Wasteland // Kim Seungmin

42 - Not Sure How I Feel About That...

Paila POV

Sky shook his head, "There is no point for me returning without her," he stated simply.

It was the closest thing to a confession he had ever said. I stared at him, not sure what to make of it.

Finally, he looked over at me, his eyes soft, watering slightly as he bared his soul. "I won't have peace or anything if she isn't with me. I am returning with her as my partner, or I am not returning at all."

He turned back to Felix, and gestured at the bloody knife, which he still gripped tightly in his hand. "If you do this, if you take her from me, I will kill you, and whatever consequences there are, I'll take them. But I am not leaving here without her."

The room was very quiet, with only the sound of our occasional breaths breaking the silence. Felix looked down at the knife, then over at me. His own eyes were red. "Paila. I want you forever. I always have. But I can't give you a life outside of the wasteland. And I shouldn't damn you to this life just because I can't let you go."

With that, he dropped the knife to his side, and Sky swung a foot out to kick it away from him. Felix didn't even seem to notice, as in the same moment his face crumpled into a sob. I crawled over to him, throwing my arms around him.

"I am sorry." He said over and over hugging me back, "Sorry I left you so soon." His voice sounded so small, like a child's, and my heart broke again.

"I am sorry I can't take you with me. I am sorry I couldn't protect you." I cried into his chest, desperately clinging to him, knowing it would really be the last time. "When I get out of here," I said, reaching up and smoothing the short hair on his head, "I will do anything I can to help you. I don't know what I'll do, but I'll try everything." Even as I said it, my mind was blank. There were no advocates for leaders in the real world, no one does anything to help them. We just consider them lost to the wasteland, but my Felix is not lost. He's just broken, but he can be fixed. "I promise." I said, kissing his forehead. "I will do something."

We stayed like that another few minutes, just holding each other. The whole time, Sky stood by the door, waiting for me. When we had finally cried ourselves out, we both slowly stood up. I held his hand as he walked me toward the door, and toward Sky. Sky had his backpack on, having retrieved it from the wall he slept against outside. He took my hand once Felix let go. I hugged Felix one last time, promising again, "I will do something."

Felix gave me a small smile that didn't touch his eyes. Then, he looked at Sky. They both nodded at each other, but no words were exchanged. And then, we left. We walked in the twilight toward the direction of the closest settlement, not another word exchanged between us.

As we walked, Sky held my hand tightly. I shivered as the air started to cool off in the approaching night time, and Sky dropped my hand to take the backpack off, unzip it, and produce one of his hoodies. He handed it to me wordlessly, and I slid it over my head. "Thanks," I croaked - my voice heavy with exhaustion.

He took my hand again, still holding it tightly in his, and quickened his pace. It was very dark by the time we reached the settlement. It was small, and there was obviously nowhere to stay, so we had no choice but to sleep on the ground outside of the haven.

"I promise, it's going to be okay. You sleep, don't worry." It was the first time he had spoken directly to me since before Felix freaked out, dragging us apart. I couldn't speak, I just nodded. He sat against the haven, right beside the front door, creating a circle with his legs which he patted for me to occupy. I curled up and he wrapped his arms around me, pulling the hood up over my head. I didn't think I'd be able to sleep, but then Sky began humming lowly in my ear. It was a soft, unfamiliar tune, but it was undoubtedly a lullaby. I listened to his humming, and counted the heart beats reverberating on his chest, until I was finally able to sleep.

I knew Sky was awake all night, so after a few hours, I woke up and told him to sleep, that I would keep watch. He protested for a moment, but I think he realized his own exhaustion for the rest of the journey home would be dangerous, so he eventually relented. I was nervous, but this was a small settlement, and no one came to bother us. The only people I saw also slumped against the wall of the haven, trying to catch a few hours of peaceful sleep themselves.

When the sun was up, we continued walking, and talking a little bit. Mostly, we talked about my promise to Felix. He agreed that he never really heard of someone fighting for leader rights, but it was due to the misconception that people effectively "die" and lose themselves when they become one. Felix was a clear example of someone who was still himself, but lost and depressed. Sky agreed it would be worthwhile to see if there are advocacy groups out there, or to try starting one up when we return.

Other than that, we didn't say much, even though there was so much else to say. I think we both wanted to wait until we had some kind of privacy to lay it all out. Finally, the next night, we had a stroke of luck. There was a slightly larger settlement we hit in the late afternoon, which had a large enough building that we thought might have rooms to rent. It cost a lot more than I would have liked, but if we stayed here, got a good night's sleep and left early enough, Sky said we might be able to make it back to the compound by the following night.

The room was shabbier than where we stayed both times at the market, but it was private, with only one rickety bed. There was one communal bathroom behind the building, and I waited in the room while Sky used it. It was early evening, and we'd eaten dinner, and saved enough scraps to feed us for the journey tomorrow so there would be no need to stop. I was sitting on the bed, staring up at a water mark on the ceiling when Sky came in. His hair was wet from taking a shower, and he looked more content than he had in days.

He had washed his only other set of clothes with him in the shower, and he pulled out dresser drawers to hang them on the sides. When he opened the second drawer, something caught his eye, and he reached into the far back corner. He pulled out a small silver chain, and inspected it. Then, he turned back to me and tossed it to me. "Here."

I caught it and held it up. I was a small silver necklace, short enough in length that it would probably fit like a choker. It had a small charm on the end, that almost resembled a star, or maybe a snowflake. I smiled at him. "Pretty, but we shouldn't just steal."

He shook his head "I bet someone left it and forgot all about it. It's yours."

I shrugged, tossing it over into the backpack. I wouldn't be able to sleep with it anyway. Once he finished laying out his clothes, he joined me on the bed. I drew my legs up and hugged them to my chest.

"Well." I started, "I saw Felix." I smiled sheepishly, hoping to break the tension.

It worked, because Sky rolled his eyes and snorted, "Yeah, same."

We laughed lightly, but it was silent again. I didn't know where to begin, there was so much to say.

"Can we start by getting something out of the way?" He asked, like he read my mind.

I nodded.

"Okay, because I want to talk to you about my past. What I did. Then, we can close that door and try to leave it behind us. If that's okay?"

I shivered, having already decided this was the part I wanted to talk about the least, while knowing we would have to eventually. "Okay, You talk. I will listen" I said finally.