Immaculate

Chapter 12

Alexson handed me a People magazine.

"You too?" I asked.

"Just read the headline," he said.

EMIL TURBIE TWIST'S LITTLE TEAPOT

There was a picture of me, posing with my arms flexed to show off my powerful biceps.

Alexson laughed and turned to the page with the article so we could read it.

"Well everyone, here's the article you've been waiting for! Now, let's see Immaculate's view on this topic.

When asked if he or Emil had a chance, Immaculate answered no. In fact, at one point he and Emil were friends!"

"This article has a terrible logical progression of ideas," I interrupted. "Did Barry write this? Cause if so he should stick to butlering." I continued reading.

"As Emil declared Immaculate hangs out with boring garbage, Immaculate replied, "My boyfriend is Alexson Urmom, son of a billionaire, not garbage." Last time your humble reporter checked, sounds like garbage to me, but whatever!"

"I never said that!" I protested.

"Yeah, you would never say we were dating," Alexson said.

"Well, I don't know about that," I said. "But I would never go around boasting that you're rich. I listed all your other admirable and attractive qualities instead."

"Thank you," Alexson said. "No homo?"

I hesitated.

"You hesitated," Alexson observed.

"No homo," I said.

"Oh, okay," he said, immediately relieved. "Let's continue reading."

"When asked if Immaculate has anything to hold against Emil, Immaculate said:

"Why, yes. I do. Emil hails SATAN in his murder cult attic pool every day."

The young hunk then promptly presented pictures, taken by an anonymous friend."

"I told them who took the pictures," I said. "I just don't think they were listening." We kept reading.

"On further inspection by the police, they found Immaculate's claims to be true.

"I was asked to join, but I refused. I may be sensitive, clever, well-mannered, considerate, passionate, charming, as kind as I'm handsome and heir to a pretty big fortune in leeches, but I would never climb his hair to see him up there."

"I really don't remember saying this," I said.

"Emil will be spending a month in juvenile detention, but other members that were under 18 will not be served alcohol.

So, has Emil met his match? Will he back down? I oughta hope so! He was just sent to kid prison! Anyway, guess we'll find out next week from yours truly, a humble reporter! In the dungeon! Please someone send help!"

With that, Alexson began to roar with laughter.

"Is-is it real? Is he really in jubie?" Alexson asked between laughs.

I nodded gravely. "A month in jubenile detention."

"What a jailbird!" Alexson said.

"He started yesterday," I continued. "I was there when he got arrested on charges of improper upkeep of a historic house. Also stealing a traffic cone. For some reason they had me decide on how long his sentence should be. They gave me robes and a wig and everything. They really weren't listening when I mentioned Santiago, the college student who should've been responsible for allowing this sort of thing to happen, because he didn't get in trouble, but everyone else did."

Alexson laughed harder, and I smiled. His laughter filled me with a bubbly feeling inside.

"Mother was very congratulatory, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not because usually what she approves of is stuff like me dating fifty-year-old women. But she brought me to Big Boy and we watched 'Return of the Revenge of the Night of the Attack of the Jortless Werewolves, Part IV."

"How many parts are in that godforsaken movie?" Alexson asked.

"Five. Now let's skip school and watch the rest to see if Chrissy wins James over, or if they both become werewolves."

"Haven't you already seen these movies? Shouldn't you know?"

"I was creating dramatic suspense."

"No offense, I don't want to watch the rest."

My mom played Chrissy.

"Excuse me, sirs. Immaculate. Alexson," Barry announced with a pronounced knock on the door. "If you would be so kind as to awaken."

We woke up to the bright sunlight doing the cha-cha slide in through the bagel-shaped window downstairs. I was curled around Alexson in a very manly and protective way that showed how strong and dominant I was.

"Barry?" I mumbled. "Can we talk about your drag persona?"

"You must have had a strange dream. You're talking nonsense. Now, both of you get dressed. We must visit the designer's house for the Masked Singer costume."

"Honestly, now that Emil's in juvenile detention for a month, I don't think it matters," I said. "Once he gets out, it will be too late for him to be on the show. And I don't really want to do it on my own."

"Well, too bad," Barry said. "I worked too hard on that sexy Kool-Aid man costume for you to back out. Now go get dressed."

I had no choice but to do as he said.

"Okay, now...turn!" the designer who was definitely Barry in drag exclaimed.

We were at his studio, and he was pinning the costume where it needed to be altered, hemmed, or generally sexified.

I gasped once I turned around. I could hardly recognize myself, or the Kool Aid man, for that matter. He had little ice cube abs and his tiny shirt was off the shoulder. The bottoms were just a little too short.

"Wow, Barry," Allie said softly. "You've really outdone yourself this time. Throw it away at once."

"Nonsense!" Barry declared. "This costume will be my magnum opus. You can pick it up first thing tomorrow, hon. Stop by any time."

"It's literally you, Barry," I said. "Stop gaslighting me. Allie said your name."

"That doesn't look like Barry," Alexson said.

"It's not," Barry said. "Now you should be on your merry way."

"Thank you!" Allie called as he hauled me away before I could make any more accusations.