Unknown |not cont.|

i think i'm getting worse, excuse my negativity

Hahaha I feel like total shit hahaha
~~~~~
"I think I'm getting worse," Aleks said softly, James turning his head and giving Aleks a soft smile.

"Aleksandr, you're fine. You're not drinking anymore right, plus you look happy to me." The smile warmed Aleks heart, but it turned cold when he looked James in the eye.

"Yeah, it's just, I still feel... bad," He said, trying to explain how he felt. It was so hear to explain something that no one else understood. It was like speaking a foreign language, not being able to communicate and it killed him to know that no matter how hard he tried, he was alone in this.

Alone, always alone.

"James, come over," Aleks said quickly, heart beating rapidly and hands shaking and his mind racing with chants of how stupid he was being.

"To your house? Sure." James shrugged. A smile tugged at Aleks' face, and it stayed in place for the whole day.

|||

"It's getting late, I think I should he'd home so I can feed Ein and take her out for a bit," James said, getting up and stretching his back.

"Okay, yeah." Aleks got up too, swallowing words that fought to get out and spill on the floor. He walked with James to the door, giving him a hug, squeezing him tightly as if he was holding on to the only thing that kept him grounded.

"Um, Aleks?" James asked, and Aleks realized that James had released his hold and he hadn't. He didn't loosen his grip.

"J-just give me a moment, please?" He croaked, head buried in the crook of James' neck as he felt the arms return around him.

"Okay," James whispered, letting Aleks take his time with the hug, until finally, after many minutes of soft breaths and skin turning red from his tightly they were holding onto each other, Aleks let go.

He didn't want to let go, but he did, because it was what he had to do. James had his own life, his own worries, other things outside of Aleks and his shitty problems. Distress filled him as James left the house, his heart sinking and that feeling of getting worse and worse fading into his skin and making him feel even more worse, which made him feel like a failure.

Everything added up and weighed him down and he wanted to know who planted this seed of pure hatred towards himself and his sadness inside of him. Who watered it? Who helped it grow and infest his insides with leaves made of depression and anxiety? Aleks did. He knew it, he just chose to ignore the fact that he brought this upon himself.

He would say that it hit him like a train wreck, but in reality, his thoughts were already an accident. No, this thought, this idea, it flew in. Sucked everything out of his mind until only this one thing was there.

He needed to rid himself of that horrible illness.

Poison killed plants. Draining out the roots and uprooting the plant would kill it, make it disappear. Aleks had been doing so well with solving his problems without a beer, but right now, he needed it, he really did.

So he opened the bottle.

Only one, just one...

Another, it won't hurt...

Soon Aleks was seeing blurry and he didn't even know why he had started drinking in the first place. What was really going through his head when he opened those bottles of varied brands of alcohol, he didn't know. He didn't even know why he felt sad, or why he did what he did, or why he cared to much about the wrong people.

They say a drunk mans words are the liars truth, but when it came to Aleks, his mind was constantly in overdrive, preventing him from confessing what really mattered.

He needed help.

He really needed to stop reverting back to old ways.

He really, really needed to stop caring so goddamn much for that one boy, that one guy that dug under his skin and made him want to scream and laugh and run a marathon because he was so full on this energy that seemed to come out of nowhere-

He really needed to stop blacking out from alcohol consumption.

|||

"Where were you yesterday, you didn't answer my calls,"

...

"Aleks, tell me."

*Shuffling, silence.*

"Aleks, I swear to fucking god, I'm sick of this shit of you not showing up. It's been two weeks since I came over, and you only stopped by the office once. What the fuck is wrong?"

"Everything. Everything is wrong."

"Aleks, please, just come in, it'll be good for you."

"Talking to people who don't know shit won't help me."

"Then why do you talk to me? You think I know what's wrong with you? How to cure you?"

*Silence.*

"Aleks?"

*sharp intake of breath, sob*

"Aleks, are you crying?"

"I need to go."

"Aleks, don't hang up-"

*call disconnected*
~~~~~~
*falls back into void of un-motivation*