amnesia •l.h•

16 •July 19•

"I loved you, Bri. And I didn't want to hurt you."

"How could you hurt me by telling me how you felt about me; how I felt about you." I say.

"You had just woken up, you had no idea who you were, much less who I was. I didn't want to overwhelm you, or for you to feel like you had to go out with a guy you didn't even know just because he said he was your boyfriend. I didn't want to put you through that."

I look down at the ground, realizing he has a point. I shouldn't have gotten so upset over this.

"Do you still?" I ask, my head facing the ground, the words barely audible, tears slipping out of my eyes, a few at a time.

"Do I still what?" He asks me in a quiet voice, taking a few steps toward me and lifting my chin up until my eyes met his.

"Do you still love me?" I answer, looking into his eyes, suddenly wishing I could look at them forever, but I know I can't. Not after I find out how he feels about me, because I know I won't be able to feel the same way.

His tongue glides over his bottom lip, lingering over the cool metal of his lip ring for a few seconds, before he looks down at the ground, letting go of my face.

"I do." He says, so quiet I almost can't hear him.

"Luke, I-" I begin, but he cuts me off.

"I know you don't love me. At least not yet. But I know you did once." He looks back up at me for a few seconds, hope in his eyes. "And I believe that you can love me again. I'll wait however long it takes, Brinna."

I don't know what to say.

Instead, I decide not to say anything. I reach up, wrapping my arms around his neck, bringing his face closer to mine, before I press my lips against his.

He immediately moves his lips in sync with mine.

It feels familiar. And from the way he's kissing me, I know we must have done this a million times before, and I imagine he's been waiting for this for a while, ever since I woke up in that hospital bed.

He pulls away, and I suddenly feel empty without his lips on mine.

"Why did you do that?"He asks, confusion laced in his eyes.

"Because I've been waiting for it for a while. Longer than I probably thought."

"You didn't just do that because you feel sorry for me?"

"Of course not, Luke. Is that how it felt?" I ask, suddenly afraid that I wasn't able to show him exactly how I felt with that kiss, like I had intended.

"No, I was just nervous, that's all. I've been wanting to do that for a while, but I wasn't sure how you felt, and I didn't want to rush into things." He tells me.

"I'm sorry I can't love you like you love me, Luke." I say, blinking back a few tears. I honestly can't remember how it feels to be loved, for real, not just by people who suddenly realize how important you are to them just because you almost die.

I hate that I can't show him how it feels, he deserves it. He doesn't deserve me. He deserves someone who will love him.

I just wish I could sort out my feelings for him.

"Don't feel bad, Bri," he says, wiping the tears out from under my eyes with the pad of his thumb. "Let's just be together for right now, okay?" He smiles, bringing his lips to mine once more.

I tangle my hands in his hair, and he wraps his arms around my waist, holding my body against his, as if he never wants to let go of me.

Something still feels wrong, though.

I can't know, much less love, someone I barely remember when I don't even know myself, who I am.

Memories are running through my brain of the night I was walking all alone, with blood stained on my wrists. The time Tabby told me she would make my life a living hell.

There are so many blanks in my life. Missing pieces to the puzzle, and I have to complete it before I can even begin to think about being with someone else. He deserves better than that.

I pull away, not exactly sure how to tell him this.

"What is it?" He asks.

"I can't do this," I whisper. "I'm still trying to figure out who I am, and I need to do it by myself, I need some time alone to think things through."

"But Bri, you told me everything before. Can't I help you figure it out? I know who you are better than you know yourself." He replies.

"Exactly. That thought alone terrifies me. You remember things about me that I don't. There are memories of us that are stuck in your brain, but missing from mine. How can you be with someone who doesn't know you as well as you know her?"

"I wanted this, Bri. I made that decision the day you woke up in the hospital and your dad whispered in my ear that you didn't know who I was. I knew I had to do it all again. But I also knew it was worth it. I got a chance to fall in love with you again. And that's the best thing that ever happened to me."

My heart skips a beat after hearing his beautiful words. I feel the butterflies in my stomach again, but I force them down.

"But what if I change?" I reply. "What if who you remember isn't who I turn out to be?"

"I don't think you understand, Bri. I love you, whoever you decide to be. I'll always love you. No matter what."

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it took me like an hour to write this, and i know it's kinda sad but i've been listening to sad music all night and idk i just felt like it. oops