J.A.C.I.E.'s World (All Time Low Fanfiction | Jack Barakat)

Chapter 12

The days after my argument with Jack passed by in a blur of uncertainty and restlessness. Our conversation had patched things up to an extent, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something was still off. We still had our daily calls. We made a point of keeping those up. But gone were the nights that we would talk for two hours, both of us in our respective beds struggling to stay awake. We were lucky if we were able to chat for half an hour. Our entire song was going off-key.

I found myself at the desk in my bedroom again, desperately trying to get some work done. My laptop was open in front of me, illuminating the room with a faint blue glow as its only light source. A document was open, mocking every effort I made. It was a jumbled mess of unfinished songs, half-written lyrics, and notes. The creativity wasn't flowing as smoothly as it used to do.

For the hundredth time that evening, I put my fingers on the midi keyboard in front of me and attempted to play something. Anything. But it was impossible. My thoughts kept circling back to Jack, to us, and this new gaping hole in our relationship. The wounds refused to heal and we still had another month to go.

I slammed my hands against the keyboard and sighed. How was I supposed to do my job if I couldn't focus?

In my frustration, I leaned back into my desk chair and closed my eyes. Immediately, a short strand of hair slipped from behind my ear and onto my face. I tried to blow it away, but only got more pissed off when it fell back into my face. My body literally couldn't take this bullshit anymore.

Earlier that same day, I impulsively went to the hairdresser after I had left the studio. I just felt like I needed to do something. And that something turned into me cutting my long hair to a length that went just past my jawline. It initially felt liberating. The short tousled look I saw in the mirror made me feel like I was a new improved person. But now? Now the fact that I couldn't pull it back annoyed the shit out of me.

What had I been thinking?

I knew I needed to focus on my work and get things done, but my mind was a labyrinth of doubts and insecurities. My body was struggling to figure out if it needed to fight, flee, or freeze. A weird anxiety was constantly clawing at me, my heart racing uncomfortably. I tried many times to take deep breaths, but they always felt shallow and insufficient.

I knew I had to do something to fix this. This was my problem and my fault. Having to last another month like this wasn't going to be good. If we kept this up, we'd never be able to return. I just knew it. Deep inside my bones, I knew that things were going to go horribly wrong if I did not fix them now.

But what could I do?

I was thousands of miles away. Phone calls obviously weren't working out. A gift seemed superficial and the logistics behind getting that to him were not something I wanted to deal with now. Obviously, I could have written him a song. But the inspiration wasn't hitting and I wasn't exactly in the state of mind to write a song that wouldn't sound depressing.

Before I could even really notice what I was doing, I had opened a new tab on my web browser and was searching for flights. I knew where he'd be the next day. I just needed to find out how I could be there as well. The decision was impulsive, driven by anxiety, but it felt like the only way to ease this relentless unease.

Within five minutes, the cursor hovered over the 'book now' button. Usually I'd think things through and plan them meticulously. But this time, I clicked it before I could second guess myself.

A rush of panic and exhilaration rushed through me when I saw the confirmation screen. It was both thrilling and fucking terrifying. A million questions and thoughts ran through my mind. What would he say? What would he do? What would Isay? Would he be happy or annoyed that I came to visit? What if he didn't even want to see me?

Once the email with the ticket arrived, it hit me. I was actually doing this. There was no turning back now. The impulsiveness made the restlessness swell, but a calm also settled over me. Maybe this was exactly what I needed to do.

And then the moment was over and I was left to stare at the screen with unfinished work again. It was already past midnight. I had to leave the house in four hours if I was going to make the flight in time. Was it worth trying to get some sleep?

With a sigh, I pushed myself away from the desk and stood up. My legs felt unsteady and my heart still raced from the decision I had just made. At least laying in bed would be better than staring at that blinking cursor until I had to leave. So, I trudged to the bathroom through the dark hallway to get ready to go to sleep.

The bright fluorescent lights made me squint my eyes. They were an unwelcome addition to my oversensitive self. But then it happened. As I stood there in the bathroom, about to brush my teeth, something hit me – inspiration. I dropped my toothbrush and ran back to my room.