Connor carefully held the piece of folded paper that had been given to him by a nurse clearing Ava's locker. Inside was a small wooden box, attached onto the lid was a note. Written in neat cursive stood: "Do not touch if your not Connor"
His eyes still red from crying, stared dimly at the paper between his fingers. Taking a deep breath, opening it meticulously.
Dear Connor,
If your reading this I am mostly likely gone, wether it is in me leaving or passing. You must be having a lot of questions, which is why I left the box and this letter. To what I think would be your first question, why did I do it?
Connor held his breath, tears spilling out of his eyes yet again. Every cursive letter, written with utmost care reminded him of her. He held the letter, the fading scent of lilacs the letter was basked filling his senses as he wept.
Since I was younger I struggled with depression and anxiety. I tried once when I was 16, yet again at 19 and now. I was overwhelmed and felt hopeless. Being together with you was the first time in many years I was happy. And I would do anything to relive those days again.
He continued reading, his hands trembling. Never knowing about Ava's pain. Silently wishing that he could see the signs, for maybe this would never have happened otherwise.
Second question, did I sleep with your father?
Short answer I didn't. The night I went to ask him for money, he invited me out to dinner. I accepted, to get some extra time to try and convince him. Once there...I regretted it. In the morning you asked me why I had bruises all over my arms, I hope you now know why.
A feeling of pure rage blazed through Connor. A dual-sided vision, the way he intently stood by his father's word, hurting her deeply. His regrets washing over him like making him feel sick. Collecting himself, Connor continued reading, throbbing even more violently with every line.
But did I kill your father? Now hopefully enlightened, one obvious answer lays before hand but. Risking everything just to get revenge? Little extreme wouldn't you say? It was his own dammed fault, he told me to give him a certain tin he had in his bag. So I did, unknowing of what would happen. For say I did blame myself, I gave him that tin. Which happened to contain insulin, and because I held it, the chromium would trace back to me. And I just couldn't.
Connor smiled softly, even during rough times Ava was able to make a remark. It made him feel warm through his tears. But here yet again, his blindsided blame hurt the person he swore to keep safe. His head ached, frustrated with himself.
I don't have much space to write left , any unanswered questions you have hopefully can be answered with the contains of the box. Inside are a few separate notes, a vial of my lilac perfume and my diary. Dating back many years ago, I hope it can give you clarity on what I was never able to tell you myself.
Connor fiddled with the wooden box, hurriedly reaching for its contents. Holding the vial, he took a deep breath, savoring the redolent scent of lilacs. It hurt him, making him miss her even more, the events still fresh in his memory as he trembled. A wave of unexplainable grief and frustration flushed through him. Connor brushed his tears away like Ava would do. Soft, nimble flicks, meticulous but with slight sharpness. He felt sick, though not having finished the letter yet.
I don't believe in heaven, but maybe there is a place somewhere after life. Where you get to see all your lost ones and feel lost happiness. Wherever that is, I will be waiting for you.
With love,
Ava Bekker
"Oh Avey" Connor formulated, a bare whisper filled with raw emotion. Now looking at her diary, flipping through its contents as he quickly read a few pages. His eye fell on one certain page containing a photo. It had been taken at Natalie and Will's engagement party. Ava was propped against him, smiling warmly, whilst Connor was holding her face, his shining eyes shining contently.
Then a peculiar feeling of sadness struck him, one filled with guilt, to think he was so cruel to her. Reflecting on his actions, he had done nothing but hurt her. Listening to everyone except her, it laid even more before hand when thinking about previous relationships. How patient he was with Robin, believing everything she said. His own words used against Ava echoed in his mind.
Tears poured down his face again, but this time not with sadness for her death, instead for his own stupidity. A cold, bitter feeling.
He took a moment, calming himself. Collecting his stuff and making sure to carefully tuck the wooden box in his bag so it would be unnoticeable. Grabbing his phone that laid on the table desk, Connor cleared his notifications till he noticed a message from Dr Latham. Holding his breath as he read it.
Stumbling backwards in shock, his eyes widening. Putting down his phone hastily, Connor felt a shimmer of hope.
A/N
Words: 888
So this chapter is more angsty then I would like but,,, I present you all with a decision do you want:
Part 2 or a "Connor reading Ava's diary" chapter first? The choice is yours:)
