TANGLED PLANS

46

In my dream, my mom and I are talking in my room as we usually do. Did. She walks up to my bed and takes a seat, grabbing my hand as she does so. My heart aches, I know that something was going to be wrong. Only, my mom smiles and suddenly every worry in my mind goes away.

My mom's smile is wide as she squeezes my hand. "Hey, Daisy", my mom says in a low voice like she has a secret.

"What is it?", I ask my mom with the same tone. Her eyes widen when she says, "You know you're the best daughter I have?"

"Funny", I say to ber with an easy smile. "I'm the only one you have."

"Hm", my mom hums. "I guess that's true."

"Took you long enough to figure out", I say with a laugh and she shares the laugh with me. Her laughter was the happiest thing in the world, it flowed around the room like it was the wind. So carefree. I wanted to be as confident as her.

"When I go", she starts and I'm already crying. We can't have a nice conversation even in here without her mentioning her death. I hated it; I wanted to exist in a world with her where she would always be here. Where her memory would always be of her smile, her laughter. Everything good— never bad. "I want you to know that."

"Mom, I'm your only daughter", I remind her. "I know that."

"No", my mom says as she cracks a knuckle on my hand. I smile at it, it was wierd but my mom always did it. "That I love you. That you're one of my favorite people in the world." Her eyes sparkle when she says this and mine are the same, except I'm crying.

"I love you too, mom", I choke at the last word. I didn't want her to go. I wanted to hold her close and have her let me know that she would always be here. I wanted to hold her and never let go.

I close my eyes and think about all of our happy moments together. As I feel her hand in mine, I think about how fresh the pastries that we made with my dad smelt. How the laughter of Brayden and I echoed through the house with us sharing one. I think about how happy dad was as he grabbed mom's hand and spun her around in the kitchen. I think about how I had been forwning as I wanted to dance as well and my mom let go of my dad's hand to grab for mine. I think about how my mom spun me around in the spot, over and over again until I got dizzy. I think about all of our happy moments together and everything bleeds together.

Here, with her hand in mine, everything is perfect.

I feel her hand slipping away from mine as she brings her head close to mine. She presses her cheek to mine and the both of us breathe together. Together. My mom channels are love to me and sitting with her like this, I can see how much she loves me. I can feel it. There's a noise at the door behind her. I feel my mom take her cheek away from mine, leaving me with a sudden cold feeling rather than her warmth. The warmth that I had wanted to keep.

It's like time slows. I'm memorizing her. Her smile, her knowing look in the eyes I inherited from her. I'm memorizing her love for me, I'm scared that it will disappears if she were to go.

But the time doesn't slow, it moves too fast. Way too fast. One second my mom is mouthing the words I love you, and the next she is gone from my sight.

The noise at the door gets louder and I curse at it. I don't want to get to it. If I got to the door, my mom will be gone. But she is already gone. The ghost of her smile still remains, but she is gone .

"Don't leave", I whisper to her, desperate as I want to keep her here and realize that I have said that out loud. Right, it was a dream. I always seem to forget that the only place where I can talk and see her exists in my dream. The knocking on the door still remains, low but there.