TANGLED PLANS

35

3 months later

Summer starts to wrap around way quicker than my mind can comprehend. The start of summer was slow, so slow to the point where it seemed like I spent all day in my room when, in reality it was only an hour. I had spent the first month wallowing in my room due to the fact that there were a lot of choices in my life.

My mind, in specific.

In my mind, there was constant stress about the event that occurred before the last week of school. I had shared my feelings with a guy who hadn't reciprocated those feelings. He even went as far as to belittle those feelings by saying they didn't matter.

If it didn't matter, then why would I have spent the first month of summer trying not to cry all night? There wasn't anything different from this summer to the last one. Last year, I knew that the guy I was fascinated with didn't like me either. This year, I know that as well. But there is still a significant difference.

Last year, I was free to wonder what would happen if he did take a liking to me. What would happen then? Max was around for the summer last year, and as he came over almost every day, I was free to think about him. I was free to create a fantasy.

Now my fantasies are ruined.

This year, I couldn't sit around and fantasize about Max in my head. I couldn't do that because I already knew how he didn't like me. This is why I didn't want to get mixed up with Max. This is why I kept my distance from him; I didn't want to know that he didn't like me. Now I know, and I cannot think about him.

The first month of summer was also spent grieving the loss of my mom. She had passed for a full year now. The house was eerily silent that one week. My dad spent his time working late hours and spending what time he was home in his bedroom. I would hear him come out of his room at odd hours and stay downstairs for the full night. Staying in a bed where he lay with my mom was hard for him to do.

Brayden, who had made up with his girlfriend the last week of school during a class where almost everyone had ditched, had been miserable as well. I could hear a tennis ball being hit at the wall over and over again. This was a way for him to cope with his feelings. Also, bring Vanessa over. They both would go up to his room, where they seemed comfortable with each other.

Brayden's form of grievance was also shutting out the world, so that's what I did as well. I stayed in my room the whole time with headphones on as I attempted to fall asleep. I didn't want to think about anythingm. I didn't want to think about how it had been a full year, 365 days, since she had left us. Toward the end of the week, I had broken down and spent most of my day crying.

Grief hits the same all the time. That's why I tried to avoid it. I tried to avoid it because I couldn't bear the pain and emptiness in my head.

After the first month of summer and following the holiday on the 4th, the girls forced me to come out to a party. They had come over to my house on multiple occasions earlier, but I would refuse to get out of bed. I would refuse to do such a task as going to the mall with them. I wasn't interested in it.

I wasn't going to go to the July 4 pool party until my dad talked me into it. He told me about how he didn't like his teenage daughter staying home and not doing anything. He thought I was wasting my life away. So he sent me to a no-adult party with alcohol and other substances. He did make me promise to not drink any, which I was fine with.

After the 4th, I went out at least once a week with Maria and Keilly, who were perfectly the people I needed to hang out with. They were full of energy but understood my situation. They had helped me out while also forcing me to have fun.