It was like a silent stated own in the hallway, Aleks looking and feeling better than he had in months and James looking slightly disheveled. Aleks had no words and James had them all stuck in his throat, hands forming fists in his pockets as Aleks put his head down, passing James with a slight brush against his shoulder.
It was like someone smacked his back, and words flew out, making Aleks stop dead in his tracks.
"I need to talk to you."
The Russian turned, looking up at James.
"About what?"
"About my thoughts, about what you said, about why you pushed me away."
Aleks took a deep breath, and took James' hand without another word.
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"I'm really sorry," James said, giving Aleks a broken stare.
"What for?" Aleks laughed nervously, hand tingling from where James clenched it, soft skin in a vice-like grip.
"I just- I didn't try enough, I didn't want to understand, and Aleks I didn't think that the shit you were going through was that hard."
"James-"
"You literally are everything. Everything I do has to do with you, and who you are, and what you hide, and I can't even explain what I feel. I feel lost and I just want something to keep me grounded," James croaked, and Aleks didn't realize how close he was, breath hitting his lips and eyes flickering between his own and his mouth.
Aleks found himself thinking what it would feel like to have James' beard run against his skin.
"James, I-" Aleks was cut off by James stepping away.
"I know, Aleks, I know you want to work on yourself, I know that you don't need me, but I sure as hell need you, more than anything else," James croaked, and he pulled Aleks in, hugging him close to his chest and now speaking into his ear.
"I don't know what it is, but being with you makes a piece return to my mind and makes me so at ease, I'm surprised I haven't basked in your presence until now."
Those words made Aleks' heart swell in a way that had him getting lost in the daze, swaying from where he stood. But he left the haze, giving James a smile.
" Do me a favor and grab me a beer. Let's talk, James."
|||
With every word, James felt the weight that seemed to loom over his body disappear, James watching as Aleks took calm sips from the bottle while he spoke, as if he truly did understand each word.
When you discover how what you feel is felt amongst others, it really puts everything into perspective. Those late nights that you find yourself pondering over the different ways to die, and which one you would prefer. The wonders of suicide and if you really could do it, not because you want to, but because the idea of taking your own life is one you can barely fathom.
Everyone lives a complex life, all with their own problems and thoughts and emotions. Their own version of the world.
But still, some things spread throughout people and it is scary to think about how someone else could be sitting up late at night, pondering death just like you are. Our minds are fragile but strong, and the terrifying thing is that we break so fast and heal so slow.
Connections form with thoughts and opinions and some stay for an everlasting time, growing into something you can't even describe because it feels like this person was here with you for your entire life, always beside you.
James and Aleks felt a connection that was mutual. it was understanding, it was true, and it was the best feeling in the world the way they could be together. With Aleks' confession between them, nothing had changed and Jams didn't even pay it any mind. In any case, he was probably happy that he could be cared for in that way.
So when the night ended, both walking out and about to split up directions to their own cars, James couldn't stop the feeling of blood running cold as Aleks said goodbye, veins seeming to scream out for him to stay, hand itching at his side to pull him back.
Humans have complex language and it's a wonder we can attach terms to movements, because James saw his racing mind and nervous heartbeat as something lethal in it's own way. It was fast and quick and he would say it was like a train hitting when you least expected it but James knew he had been waiting on the tracks for a while.
He was walking to his car alone, and he wished the other male was beside him because the ache in his chest made him realize that his heart was dug out of his chest by the same person that gave him the sweetest of smiles and the most delicate of laughs.
Aleks was a butcher with an innocent face and had cut into James' skin with his words and replaced his heart with an empty space that only seemed to be filled when he was with him.
James knew what had happened, and he almost wanted to laugh with how stupid it was, because despite denying it before, James had fallen in love.
~~~~~
eh not sure if I like how this came out...
and dedicated to the lovely squish who recommended my story on her tumblr. check her out, she's rad af
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Unknown |not cont.|
Fiksi Penggemar"Sometimes, I just want to... stop breathing." Aleks gave a sharp, pitiful laugh with his words, shaking his head. "You're drunk." "No, I'm not," he croaked, lips trembling. Silence fell between them. "But I really wish I was." __________ Note: dr...
