J.A.C.I.E.'s World (All Time Low Fanfiction | Jack Barakat)

Chapter 26

Another late night and another time I was wide awake. The room was dark, Jack's breath rising and falling slowly and methodically beside me. He was facing me, but we were no longer cuddling. We had shifted in our sleep and I was now on my back. Just minutes before, I had been sleeping just as soundly as him. But an idea for a song I had started weeks earlier had slipped its way into my mind.

I contemplated ignoring it, but it kept me awake. It wasn't just a crazed sleep deprived thought. It was actually something that could possibly fix the song. The first time I had worked on it, right before visiting Jack on tour after our fight, I wrote the whole thing in just a few hours. However, there was always something about it that didn't sound right. I'd ignored the song since then.

I looked over at Jack one more time and decided to slip out of bed. Every movement was careful and calculated so I didn't accidentally wake him up in the process. After checking that he was still undisturbed, I tiptoed out of the room and silently clicked the door shut again.

With all the lights off and the apartment so quiet, it still felt incredibly sneaky as I went into the guest bedroom. All of my recording and writing equipment had found a home in there right next to some of Jack's tour paraphernalia and guitars. My laptop was still on the desk, ready to get going again.

I opened it, letting the room fill with the screen's brightness, and sat on the chair. The song's file name was just the date of when I had started it. I felt a strange connection to that night. Back then, I was all alone in my room in the apartment I shared with Hazel. The lights were off, just like now, and the rest of the apartment was silent. The biggest difference was how I felt.

Back then, I could feel my relationship with Jack crumbling apart. I was so lost. I knew things weren't good, but I didn't know what to do. It was like everything was slipping through my fingers. Now, though, I felt like yet another person. Things were so much better. I was happy, but I still had so much I needed to face and fix.

I grabbed one of the electric guitars in the room and put it on my lap, quickly recording the little tune I had in my head before I would forget it. After the idea was somewhere for me to refer back to, I started playing around with the sound and other details. Slowly but surely, I managed to merge the thought that had kept me awake and the song I already had.

It must have been about half an hour before I was able to put the guitar back down and could start editing things together properly. Finishing the song felt like I was closing a chapter; the chapter of my insecurities and fears.

I was so focused on what I was doing on the laptop, that I didn't notice Jack suddenly standing in the doorway.

"Jacie? What are you doing up?" He asked, his voice laced with sleep.

I didn't even glance in his direction as I was trimming a clip and mumbled, "just had an idea for one of my songs..."

"Oh," he nodded, watching me from afar. "Well, you gave me a fright when I woke up to an empty bed."

"I'm sorry." I finally briefly looked at his silhouette before going back to the software. I was so close to being done and I was determined to finish.

"Just let me know next time."

"I will."

He entered the room and took a seat behind me, on the bed. "What are you working on?"

"A song I started a while ago," I clicked a few more things before hitting save. "I think it's finished now."

"Yeah? Can I hear it?"

It was a terrifying question. This song was so incredibly personal. It was probably the most personal thing I had ever written; it was about Jack and the way I felt back then. I had poured all of my pain into it. And to share that with somebody else was a daunting idea. But this was Jack. My husband – the guy who I was supposed to share this all with.

So I softly nodded and unplugged my headphones. I felt so nervous as I pressed play and the song started coming out of the laptop speakers. I kept my gaze on the screen, listening to my own voice and other instrumentals I had written. When the pre-chorus started, it began to feel cathartic playing it outloud.

Jack and I had spoken about the moments surrounding our fight and the build up to when we finally were able to make up, but this was different. Having it out in song form felt like he could see into my heart rather than just hear the words I used to describe it.

I let my eyes slip closed as I listened to my own lyrics. Jack's comment about our marriage during our fight had affected me more than I had ever let on. Although he did say he hadn't meant a word, the doubts were still strong in my mind. Everything inside of me kept feeling like he regretted it all. All I wanted him to do was to tell me everything was okay, to tell me that we had a future. Even if it was all a lie.

The song ended with me saying I wanted him to lie, almost begging for a facade.

The room was so quiet when the instrumentals stopped as well. It was just the two of us in the room, taking a second to take it all in. Slowly, I turned around to see Jack's reaction. He was sitting there on the bed, a few tears sliding down his cheeks. His eyes fell on me, water pooling at the bottom of them.

"Shit, Jacie," he whispered with a shaky voice as he sniffed and rubbed away the tears.

I reached over, cupping his face and gently brushed away the remnants of the tears he had missed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry."

He shook his head. "Don't be sorry. I'm sorry I ever made you feel that way."

"It's not your fault."

"I still said those words, though." He put a hand over mine and pulled it from his face, holding onto it instead.

"Because of what I did."

"Which doesn't make it okay."

I sighed and gave his hand a squeeze. All I wanted to do was tell him that everything was alright. But no matter how often we spoke about it, and how often I told him that I knew he didn't feel that way, his guilt always came creeping back. Then again, I didn't feel great either when I thought about the mistakes I made. It was important to continuously remind myself that we had moved past that.

"I promise you that I love you more than anything in this world," he assured while looking up at me.

I looked deep into his eyes. "I know."

I leaned down and captured his lips with mine. There was a residual flavour of salt, a stark reminder of why this kiss was even happening in the first place. He kissed me back softly and slowly, the last bits of fear being soothed away.

"Thanks for sharing the song with me," he brought my hand up to his lips, placing a separate kiss between my knuckles.

"Of course," I gave a smile back. "I share everything with you."

"Good, because I don't ever want you to doubt us again."

"I never will."

I cautiously shuffled closer until I was close enough to kneel on the bed and straddle him. It felt like our hearts were beating in unison, like this drawn out chapter was finally closing. We shared another tender kiss. His fingers drew circles on my hips as my arms went around his shoulders to pull him closer. We didn't need to lie to each other; we didn't need to fake what we felt.

"We should probably go back to sleep," I mumbled against his lips when the light coming from my laptop turned off.

"Let's just sleep here," he breathed out as one hand slipped up my back to pull me into the kiss again.