Immaculate

Chapter 15

So, you say it ain't so? Your love is a heartbreaker? Obviously, though, you have a history with Emil."

The officer was interviewing me. Since I was a 'celebrity,' or at least appeared in those J-14 magazines sometimes, depending on what I said Emil would either be imprisoned (again) or just in huge trouble. Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention I sort of live in what you could call a YA dystopia.

"Bro, Emil literally didn't do anything," I said. "I don't think that traffic cone removal five years ago was malicious. Also that guy just was in prison for one month already. I think he learned his lesson."

"Okay. So we will only press charges against Thomathy?" the officer asked, confused.

"What? No! Why are you so intent on imprisoning my classmates?" I exclaimed. "They didn't do anything! Do you even know what happened?"

"It makes for better TV," the officer explained.

"Well, neither of them did any harm," I said. This was true. Obviously.

"Okay, we'll press charges against both." The officer stood up to leave. "Farewell, Immaculate. This is not the last you have seen of...the police. Every move you make, every step you take, I'll be watching you." And then he left.

"That's not what I said to do!" I yelled.

When I went back to school, I was surprised.

Girls were talking to Alexson.

"Oh, Alex! Where did you get your cool and trendy shoes?" Mildred asked.

"Oh, you know. Just do it," Alexson replied.

"So, do you go urban exploring through the sewers often? Obviously you must because you were able to navigate them so well to save Immaculate. You're so tall and strong and handsome," Clara Barton added.

I stopped dead in my tracks.

"Well, we all know who's never been in a sewer before a week ago," Laikaylynn said, giggling.

"And to whom art thou referring, pray tell?" Alexson asked.

"Immaculate!" the three girls replied laughing.

Alexson turned bright red in his fury, turned around, and said, "Immaculate showed me the sewer system in the first place! He's the best! He's smart and handsome and caring and strong and brave! He just got attacked by sewer alligators! Geez!"

The trio stopped laughing.

"Oh," Clara Barton said quietly.

"That's kind of gay," Mildred muttered.

"Umm, guys?" Laikaylynn said.

"What?" the others demanded.

Laikaylynn inclined her head towards me, and the twins gasped in pure horror. Probably because I had a huge cast around my torso, a prosthetic leg, and my face was still bloodied. To nobody's surprise, the hospital did not do a good job of healing me, because they insisted on using tools from the Civil War era, because that was the proper manly way to do it.

"AIEEE!" the girls cried in unison. Then they ran away.

"What was that about?" I demanded.

"I can't believe they insulted you like that," Alexson said, obviously upset.

"They were flirting with you!" I said. "Who do they think they are? I won't allow this! You're MY man!"

"I would never go out with any of them, you're the love of my life," Alexson said. "No homo?"

"Yes homo!" I exclaimed. "Kiss me with your hot mouth, baby!"

We embraced.

"So, class, this unit we will be studying the Irish Declaration of Independence," Mr. Bazooka, my history teacher, announced.

"Isn't this American History?" someone asked.

"I ran out of content to fill the year with so we're doing something a little different," he said.

Josh whispered something to Maybelline, who giggled.

Mr. Bazooka rocketed to his feet, tore off one of his gloves, and threw it to the ground at their feet. "Do you two dare to fight me in a duel?" he challenged.

"Um, no thanks," Josh said. "I just got my hair done."

Everyone laughed, including Mr. Bazooka. "Okay, you two. Next time, though, you find out why they call me Mr. Bazooka."

Josh gulped.

"Alrighty, then! So, who knows who wrote the Irish Declaration of Independence?"

Nobody raised their hand.

"Barrel roll, somersault, boogie-woogie little jig! There we go, that's the spirit!" I yelled at cheer practice.

We were working on our most difficult cheer. The cheer itself wasn't hard, we were just really bad. All the formation was was a cartwheel, shaking pom-poms, and spinning in a circle. To make it interesting at all to watch, I have to catapult myself to the ceiling of the gym and spin around on the rings hanging from the support beams. Only a thirty foot jump! (But I'll have our seven-foot-tall buff cheerleader Stacy who also plays on the football team to help me up.)

"Okay girls! From the top!" I called out.

Three hops and a few sashays later, we started our real performance, singing the fight song. "This is my fight song! Take back my life song!" we shouted. Then, as we reached the end, I yelled, "Defensive formation!"

Very quickly, the cheerleaders nicknamed Red One, Blue One, and Green One assumed power stances in a triangle. Those are the random seventh graders who were really eager to join us so we couldn't say no. Then, the rest of the Red, Blue and Green squadrons fill in the spaces behind them, forming an echelon. Taking a deep breath, I ran (dies irae), which is no easy feat with broken ribs and a fake leg. Stacy swooped me up in her arms and threw me into the air, where I grabbed the rings and flipped around.

Our fight song done, we then yelled, "COUGARS, COUGARS! YOU SHOULD GO AWAY! I MAY BE TASTY BUT I'M UNDERAGE! GO AWAY...COUGARS!"

At the last part, I spun down a pole conveniently located in the middle of the gym and the echelon disbanded. Then we formed a line with the younger kids who had been sitting on the sidelines earlier and started to shake our pom-poms.

"Get ready, girls!" I shouted.

Then we chanted "Give me a J!"

"J!" screamed a random kid on the bleachers.

"Give me an I!"

"I!"

"Give me a T!"

"T!"

"Give me an R!"

"R!"

"Give me an O!"

"No!"

"Give me a P!"

"P!"

"What does that spell?"

"I actually have no idea!"

"WOOO!"

After we cheered incoherently, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson dressed up as our mascot Dipsy the Teletubby came running into the gym. We went feral with our pom-poms.

"Okay, girls! Great practice. See you next week!" I called, but everyone had already left. I was left standing alone in the dark gym, with only myself to ponder the desolate field our once happy feet had skipped along.