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i fucking hate how i love you

"I love you."

Everything froze. Both of them going tense as thoughts raced through their heads.

"I love you," Aleks said again, slowly and softly it was hard for even James, who was right next to him, to hear. James' heart was beating so fast he swore it was about to drill right out of his chest, and his hands were shaking from nervousness as Aleks looked up at him.

"Aleks-" James cut himself off, stepping back as Aleks looked down, lips trembling.

"It slipped out, I didn't mean to say it," he croaked, tears brimming his eyes. He hated himself. Hated his feelings, hated his heart, hated how he couldn't control how he felt. He hated everything.

James didn't know what to say. He didn't deserve this, Aleks didn't deserve any of this. If only the boy knew how much of a fuck up he really was. James didn't have all the answers, he didn't have anything going for him. All he had was an amazing friend who deserved so much more and definitely didn't deserve someone as fucked up as James. James didn't deserve Aleks either, because Aleks was strong and controlled and everything James was not. James didn't deserve him as a friend, and definitely not as a lover.

He didn't know why he loved being with Aleks, and he didn't know why he got weird urges, and those odd flutters in his stomach whenever the boy smiled and laughed. James didn't know how he felt and he despised it more than he despised Aleks for falling for him.

"James, please say something," Aleks begged, stepping forward. James swallowed, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry, Aleks," he said softly, looking away as he covered his mouth.

Aleks swore his world was plummeting to the ground. He didn't mean to say it, he really wished he didn't say it. He wished he had kept up his act of loving James like a friend should, but he didn't, and now he was going to pay because now his best friend was going to leave him in the dirt, and hold it over his head, and drain all the feelings out of him slowly until Aleks was nothing.

He was nothing.

"I don't know how I feel."

In an instant, a candle was lit. Hope that James would discover he did love him, hope that-

Aleks put out that candle as soon as it was lit.

There were no miracles in this fucked up world, in his fucked up life. Nothing would turn out his way, nothing would be all right.

"But, I do care about you, a lot. That's why I came here, because I care."

James could feel it not working. He could feel Aleks shutting down and he could feel him going numb and he could feel his cold skin on his as he grabbed him, pulling him close and trying his hardest to keep him together.

Aleks was so scared, his heart racing as he pushed his head into James' shoulder, trying to steady his breath as he was hugged. Things wouldn't be the same- James was just being nice now. In the office he would never talk to him again and hate him and it would make Aleks hate himself even more.

He should have never fallen in love

He should have stayed far away from it.

Because it was an illness that left you not quite dead, but damaged enough to leave a lasting mark. It left you forever scarred and it stole a piece of you, making it so you never felt completely whole until you found someone that gave you the world, showing you that even a broken world is a beautiful one. Life made it so we believe love is something that lasts forever, when the ugly reality is- it doesn't. It runs its course and makes you hungry for more; the ultimate high on the ultimate drug. You will break in this fucked up world and you will be left bruised and battered and wishing death. Books and movies show that someone else will help you pick yourself up.

That never happens.

You get up, you limp back home, and you start over. You learn, you remember, you are forced to live with the memories and the battle damage that you wear on your skin. Don't tell someone that they have it easy because once they were left in the dirt just like you were. They survived, and so did you. You both overcame what others did not and you did it on your own.
Just that thought made Aleks push James away.

He didn't need him.
~~~~~
Want something happy so you aren't left in a shitty mood? Well I have just published an immortalanex Fic heh heh.

So Sorry to self promote, I really hate doing it, but I'm putting so much effort into this one and I really want it to pay off.

And I'm moving. My room is completely empty except for my bed and I'm leaving wifi for the next week, so don't beg for faster updates cause I won't even be able to publish them, sorry.