Immaculate

Chapter 16

"So, Immaculate? Is it okay if you stay over at Alexson's house for the night? I have a VERY important mental breakdown scheduled, and you can't come," Mother announced during dinner.

"Okay. I'll call him." I hadn't told Mother about our new relationship because I knew she would object to it. About a year ago, an incident had occurred where I said that maybe I didn't want to marry any of the women she suggested because I didn't like women, and she'd sent me and Barry away to a Man Cave in the woods for the whole summer to think about what I'd done.

"You're dismissed," she said.

I hopped upstairs to call Alexson. Lately, Mother had become even more distant, and Barry was too busy to stop by. I didn't really know what else he was up to, because his whole job was being our butler, but whatever.

"Let's see...03-74-17-84-91...why does Alexson have a French phone number?" I wondered as I hit call.

"Hello, you've reached the Urmom household. Please leave your message and we'll talk to you soon! Thanks."

"Alexson, why do you always do that whenever you answer the phone?" I asked.

"BEEP!"
I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Hi, Alexson, it's me..."

"Oh, hi Immaculate! What's wrong?" Alexson asked as if he hadn't just beeped at me.

"My Mother wants me out of the house, and to be honest, I want out of the house too," I said. "She's having another crisis and I think she's going to dye her hair, spend a lot of time on Temu, and download a new dating app."

"Oh, okay! Yeah, you can come over. You're always welcome in my house, you know," Alexson said. "Too bad we'll have to share a bed."

"You sly devil."

"Now, about the Motoshondu," Alexson said.

I hung up on him.

"Mo-om! He said I can come over!" I called downstairs to her.

"Good! Now pack your bags! It's DINNER TIME!"

Dinner? We just had dinner. Plus, telling me to pack my bags made it sound like she was kicking me out permanently.

"IMMACULATE! NOW!!" Mother screamed.

Taking the 0-60 switch as a sign that she was totally losing it, I threw a random shirt into my backpack. I tried zipping it up, but the zipper broke off in my hands, and then the entire backpack unraveled into a pool of loose thread. Sighing, I grabbed my bindle and shoved the shirt inside, then ran downstairs.

Mother was mincing carrots and had a loaf of bread on the cooling rack.

"Uh, Mother?" I asked. "Why are you cooking?" I asked. "Are you feeling okay?" I asked. "Maybe you should sit down," I asked.

Mother looked up and glared at me. "Barry quit over text, and now I have to find another butler when I'd much rather be eating copious amounts of ice cream. Now—recreate le soup."

I chopped mystery meat—deer, maybe?---into cubes and sprinkled in some random crumbs I found lying on the floor. Then I filled the pot with tap water. I then made fifty billion cookies at one time using our wall of seventy industrial ovens and made a pie and a loaf of bread. It took me twelve hours.

By this time it was the next day and I was pretty sure Alexson was worried about me and Mother's allotted mental breakdown time was over. But apparently I had counted the hours incorrectly, or everyone was okay with waiting for me, because it was still dark out and nothing appeared to have significantly changed since I'd started my ill-advised cookie adventure.

"Is that enough for you?" I asked Mother when she came into the kitchen. "Want a veggie tray and a fruit platter, too? Or are fifty billion cookies enough?"

"I already made a veggie tray and fruit platter," Mother said. "Now go to Alexson's house. Now. I'm missing an episode of Real Housewives to grab these cookies."

Sheesh. Didn't even appreciate that I had iced them all by hand.

"Alexson! I'm here!" I called as I entered his house.

Alexson ran down the staircase and swept me off my feet in a flying hug, then dipped me in a passionate kiss. Then he thanked the housekeeper who had opened the door and was now staring at us with wide eyes.

"Immaculate, my darling! Oh, I thought you'd never come!" Alexson wept.

"Yeah, sorry. Bit of a holdup. Fifty billion cookies," I said.

"Was it your mom again?" Alexson asked.

I sighed and nodded. "She took my bindle."

Ever since Dad divorced Mother and married his four bandmates, she had been acting really weird. And I don't mean in a depressed or anxious way. I mean she had started collecting those McDonalds Garfield mugs that had lead paint and was sending in letters to newspapers encouraging people to reconsider the ingenuity of Disney Channel original movies.

In Alexson's room, we were playing a romantic game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. "I'm gonna get all your balls in my mouth," I said seductively.

"What?"

"What?"

"What did you say?"

"No homo."

"Are you sure about that?"

We were about to aggressively make out when his mom called up to us "Visitor, Alexson!"

We both looked at each other, confused.

I gripped his hand as we both looked at the door. "This may be the last time we see each other," I said.

"Not this again," he said.

"We don't know what lies beyond that door," I continued. "But in this face of uncertainty, in this face of the very depths of fear's dark maw, we must leap with unwavering courage above the chasm that threatens to consume us as we strive for greatness in this world. This is beyond us. This is for the city. For our country. FOR OUR HOME!"

Then we charged down the stairs and thanked the housekeeper who had opened the door.

"Young sirs," Barry said, bowing politely to us.

"BARRY!" we exclaimed and gave him a hug.