Wasteland // Kim Seungmin

38 - ...And It Feels So Mid

I only realized he was hugging me and not strangling me when I felt him sob. He nestled his head into the crook of my neck, and I heard a small whimper come from him, breaking my heart. I wrapped my arms around him, shushing him, feeling my own tears run down my cheeks.

After a minute, he pulled away, looking into my eyes. "Is it really you?"

I nodded, smiling softly at him, trying to hide how disturbed I am by his new appearance. I place my hand on his head and rubbed his short hair. "It's me. I am sorry it took me so long to come. I thought you were dead."

He shook his head. "Not yet." He said shortly, and before I could question what he meant, he pulled me further into the room, through a door, up a staircase, and into a small living quarters with two stark white beds. He sat me down on the closer one, and while it was stiff as a board, it was more comfortable than anything I'd slept on in days. It made me want to just lay down and go to sleep, but I resisted. Who knew how long we'd have?

"Tell me everything. From the depot to now." He said, gripping my hand, which he had not released since bringing me into the room.

I droned on, telling him most of the story. I avoided talking too much about Seungmin, but by the time I got to the part about fleeing in the night and finding Han, he stopped me. "Why did you leave? Was this Seungmin guy mistreating you?"

I stared at him. "Felix, this is the guy who split your head open with a bat."

"Well, yeah. But it sounds like after that he gave you clothes, money to buy food, a place to sleep, friends. But you didn't really talk about how he treated you otherwise. Was he nice?"

I snorted at his word choice. "Nice? Have you not noticed there is no such thing here?"

Felix did not laugh, he just stared at me, waiting for an answer.

"He...he was nice enough..." I started. "You're right that he gave me all those things, but he is not a good person. I found out more about him that made it clear I couldn't stay."

Felix continued staring, so I felt like I needed to explain.

"Seungmin used to work for this really bad dude, JYP. Ever heard the name?"

Felix didn't react for a moment, then he slowly shook his head.

"Well," I continued, "It turns out he was a hit-man for this JYP, which I guessed as much. But what I learned is he used to be..." I struggled for a way to describe it, "...basically the worst kind of killer because he didn't just kill his targets. His job was to partner with them. Like, fully partner. Get close to them, wait until he gained their trust, and then kill them. Brutally. These hits were only ordered by the super-rich, and usually were passion killing, or revenge killing, not just someone they needed out of the way. Seungmin made a fortune off these kind because he was the only guy who operated that way. He didn't kill targets. He killed partners, exclusively."

Felix pursed his lips, "That's pretty brutal."

"And if that's not bad enough," I went on, "He wasn't just killing these people. He had to do all sorts of things to them. The guy who told me all this shared some of his more famous kills. He had to flay someone and drape her skin on her own roof. He had to feed another girl her own severed fingers and bring the stomach full of fingers back to JYP to get paid." I shuddered, picturing these things for the millionth time since the night Changbin told me all of it. My voice broke, "And he did it for years." I put my hands on my head, squeezing my temples to force the images out of my head. The long list of names on his back, all those murdered girls. I could feel the ghost of those hands, that had carried out those horrible acts, touching me.

"Does it make you want to die?" Felix asked quietly. He was staring at our intertwined fingers. It was as if he read my thoughts, but he couldn't have.

His voice had an odd quality now, and I wasn't sure how to respond. "It made me decide it was time to leave and find you. So that's what I did."

"You found me, now what?" He asked, those black eyes staring back at me.

I shifted in my seat, trying to pull my fingers back, as his grip had tightened a little too much to be comfortable.

"I don't know, I didn't think that far."

We sat in silence for a few more minutes, and it started to feel uncomfortable, so I broke it, "What's it like? Being a leader?"

His eyes snapped back up to look at me, and he looked like I had broken him out of a trance. "What?" He asked.

"Being a leader?" I repeated. "How is it?"

"Are you hungry?" He asked suddenly. "You must be. I don't have much, just my own rations, but we can share. And then maybe you should get some sleep. You look tired. You can take a bath too, there's a bathroom here." He stood up fast, like he was in a hurry. "Bathroom is through there," he said gesturing at a door on the other side of the room. "Run a bath, I'll make sure no one bothers you. I will get you some food. Here, give me your clothes, I'll wash them while you're in there."

He spoke so fast it too me a minute to even process what he said. Once I did, I said, "Oh, yeah. Can I just get a towel?"

"Just undress. I have seen you naked before."

I paused. "I mean for the bath." I clarified.

"In the bathroom." He said, "But c'mon just give me the clothes."

He was right of course, he'd seen me naked plenty of times, but something felt weird about it now. He'd only seen me naked when we were having sex, or about to have sex, it felt weird to just strip in front of him when he could just leave the room, or turn around. Without another word, I turned and retreated to the bathroom, quickly undressing, snatching a folded towel from on top of the toilet, and tossing my soiled clothes out onto the floor of the main room. I couldn't really explain my behavior any more than I could explain his, and I prayed for him to just take the clothes and leave. Again, I couldn't explain why.

The bath was warm and there was a large bar of soap on the corner that I rubbed all over my body, trying to loosen the grime that seemed tattooed to my skin, and to create a lot of bubbles to obscure my naked body in the water in case someone came in. I told myself it was just if the big bald guy came in, but deep down I knew that extended to Felix. He was a little different, not just in appearance, but it was difficult to articulate how he was different. There was just something off, something unnerving to me.

Maybe we just needed time to get comfortable around each other again.

After a few minutes, he brought food into the bathroom, and sat on the toilet while I ate it. He must have sensed that I didn't especially want to be naked in front of him, because once I finished eating, he took the plate, and left a t-shirt and shorts for me to change into. After I dried off and dressed, he was waiting for me on the bed. He laid down, pulling up the corner of the covers as a signal for me to get in too.

"It's okay that I sleep here."

"For tonight, don't worry about it. We'll figure something out for after tonight. Big guy agreed to let you stay one night."

I noticed he never once used his name, "What's his name?"

"Hm?"

"Big guy, he has a name, right?" He lives with him, presumably spends his whole day with him. He has to call him something.

Felix didn't answer for a while, and I thought he must have fallen asleep. I was about to nod off myself, my head on his bony chest, when I heard him whisper. "No, he doesn't."