd wear on a jog. Then he put his own sneakers back on before pulling on the red gloves, which fit like, well, a pair of gloves, and then the full white chest armor, which felt like putting on a large but surprisingly light-weight, bullet-proof vest, a belt with several holsters for various weapons, and the helmet with a purple tinted visor, which resembled one an astronaut from Earth might wear. He put on the helmet as he looked himself over in the suit. His suit had a few small dents and scratches on the armor, indicating that it was quite durable, despite being owned by a bounty hunter for who knows how long. The visor had a small crack in the corner, and a tiny scratch above his eyes' field of vision.
Gene said, "wow! You look great, kid! A natural! Definitely not gonna die on your first bounty…."
The helmet's systems spring to life as a logo appears on his visor. SuitO5, Powered by WINDSHIELD.
Kenny asked, "so, what do you think?"
Derek sighed, "alright, I guess we'll give this a shot. But I still don't know about all this."
But then the words, "Activation Key Not Found", blinked onto his visor.
Gene said, "ah, yeah, shit. It's still in Trial Mode. I pawned off the activation license. The ticket should be in one of your pockets. Some loose change too. Should be enough."
Derek searched the suit's pockets until he found the key and some change.
Gene said, "alright. Now take that down to Mr. Keep's Pawn Shop and he'll get ya all set up. The suit'll help ya get there."
On the visor, a small pink circle with big eyes, a mouth and tiny arms and legs, resembling a cartoony version of the suit, popped up.
He said, "hey there, Gene Zaroothian! It's me, Suit-O, your helpful bounty hunting assistant!"
Derek groaned, both unnerved and frustrated with being immobilized, "great, my own version of Clippy…. Wow, if I remember what Clippy is, I feel old…."
Suit-O said, "before I enable mobility, I just need to identify your current objective. Scanning area…. Okay, perfect! Great job! I've identified your current objective: head on down to Mr. Keep's Pawn Shop. Everything is in working order. Mobility unlocked. You are free to move, Gene!"
Derek groaned, albeit relieved to be able to move again, "I'm not Ge- ugh, whatever."
Suit-O vanished as Gene said, "alright! I'll get things set up at your house while you're gone."
Derek said, "uh, Gene, I dunno if I should let you stay at my place."
Gene rationalized, "c'mon, kid. We had a deal. I give you my bounty huntin' gear, you give me a place to stay. Please? I really need a place to stay. And I can help ya stop the G3, remember? C'mon. At least give me a chance?"
Derek seriously thought about this for a few moments before he sighed and said, second guessing himself a little, "alright, fine…. Just tell my sister, Lizzie, that I, Derek, sent you."
Gene said, "right, right, no problem. Thanks Kid! You won't regret this."
Derek thought, 'I hope not….'
Derek began to make his way to the pawn shop. But as he walked, an ad popped up on his visor!
Derek groaned as he walked, "seriously?"
Suit-O popped up and said, "oooh, whoops! Sorry about all those pop-ups! I forgot to warn you about that. Those are gonna keep popping up until you activate the license. Sorry, you better hurry up!"
Suit-O vanished as Kenny asked, "you able to see okay? Sorry, I didn't expect Gene to be…. Like that."
Derek said, "even through all these ads I can still see well enough. So at least it's not obstructing everything I see. And yeah…. This situation with Gene is…. Well, frankly, nothing seems to be going right. Sigh, well…. I suppose it could probably be worse. I don't know HOW it could be worse, but it could be…."
They walked up a staircase leading to another street and made it to the pawn shop. The front sign read, "Mr. KEEPS & Son, Buy - Sell - Pawn."
Derek said, "this must be the place. Let's get rid of these friggin' ads."
Derek walked in.
He called out, "um…. Hello?"
The place was filled with mostly junk. And not even the good kind of junk. There were items such as brightly colored bounty hunter suits like the one he was wearing, a floating chair of some kind, reading cards on a shelf, a box on one shelf full of severed robotic limbs, a large TV, some shitty drawings that were actually framed, a dresser, a shelf with a ton of X-rated alien films, and many other strange items. He even saw what looked like a cross between a sex doll and RoboCop. Ew….
Behind the counter were two aliens. One looked like a scrawny kid with purple skin, wide eyes, a large hairless head with no nose or ears, wearing a red tunic of some kind.
He said, "what's up, freak!"
Derek whispered, "rude…."
The other alien was the exact opposite of the kid, being large and rotund, with beefy arms and legs, sitting in a floating chair of some kind and balding.
He yelled, "Jorb! Greet the customer properly!"
Jorb said obnoxiously, "welcome to Mr. Keep's, dip shit. We're your friendly neighborhood pawn shop. Buy somethin' or don't. Nobody even cares."
Mr. Keep's groaned, "Jorb!!! I'm so sorry, Jorb is insane. Come on up to the counter, let me help you out."
Derek said, "oh, thank you. I have this ticket. Uh, I'm gonna need the license key for this suit."
He put the ticket on the counter as Mr. Keep's said, "oh, so old Zaroothian doesn't feel like pawning his license key anymore? What, did he win the sweepstakes? Ha! Okay, so you want this license key? But…. But it's really nice. I kinda want it for myself…."
Jorb yelled, "you've got enough useless shit, Dad!"
Mr. Keep's groaned, "fine! Take it! It's yours!"
Mr. Keep's handed Derek the key as he said, "thank you."
All the ads on his visor finally vanished as Suit-O popped up and said, "okay! Fuck yeah! Activation license accepted! Bounty hunting suit is in perfect working order! Time for an important question…. Would you like to keep me on…. As your permanent 'in suit advisor'?"
Two options appeared on his visor, like tabs you'd see on a computer. They read; Yes and Of Course. Derek rolled his eyes. He couldn't get rid of Suit-O even if he wanted to. Well, he might as well roll with it.
He groaned, "of course…."
Suit-O said, "that was the best choice you coulda made! Alright, buh-bye now! I'll be back…. A bunch!"
Suit-O went down out of Derek's sight, giving one last little peek before vanishing.
Derek sighed while rubbing the top of his helmet, trying to get to his hair as he thought, 'this situation just keeps getting more hectic. And yet I'm slowly getting used to it somehow…. Maybe Gene is right? Maybe I can make it through this…. This must have been what it was like for Buck Thunder or Peter Quill.'
That's when he noticed the various things on his visor. In the top right corner was a count of all his money. 22 of whatever alien currency he had in his pocket. At the bottom of his visor was what looked like a health bar for himself, with a small yellow bar above it. A Shield of some kind, most likely. And a blue bar next to those, which might've been ammo or something. Guess that meant the suit recognized Kenny as his weapon.
Kenny said, "woah, not bad! It's got your vital readings, armor levels, even my biometrics. Gene really came through, didn't he? I told ya he'd be great!"
Derek said, "I will admit, this suit should come in handy if I do pursue this whole bounty hunter thing. But that's a big if, since I'm still trying to get used to all this."
Mr. Keep's said, "perfect, just what this galaxy needs, another good-for-nothing bounty hunter! Outta my store!"
Derek said, "alright, fine. Jeez, thanks for the help…. I guess."
Derek and Kenny left the store and proceeded on their way back to the house.
Kenny said, "alright, 'bounty hunter.' I guess let's head back to the house and check in with Gene?"
Derek said, "yeah. And, my name's Derek. Ya don't have to just call me 'bounty hunter' all the time."
Kenny said, "a-a-alright then…. Derek."
Derek looked down for a moment, before he took in the sights around him as his thoughts went through his head. He saw what looked like a Space Arby's serving food that…. Actually looked more appetizing than regular Arby's food. He passed an alleyway where two alien women stood. One looked like a woman with pink skin and a head resembling a bugs, and one was short, had red skin, a tail, four eyes and four arms. Both gave sultry looks as they made lewd gestures. Derek sped past them, not eager to sleep with alien hookers. Lord knows what kind of intergalactic STD’s they might have. He also took in the feeling of wearing his suit. It felt rather comfortable, even if it wasn't designed for a human.
Kenny asked, "is something wrong?"
Derek said, "I just…. Am I really gonna do this? Become a bounty hunter? Killing people for money?"
Kenny said, "well, we're not going after any innocent people. We're going after aliens who commit crimes. Killing people, selling drugs, stealing, and selling other species as drugs. Like your species."
Derek said, "yeah…. Maybe…. I mean, if we're only going after bad aliens…. People that deserve it…. Maybe that makes it better? It's just hard to rationalize, ya know?"
Kenny said, "yeah, I guess you're right. At least we're only going after G3 members right now."
Derek said, "yeah, you might be right…. Let's try to make the best of the situation we're in…. Maybe it's best to just roll with what's happening. Make the best out of a crazy bad situation?"
Kenny stuttered, "yeah, good-good idea."
As they approached the house, they saw a bunch of tiny green men in yellow hard hats leaving the house.
Kenny said, "huh, there's…. There's little guys comin' outta your house."
Derek said, "they must've been helping Gene get set up over here. They look like the Doozers from Fraggle Rock…. I just let an alien move in. Why am I getting used to all this shit? I must be losing my friggin' mind…."
The two made their way inside, where they saw a trail of blood leading outside. The G3's body was gone, so that would explain the blood trail.
As they entered, they saw Gene sitting on the couch watching TV as Lizzie stood in the kitchen, looking very pissed and confused. A giant, red computer was set up in the corner near the TV with what looked like an empty doorway next to it.
Lizzie exclaimed, "there you are!"
Gene said, "hey! Nice house you got here. Real fancy. Way better than my bench."
Derek said, "well, uh, I see you made yourself right at home…."
Lizzie walked up to Derek and asked in frustration, "who's this weirdo and why is he setting up a…. Fucking huge alien computer in our living room?"
Gene said, "okay, first of all, that 'alien computer' is a very expensive and surprisingly operational Bounty 5000. So, uh…. You're welcome."
Lizzie asked in confusion, "a what 5000?"
Gene said, "a Bounty 5000. It does exactly what ya think it does. Ya use it to do bounty hunting shit."
Derek explained, "this is Gene, that guy Kenny was talking about. Since he's got missing legs and can't bounty hunt anymore, I made a deal that he could set up shop here so I could use his old gear. Guess I'm becoming a bounty hunter now…."
Lizzie groaned, exasperated at the situation, "you were only gone five minutes and you already told some random alien he could move in with us and are becoming a bounty hunter? That's what you did. That's totally what you did!"
Derek sighed and explained, "Lizzie, it wasn't exactly my first choice. Me and Kenny planned on asking him to do all the bounty hunting. But with VERY limited options, I guess I'm gonna have to do that shit while he sets me up with the gear. And as long as I don't die, the house is still ours. I'm just trying to make lemonade out of some supremely messed up lemons."
Kenny said, "yeah, look, we know it's a lot all at once! But we need him to save your species, so…. Do you think you could put up with him for a bit?"
Lizzie said, "well, yeah, if it's gonna help us save our friends and family, sure. Sorry, everything I've ever known just got flipped upside down, so I don't know what's weird or not anymore."
Derek said, "you ain't the only one, Lizzie. I saw crazy shit out there. A woman with arms instead of ears on her head. Big blue muppet looking things. Guys with multiple limbs. Aline hookers. It's nuts. I'm just trying to roll with all this crazy shit."
Gene suddenly blurted out, "hey, I don't like getting up to take shits, so I'm just gonna shit right here in the couch-"
Derek quickly said, "no, no, fuck, no! You get up to take a shit in the bathroom like everyone else. I am not cleaning up alien shit, ya hear me?!"
Gene said, "alright, alright, fine! Jeez, you can get pretty angry, ya know that?"
Derek said, "I talk shit, I don't clean it up."
Lizzie asked, "is this normal for aliens, or is it weird? That was weird, right?"
Kenny said, "most aliens I meet tend to use the bathroom. So I'm thinking it's either just Gene, or his species shits anywhere they like…."
Gene said, "it's just me, honestly. Hey, your mom's nice."
Derek said, "she's my sister, but whatever. I guess we should get down to business? I guess? So, do we just jump into the deep end and start hunting down G3 officers, or what?"
Gene said, "I'm not sure you're ready just yet. I mean, they don't let you fuck the glumpers at Glumpee's without a Level 4 FuckPass, do they?"
Derek, Lizzie and Kenny all said, "uh…."
Gene said, "well, they don't. Maybe I should send you out on a little test run first, eh?"
Derek said, "a test run? Like what?"
Gene said, "I've got just the thing. A small-time local gangster by the name of 9-Torg. She took my favorite knife. She's got an operation out in the Slums. Maybe you kill her and get my knife back? Then we'll talk. Maybe take you out to Glumpee's to celebrate."
Derek said, "a hard pass on Glumpee's, but I guess this bounty should help get us started…. And, this 9-Torg? Is she evil? Cause I don't wanna kill any innocent people."
Gene explained, "oh, 9-Torg is a major bitch. Runs a whole criminal operation down in the slums. Kills a ton of innocent people. Works for the G3 sometimes. She even ate her exes…. And that's not even normal for her species! She's just fucked up. No-one's gonna miss her."
Derek thought, 'okay, at least the target isn't an innocent person. This 9-Torg sounds like a real piece of work.'
Kenny said, "alright, so we just…. Head out to the Slums?"
Gene said, "no, moron. You gotta use the Bounty 5000 to initiate a bounty. That's what I went through all the trouble of setting it up for."
Kenny said, "okay, jeezit."
Derek went over to the Bounty 5000 and pressed his hand up to the screen, hoping that's how it worked. Luckily, he was right. It turned on and showed a list of bounties. The first one was 9-Torg. Derek clicked on it as it showed her bio.
She looked sort of like a cross between an ant and a human, with large eyes, antenna, four small pincer arms/mandibles on her sides, a long left arm, her right arm replaced with some sort of pink/purple robotic limb with a huge claw, wearing a blue suit of some kind.
The bio read; TORG FAMILY MATRIARCH. Commands a small-time crime family who claims Blim City Slums as their turf. Ate her last three partners. Constantly stuck in a power struggle with her own clones. Has a gang of roughly fifty Torgs. Has a huge robotic claw that can cleave you in two. Has mandibles as sharp as knives. Don't underestimate her.
The reward was 1,000 of the alien currency, which we'll just call credits.
Derek somewhat reluctantly pressed the button that said: ACCEPT BOUNTY.
But a portal didn't appear in the doorway of the Bounty 5000.
Derek said, "what the…."
Gene groaned, "shit. Normally that door would open up a gateway that lets you walk right through it."
Kenny asked, "so what do we do?"
Gene said, "calm down. The bounty's right here in Blim. Do you mind just heading out on foot? The Slums gateway ain't too far from here. I'll get the Bounty 5000 all fixed up while you're gone."
Kenny said, "yeah…. Sure. Alright, let's go."
Derek looked at Lizzie and said, "Lizzie, stay safe and…. Keep Gene from shitting on the couch."
Lizzie cringed and said, "no problem…. And be careful, please?"
Derek glanced at Gene, giving a stern look, as if daring him to try anything funny. Gene gave a shaky nod before Derek nodded firmly at Gene and then his sister before he and Kenny left.
They heard Gene yell, "don't forget to get my knife!"
Kenny said, "we're looking for the gateway to the Slums, I guess. It shouldn't be too far."
The two went down the street, looking around, seeing the various shops and buildings, until they saw a small set of gates that were barred, denying anyone access. One gate was red. The other blue.
Derek said, "that looks like the place."
As they approached, they saw two strange alien heads poking out of tubes of some kind. Red and blue respectively.
The Red one said, "hey! Don't even think about goin' down in the Slums!"
The Blue one said, "yeah! This is a maintenance-only shaft! So scram!"
Derek said, "sorry, but I need to get into the Slums. Please, can ya just let us through?"
Red tried to say, "no-"
Blue interrupted, "hold on! So you really want to get into the Slums, huh? Then settle a bet for us?"
Red said nervously, "oh, come on. Don't, don't make him answer this man."
Blue growled, "no! I wanna know."
Kenny said, "it's fine, we'll help."
Derek asked, "what is it?"
Blue said, "okay, great! If you saw us at the bar, which of us would you ask out?"
Derek thought, 'seriously? Well, neither of you, but I get the feeling they won't let me pass if I don't answer. The blue one's kind of a prick, so I guess….'
Derek answered, "Red guy."
Red asked, "whoa, seriously?"
Blue said, "okay, come on. You don't gotta say that just to make him feel better. He's a big boy. He can take it if you think he's way uglier than me."
Red exclaimed, "no no no, they said me! They picked me, dude! They picked me, not YOU! They picked me, they said I was hotter! Not YOU!"
Blue said, "well it's true! Look at you! I'm not a liar, man. I've never lied in my life. I look at you, I see filth."
Derek thought, 'Jesus….'
Red said, "no, well…. That's not what they said! They picked me! They said I was hotter. I…. Didn't you say that?"
Derek said, "listen, we're not switching around here."
Kenny said, "yeah, we picked the red guy. That's the direction we're moving in."
Red said, "thank you. Thank you so much for not changing your mind. I really thought you were gonna flake on me. Thank you."
Blue yelled, "nah! No no! Fuck you! Change your mind right now! Pick me instead! This is insane. I am so much hotter!"
Red said, "you need to chill out, alright? They picked me and that's final. That's a final pick! If you want to throw a fit, do it on your own time. Just let me have this one time, man. Hey. Thanks for being honest. Look, don't tell anyone, but you can go through my door anytime you want from now on. Our little secret. Free passage in and out of the slums."
Red's gate opened as Kenny said, "oh! Thank you!"
Derek said, "yeah man, this is really helpful."
Blue said, "yeah? Well, my doors locked forever. You made an enemy today. You're never ever going to get to use my door."
Derek said, "well, you know what? That is perfectly fine with me. You are a huge dick. Like the biggest ever. Red's nice enough to let us use his door, which works perfectly fine. So see ya later."
As Derek and Kenny went through the gate, Kenny said, "I think we handled that as best as we could…. Ya know?"
Derek said, "yeah, I think so."
And so, the pair began to walk down the tunnel to the Slums, off to collect their first ever bounty….