Wasteland // Kim Seungmin

15 - Me The Drama Queen

We walked in silence back to the house. As soon as we got inside, Sky went into the bedroom. I cleaned off the table, closing up my meal plan and returning the stub of pencil to the drawer. I walked into the bedroom to find Sky laying on the bed in the dark. I changed into my pajamas, and said, "So Jeongin's back."

"Yeah."

"I heard what happened with Lydia."

"I figured you were listening."

I sat down on the bed, and Sky reached up to pull me down to lay next to him, but I resisted, staying upright. I pressed, "I feel horrible for him; he must be so upset."

He let out a sigh, "It's like I told you before Paila: you get over it. He'll find a new partner, be good as new."

My curiosity was eating at me, and I couldn't stop from opening up a can of worms, "Yeah, new partner. He thought it was going to be that Sam."

Sky didn't say anything. I waited, then he finally said, "He'll have no trouble finding someone."

"He was going to ask your permission to pair with her." I stated.

"Permission?" Sky stared at me, smiling faintly. "He was just asking if I minded."

"He didn't ask anyone else. He said, 'I know you like her.' You would have me believe that Sam was no more bound to you than she was to anyone in this camp, but everything I have heard from everybody else says different. She was closest with you." I accused.

Sky sighed again, and I felt his hand that had been touching my waist fall away for him to rub his face with it. "Yeah, I guess so." He muttered. I waited for him to elaborate. Sky reached up, trying to pull me down next to him again, "Can we go to sleep?"

I pulled away impatiently. "Sky, this matters to me please. Just tell me what the deal with her was!" I finally asked outright, after days of trying to be cool and act like it wasn't eating me alive. I needed to know more about their relationship. It felt like I needed to understand what happened with Sam to know what kind of person he was. Jeongin's words only made it clearer that I needed to hear everything.

Sky sat up abruptly, "Are you serious? What, are you jealous of someone I was fucking before we even met?"

He said the words carelessly, and I don't think he meant it as harsh as it came out, but it still stung. I was determined not to let it show, so I scoffed, "What is there to be jealous of, I just don't get why you won't tell me anything? If it's no big deal, why are you hiding it?"

He stuck his chin out defiantly, "You wanna do this? Fine. I'm not hiding anything. Ask away, please."

I wasn't sure what I wanted to ask, because frankly, what did I expect to hear that wasn't going to hurt my feelings? Or the way I felt about him? "Why didn't you tell me about her before we came here?"

"And say what?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe just give me a heads up that you had a fuck-buddy that slept on your floor?"

He shrugged. "Before we came here, I didn't know what was going to happen with you, or her, or anything."

"So your plan was to keep fucking her even though you were paired with me? If she didn't dump you, that is?"

Sky laughed aloud at, and the sound flared my anger. "Dump me?" He said incredulously, like he had never heard something so absurd. "We weren't together! And in case you forgot, pretty girl, you and I weren't either. And being partnered doesn't mean we're going to get together. Maybe you have it in your head that everyone who pairs up is automatically like boyfriend and girlfriend, but it's not like that. Grow up."

If I was being perfectly honest with myself, maybe I did think that before, when I first met Sky. The trip to the market was a wakeup call. I am realizing it is part of the mis-education about the wasteland, partnering is so romanticized.

But I wasn't about to admit he was right, so I shot back, "I know it doesn't mean that. But partners should still be honest with each other!"

"If I told you I had a girl here who picked up after me and that I was occasionally sleeping with, what – and answer honestly – would you have thought about that?"

My words were becoming venomous, as they often did when I was feeling this angry and insecure. "I don't know. I just know I was fucking blind-sided when I came here and this girl was ready to bite my head off. You must have thought you were really going to have it made, with a totally clueless new girl, and your trusty old Sam, both pining after you!"

He laughed bitterly at that, "Oh give me a break, Paila. When did you ever, even a little bit, pine after me?" Sky shouted. At this point, we were both perched on our knees at opposite ends of the bed. "You didn't say or do a thing to make me think you even liked me, you were so hung up on your dead partner."

He must have realized how insensitive the last part sounded, because he tried to add, "which is understandable-"

But I didn't give him a chance to fix it.

I stood up, unable to breathe in the suddenly stifling little room, and shrilled, "Because I didn't fucking like you! You had just killed my partner hours before you made me pair with you! Did you think I would swoon for that? Fall in love with you while his blood was still wet on your clothes?"

Sky looked bewildered by the turn this conversation had taken. "What are we even fighting about?" he growled, also getting off the bed, his voice slightly quieter than before.

I didn't know how to answer him, because frankly, he was right. We were a little derailed. To get back on track, I regrouped, "Tell me about Sam! Right now! Everything!"

He groaned. "You still don't get it. There is nothing to tell! I didn't care about her! Meredith just wanted my date. Other than that, she didn't want anything to do with me. Sam did. So we slept together. And that's why even when I paired with you, I didn't plan to send her away because if she still wanted me, and you still didn't want me, I was going to keep on fucking her because why the fuck wouldn't I?"

It was another dull sting as I realized how out of touch with regular human emotion this man was. The way he laid it out - he really didn't think this anyone was going to get hurt by what he did?

My voice was much calmer when I responded, simply because I was trying so hard to understand how his mind worked. "You act like everyone is on the same page about this except for me, but the more time I spend here, the more I realize you are the one who has it all fucked up in his head. Because in case you didn't notice, Sky, it broke that girl's heart when you brought me back here. She stayed around here all that time not waiting for 'just anyone' to be without a partner, she was waiting for you! And she stayed here, sleeping on the fucking floor, doing whatever you asked her to do because she cared about you and wanted to be with you, not just because she wanted to partner with you! What you did was completely shitty, and I don't think you realize that at all."

For the first time since I met him, it looked like Sky was rattled. His face was turning red, and his eyes were fiercely glaring into mine. His voice shook slightly as he spoke. "You think you have me all figured out? You've known me a whopping 8 fucking days and you know all about me and what I mean to people and what people mean to me?"

"I know human emotion, Sky. I'm just calling it like I see it."

"I'm going to take a watch." He grumbled, and bent over to snatch his jeans off the ground. He pulled them on roughly before storming out of the house, slamming the front door. I paced the room fuming for a few more minutes, and then sat down on the bed, replaying the awful things we said.

I didn't know what I hoped to gain from asking about Sam, but it only made me more weary of being with Sky.

But he's my partner; I have no choice but to learn to live with his character flaws. There is no breaking up, and there is still only one way out of this pairing.