Meant To Be

Chapter twenty-nine

"Do you want coffee?" asked Zac.

Jacob was laying on the couch with his phone in front of his face. He was so engrossed in the meaningless content that came and went beneath the flick of his fingertip that he didn't notice Zac standing inside the living room door, waiting on him to do something.

The kettle whistled. Zac went back into the kitchen. The opened coffee jar was sitting on the counter next to two white mugs. He clenched his jaw and walked back towards the living room.

"Jacob."

"What?" said Jacob, his tone irritable now too. He thought of all the jobs he did on the ranch that morning that might have fallen below Zac's pedestal standards.

"Do you want coffee?"

"Coffee?" Jacob's phone lowered.

"Yes Jacob, coffee."

"Is Mum making it?"

"I am. Now do you want some or not?"

Jacob sat up. His face battered with confusion. "Ok. I'll take a cup."

Zac went back into the kitchen giving Jacob space to fluster over what just happened for a while longer. But like Jacob, he too was drifting between times as he poured boiling water into the cups, the coffee granules straining it a deep black. Their senses were flooded with the same Saturday morning sounds. Dena's flirtatious singing. Pancakes sizzling on the pan. Disregarded happiness.

"Here." Jacob took the mug from Zac. He watched him from the corner of his eye, sliding back with mechanical limbs into the sofa beside him. The distant warmth and familiarity of what was collided with the coldness of the present and Jacob thought he might cry. He took a mouthful of coffee to steady himself, praying to God this was the start of the end. He had enough mornings of passing Zac in the hallway and not being seen, conversations that were necessary and not honest. Jacob couldn't remember the last time Zac choose his company, drinking coffee together like he had time to give simply because he wanted to.

"What are you doing today?" asked Zac.

"I'm going to empty the manure pit and do some college work. What about you?" Jacob felt like an idiot reading off a script. So scared to mess up that improvisation didn't even come into it.

"I didn't get to check the Hereford's yesterday so I'm going to do it today." Zac paused. "Ronnie's coming too."

The coffee veered back up Jacob's throat, but he managed to compose himself, releasing a dignified splutter. "Ok," he said, the surprise disabling all other words. He dabbed the dribble on his chin.

"You don't think I'm being..." Zac stretched his neck, looking out into the hallway to make sure Helen wasn't listening in. She loved doing that when they were teenagers. "Fucking stupid?"

"Why would it be stupid? Ronnie's real nice and I'm sure she's glad to be going riding with you. She's bound to be fed up sitting in Mrs Thompson's house by herself." Jacob paused. "But that's not what you wanted to hear is it?"

"Not one word of it."

Jacob shook his head, tutted, his mouth arching. "You shouldn't be forcing yourself to go for the sake of it. It's not fair on Ronnie. And it's not fair on you either."

"If I don't force myself, I won't do it. I'll sit on this ranch and be miserable every day for the rest of my life." Zac glared at Jacob. "Do you still mean it?"

"No, I don't."

Zac got up, coffee spilled, running down the side of his cup. "I am trying Jacob, even though it might not seem like it." Jacob didn't know what to say other than ok because it was, but Zac didn't give him a chance to articulate it.

*

Zac's golden mare was saddled and ready to go. He walked to the top of the barn and stopped outside Hidalgo's stall, glancing down the aisle like Ronnie might suddenly appear. The glare of the sun stretched towards him, falling short of his feet. The day was forecast to be a good one with a brisk breeze that would strengthen up the mountain.

Hidalgo threw his head up and stomped his front feet, sawdust spitting through the air. Zac drew the bolt back in the door. He moved inside. Hidalgo drew back, deeper into the corner, his head low, ears pinned on his neck. His hindquarters thumped against the wall, running out of room. The whites of Hidalgo's eyes pushed his pupils almost out of sight. He climbed onto his hind legs throwing his feet out in front. Zac counted the seconds, reaching seven when Hidalgo thudded back on all fours, snorting, his temper continuing to excel. Hidalgo came at Zac and threw his head into Zac's chest. Zac stood and took it like it was deserving. But slowly, the hate powering each of Hidalgo's headbutts began to soften and ease and he whimpered like a human would weep. Tears seemed certain from his eyes as Zac laid his forehead between Hidalgo's ears, holding his soft cheeks like he had the most precious thing in the world between his hands. "I know boy. I miss her too."