Deep Edges | Yuzuru Hanyu

36.

In the days that followed their conversation, Yuzuru gradually took every item he had left in her place and took it to his hotel.

Slowly but surely, every single thing that tied them together was disappearing and that included the connection that they had built during the time he was there.

He didn't spend the night either, even if she never forbade him. There was something about being by her side at night without the confidence of just wrapping his arms around her that he couldn't accept.

When he eventually left, their goodbyes came merely in verbal form, the acknowledgment that nothing was the same clearly engraved in both of their brains. It was in the parking lot of the rink that Yuzuru stared at her with the knowledge that he would be leaving the next morning.

Izumi looked like she wanted to run and ignore it all but eventually thought better of it and acknowledged the older skater.

"I just wanted to say goodbye." he muttered while looking at the ground. Looking into her eyes was just too hurtful for him to do easily.

"Yeah. Take care of yourself, alright?" 

When he heard that, his eyes looked at her face, finding only honesty in them. Izumi didn't hide that she cared and for that, he was grateful. 

Maybe knowing that this wasn't fully one-sided shouldn't help but it still did.

Yuzuru knew he should have kept his distance but the temptation to touch her in any way was way too big to resist.

His hand found itself on her cheek, cleaning the tears that were already falling with all the care and devotion that he felt for the woman.

Sure enough, the future was full of uncertainties, neither of them knowing where it would lead them, but the truth was that whatever they had exchanged in the past weeks wasn't completely gone. 

"I..."

"Don't say anything."

"But..."

"No, Yuzu... You have to go and we know that. Maybe someday, when I'm not competing and you're not being a rockstar we can find our way to one another but I just know that right now, it's far from possible."

The fact that she chose that moment to have the conversation he wanted to have a few days before was a bit crazy but here they were.

He found that he wanted to make it all change. He wanted to give it a chance.

"You're not even willing to try?"

"I have too much to do and care about to be stuck out here thinking of all the ways we can maybe make it work. I have the Olympics in 2 years, Yuzu."

2 years, he thought to himself. It seemed like forever and yet, in a lifetime it was nothing. Yuzuru found himself nodding and wrapping his arms around her, engulfing her figure in a tight hug.

"You better win that medal because if I'm letting you go for it, you really do need to make it worth the effort."

"I will do my best."

"I will be watching and asking your coach about you." he muttered against her hair. The whole thing was a stark contrast to how they had interacted in the previous days as they tried to desperately avoid one another.

"Okay." she said against his shoulder.

"For the record, someday, when our paths cross again, I won't let things happen like they are now."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that leaving you is one of the hardest things I have had to do and even if I know that it's for the best, I can't help but feel like I'm making a big mistake as we pretend like our relationship is casual enough to just drop it like this."

Izumi couldn't help but look at him, finding mirroring tears on his face. She had never seen him this emotional, this vulnerable.

"Yuzu..."

"No, talking about it now will just make matters worse. It was why I was so sad when you just pretended it was nothing and didn't allow the conversation to move on. If I hadn't heard you cry I wouldn't be saying this now, but we both know that talking about it before would've been a good idea."

She didn't bother to look surprised when he confessed that he heard her.

"You don't want to talk about it now?"

"We both know it will only break us more."

With a nod, Izumi tightened her hold on him one last time before pushing him away. Yuzu looked at her with such an expression that she almost wanted to beg him to stay.

She didn't and he couldn't.

"One day." she said reluctantly.

"One day, if you still want me, I will be all yours." 

The confidence in his tone didn't go unnoticed by her. It was easy to question everything right then.

How could he be so confident that his feelings would stay the same? How could he know that when their paths crossed again he wouldn't have found someone else already?

Her brain didn't want to think about it and her heart didn't want to feel it. As painful as it was now, they both knew that there was no turning back. It was just too hard to even consider maintaining a bond with the distance.

Before finally going, he suddenly turned around, surprising her by quickly running to her and placing a kiss on her inviting lips. They were in the middle of the parking lot, where anyone could've seen them but it didn't seem like he cared.

"Yu..." he didn't allow her to finish.

"No more words, Izumi-chan. I just wanted to leave on better terms. I will see you someday."

And just like that, he was gone.