Meant To Be

Chapter twenty-eight

"I'm doing it for the horse." Zac replayed the scene in his head for the hundredth time. Casey opened a packet of peanut butter cookies and dipped one in her coffee. She pushed them across the table towards Zac. He took no notice.

"Maybe it doesn't matter why," said Casey.

"Why wouldn't it matter?"

Casey remained comfortable sitting across the way from Zac, chewing her biscuit, the caramel leaking over her tongue. She'd grown use to the swiftness of their conversations, the brutally of Zac's offence. "I dunno Zac, you tell me."

"I'm just trying to get on with things. Isn't that what everyone wants me to fucking do?"

A splurge of guilt festered in Casey's stomach. She'd been getting up earlier than usual recently, making coffee and eating breakfast – usually scrambled eggs on toast. Happier that the days were passing, taking them with it. "No one wants you to force yourself into doing something you don't want to."

Zac leaned across the table, pushing his forehead into his hands. Casey stretched, moving his mug out of the way. It was one of her favourites. Tall and wide. The steam had stopped fluttering from inside. Casey couldn't remember if she asked him if he wanted tea or coffee. She only remembered giving him tea because he was still having bother sleeping at night and she had bought him the decaffeinated kind. Unknown still to Zac.

"Sometimes it feels like I've made her up." Zac pressed back into the chair, breaking through the solid cluster wanting to house in his throat. "I know it's my own fault. I've done away with anything that reminds me of her except that dam horse."

Casey's cookie crumbled into her tea. She let the rest of it go. It sunk to the bottom. "You did what you had to to get to this point Zac. But you know, you don't have to choose between living your life and keeping Dena close."

"I should've never asked Ronnie."

"Why not?"

"Because she's going to get the wrong idea."

"No she's not. You told her the horse needs out, that's it. Stop over thinking."

Zac's hand on the table clenched into a fist, water rising in his eyes. "Is it stupid that it's only beginning to feel real now? That's Dena's never coming back?"

Casey clenched her teeth; shook her head. "God no. It makes perfect sense," she said, trying to keep her voice strong.

Zac had been thinking about going home for the past hour, but he didn't want the night to leave and sitting in the comfort of Casey's living room, cosy like it was winter, with her, it felt like it never would. She'd made him another cup of tea and they ate through a tub of Pringles watching random game shows. Casey leapt at the TV yelling the answer before it flashed green. Then she applauded, telling Zac I told you so like he knew the answer in advance.

"What are you doing about work when you're here?" asked Zac. Casey was sitting on the edge of the sofa, hands neat on her lap waiting for the next question to appear along the bottom of the TV.

"I work from home. All I need is my laptop."

"So can you work from anywhere?"

"Yeah. As long as I have my laptop and a plug, I'm good."

Zac fell quiet, as if thinking it over. "Are you going to leave again?"

Casey looked at Zac. His eyes passed her by like a car on the highway, moving onto the TV. The bright colours shading his face. "Staying for good was never part of the plan." The presenter with the crowbar moustache read out the next question. Something about Scully. Casey couldn't concrete on it. She assumed she knew the answer whatever it was. She remembered reading about it, watching the movie. The one with Tom Hanks. She liked him in uniform. "But I'm not going anytime soon."

Zac's lips pulled at their edges, trying to be grateful. "Mum wanted Jacob to go back to college, but I think he's sticking around until the fall."

"Oh really?" quizzed Casey, her voice higher than intended.

"Yeah. His lecturer said he could do the work from home because it's all assignments or something. And there's only a few weeks left of this semester anyway."

"That's good. I'm sure you and Helen would really miss him if he left." Casey moved off the edge of the sofa, sinking back into the cushion. The theme tune came on, the show taking an advert break.

"He probably wouldn't miss us."

"What do you mean?" Casey grabbed the remote that was wedged down the side of the sofa and turned the volume down.

"By us I mean me."

"Whatever is going on with you and Jacob..." Zac clung to Casey, wanting the rest. She sighed, resigning under the pressure. "Don't be worrying about Jacob is all."

"You sound so sure about that."

"Course I am. Jacob would do anything for you. It's silly to think otherwise."

"He has a mystery woman on the go."

Casey's eyebrows lifted. "I'm impressed."

"I don't know who, but he's been sneaking off a lot recently and there's only so many times he can go on dinner dates with Chase." Casey laughed. "Maybe she's the reason he's not rushing back to Austin."

"Maybe," agreed Casey as she positioned herself for the next question upping the volume again on the TV.

When the game show ended, Casey's yawning had a rhythm. Zac said it was time for him to go and she walked him to the backdoor. Casey pulled her thin, strippy sleeves over her hands. The hall was chillier now. She turned the key in the door, opening it for Zac. He stepped into the night, hovering under the porchlight.

"You ok?" asked Casey.

"I need you to know..." Zac ran his tongue along the inside of his upper lip, regrouping. "I really appreciate...all of it."

"You don't need to explain Zac," said Casey.

"That's where you're wrong. I don't think I'd be here if it wasn't for you."

Casey's smile stained with sorrow as she clung to the threads of a steady expression. Recognising her struggle, Zac tipped his hat, freeing her from the need. "Goodnight Casey."

"Night Zac." Casey stayed by the door as he slipped into the pit of the night and when no trace of him could be seen, she lifted her gaze to the sky, searching among the stars for Dena.