Time is like sand, so many grains that seem endless, until an ocean carries it all away, instantly gone. You think you have so much left when really, it only takes one wave for your grains of sand to be gone. Of course, other people share your beach. They give you some of their sand and you give them some of yours, placing it in their hands for them to keep until they too are washed away by the ocean.
Aleks thought he had all the time in the world to say how he felt, and now that he did, he hated himself for waiting this long. For waiting so long to realize that love wouldn't save him, that he didn't need anyone else. He could want it, but he couldn't depend on it, because who in their right mind thinks it's okay to lay all your weight on someone else for them to carry?
They have their own weight that they have to hold, do you really think they can take yours too? People in the world need to realize that love won't help.
It can ease the pain, it can make you feel wonderful and happy and motivated. But it can't cure.
You take a look at yourself and you cure yourself. You do what you have to do to overcome your problems, and yes, being in love might help, it can be your goal to achieve, but it will most definitely not be the solution. What im trying to say is- only depend on yourself.
It's horrible to keep it in, it's so bad to let it all build up, so tell someone, give them a share of your sadness and take a share of their own, but don't throw it all into them. You keep your sadness. They keep theirs.
Aleks wanted to get rid of his sadness but until this point, he realized that he needed to cure himself. So he walked slowly down the hallways, James calling after him but he didn't listen.
"I'll come back in tomorrow, James, don't worry," and Aleks turned around and smiled.
He smiled.
Through the broken spirits and hard truths he smiled, and even though it was small, it was proof to himself and to James that he would pull through and beat the cursed illness that had settled in his bones.
On his own.
Because that's all he really needed.
He heard James leave, smile fading as he took a deep breath, walking to the bathroom. He would get better, he would get better, he was determined to get better.
The shower started, Aleks shedding his clothing and walking in, cool water turning warm as he faced the shower head, letting the stream hit his head and fall down his face. He didn't even know it when he grabbed the razor, looking at it in his hands with half interest. With a gulp, he set it down again, closing his eyes and turning so the water pounded on his back, washing his hair and body before stepping out.
He ignored how his gaze lingered on the blade.
Venturing to his room, he got dressed and cleaned up, making his bed and placing clothes in the laundry basket before he felt a wave of pride travel through him.
He did this. He did something and even though it was minor, it showed he was really trying.
He was proud of that.
|||
James didn't even know what he was doing as he drove. He was home before he knew it, walking to his house in a daze, immediately greeted by Ein, who tipped and wagged her tail before giving a whine. It was hard to keep a smile when you're entire life felt like it was plummeting to the ground. He felt guilty all because he wasn't good enough to know how he felt, to know how to speak his feelings.
It was like a constant sinking in your stomach, a feeling that was indescribable because of how real it was. He couldn't put it into words, the ache in you're hear and chest, every piece of you feeling weighted and detached- like you're just immobile in a useless body that carried out actions unknown.
James was falling apart. He felt weird and confused and everything all at once but still he could not say what he felt.
It was too much, but at the same time not enough.
It was everything in the goddamn universe but it still didn't make anything because he couldn't make sense of it.
It was like every fucking thing was in front of him, but there was a glass panel in front of him and holding him back from getting it. From getting what was there, from getting what would make him understand.
James was there but not there, and as he dragged himself into bed, his dog sleeping near the edge, he stayed up thinking about how he was so wrong to feel this way. So wrong to be this way.
James was so very wrong in every possible way and it just didn't add up.
He was supposed to be fine. He had everything and nothing was wrong with his life so why did he feel like this?
And now he thinks back to when Aleks wished that James didn't know how it felt to have you're entire consciousness die, all reality distorting and your mind becoming your enemy. Now, James thinks he knows what it feels like to want so many things but yet not wanting any of them at the same time. He knows how it feels to be unknown in all senses and he knows how it feels to feel like no one really knows you at all.
He knows, and he really wished he didn't.
~~~~~
I moved~
[[[thank you all for being patient and yee]]]
YOU ARE READING
Unknown |not cont.|
Fanfiction"Sometimes, I just want to... stop breathing." Aleks gave a sharp, pitiful laugh with his words, shaking his head. "You're drunk." "No, I'm not," he croaked, lips trembling. Silence fell between them. "But I really wish I was." __________ Note: dr...
