"Time of death 16:22"
Like he could still see the images flashing in-front his eyes. Swift, momentarily visions, fragments of what happened. Connor couldn't quite understand her act, but supposing he would never truly understand her. Even that wasn't the only thing he couldn't ever again do involving her, the sleepless nights where she would tease and so keep him awake, the giggles and smiles they shared in the morning, the comforting words she had when someone lost their battle. All feeling so close but with so much distance still. With time it felt like water dripping down into a glass, at first keeping it together with enough ease it wasn't noticeable before slowly losing it. But what had caused the leak was a mystery to him. Or maybe it more a multiple choice question. The many hateful things he had thrown to her, when she didn't want to move on. To some degree he knew, to some he didn't. Like a gust of wind stirred all his memories up.
"You ruined it all"
He went over it all, the many things, the things which maybe could have saved her, or the things that could tell him before it actually went off. The story spun and hung around her end was a false reality, but perhaps a better one then this. He wanted to remember her as the person before, when they where just colleagues. Just friends. The endless flashes of taunt making it all the harder. If he could have given her up then, in the plan to save her now. Connor would have, without a speck of doubt visible. Cause sometimes being just friends is enough.
And now, now he needed to move on, or maybe away, everything was a mess in his mind. For all that mattered he wanted to get far away. He did once already, but this time it would be with more emotion. The horrid train that was his thoughts leading him back again and again. A never ending dream or was it a nightmare? He started putting questions marks behind everything. Maybe it was a blessing she was gone, after all she did kill his father? What about all those feelings, where those also just delusion? Had he imagined everything they had?
"You really are an ungrateful prick"
She did it out of desperation, after she realized she had over stepped it, after it just went down. He concluded. Already starting to pack his stuff, cleaning out all the memories, made even more come back. And so many framed photos met their demise, smashed against the wall in with bittersweet tears. It didn't get him anything, the shattered glass, damaged pictures and frames. It made him bleed more, and not only literally. His bare hands covered in blood as he mindlessly picked up the glass splinters, the metallic scent only helped make the evocation worse. It was a little poetic so had she always been. Oh heavens forbid he should stop thinking about her.
"We could've been so happy"
Would he though? Would they be? Would any off them be happy with the outcomes? Because how, how could he be happy with her knowing every misstep she made. But with his mind spinning around the thought of her, he didn't find it too insane, he was still just in shock. Connor had never actually seen somehow end it like she did, sure countless of tales but witnessing an actual suicide like that. Ever since it took his mother away he had vowed to do everything he could and prevent another person step out like that. Until today. In some deep twisted dark way the weight lifted when she was pronounced dead made him feel more at rest, even if it was some sort of betrayal. It was a little dark and surely pathetic, but she had caused him so much pain, to some apparent reason she was in pain? Was she ever though, never ceasing to stir more torment for him, how could she ever be suffering if she as able to do just like that. If anything he was the one to suffer. In the darkest depths of his conscience he would maybe think off her as a past lover, nothing much more. It was a little bit silly, they had so much but also nothing at the same time. The frailness of it really showing through when she slowly slipped through the cracks.
It was easier now, to think about it. After moving out that is. Like hitting some sort off reset button in his mind, never having to go back to that place again and never having to think about it again. So as he moved the last things, feeling as he had been able to move onwards but maybe still a few tears left in her memory.
A/N
Words: 810
More angst sorry it will get better soon I promise<3 Here I wanted to portray how Connor felt after Ava's death, you might have noticed how I've also never mentioned her by name. In my mind he refuses to think about her and is in denial</3 This makes me want just one episode where he comes back and reminisce a little:( Hope you enjoyed it though!
