Wasteland // Kim Seungmin

43 - Truth Will Out

We each sat on opposite sides of the bed, not touching, facing each other. Sky stared down at his own fingers, which he twisted together in his lap. He was clenching and unclenching them so hard that his knuckles turned white, then bright red as he relaxed them.

I wished for a way to take the pressure off, to help him feel less stressed about the past he was about to share, but I couldn't bring myself to speak. I stared at his face, trying to maintain an even expression. Luckily, I was holding that expression when he finally looked up at me. Sky inhaled then exhaled slowly, fighting to keep eye contact with me. "I was given that job as soon as I started working for JYP. He told me I had the appeal like - like someone's first love. I looked innocent, polite, and it made targets less likely to suspect what my real purpose was when they met me. It sounded like a shady job, not something I ever expected to be doing when I started working for him, the way he described it, I knew it was worse than just killing. This was manipulating. But when I tried to decline; he very calmly explained that I had two choices. Do the job, or be a leader."

I nodded. Changbin had mentioned that, that once JYP decided he wanted you to work for him, there was no way out.

"The first job wasn't too horrible. The girl had done some awful things to her own friends and her own partners, and it was well documented. I didn't even have to get close to her; we were partnered for less than a day. When it was time to finish the job, I did it quickly while she was asleep, before she even knew what was happening. That was technically not the way it was supposed to go, but as long as I said I murdered her the brutal way the customer ordered, I knew I would get the payout. JYP checking my work and asking to see proof of the kills did not happen until much later."

My stomach started to churn, thinking of the "proof." Gruesome images flooded my mind, and I struggled to focus on Sky's voice.

But he went on, ignoring the look of disgust I am sure I had on my face, "And it was so much more money than a regular contract killer like Changbin gets. The decision to keep going was so easy in the beginning. Then, well, it got harder. I was pairing longer. Sometimes, the people I was hired to kill weren't really that bad. And more and more, JYP demanded proof that I carried out the killings in the way people ordered them. I still killed everyone quickly, usually in their sleep, and usually by suffocating them with a pillow, but..." He paused a moment, closing his eyes tightly and shaking his head, forcing himself to go on. "...I started having to do things to their bodies after they were dead, to make it look like I killed them the right way. To be able to do it, I had to stop thinking of them as people; I had to pretend they were animals I was gutting for food, or trees I had to chop up. That was when I really lost who I was. I became a machine."

My skin felt cold, picturing it. I could see it, I could see this version of Sky, because it reminded me of the Sky from the day we met. The one who straddled me with his hands on my throat, squeezing the life out of me with that faraway look in his eye. He learned to dissociate. He'd had plenty of practice.

He paused again, breathing shakily, and staring down into his own lap, unable to look into my eyes anymore. "Eventually, the fake personality I used to trick my targets into partnering, and falling for me, was the only personality I had left. Changbin was the one who sat me down one day and told me he was worried about me. It was the first time in over a year anyone tried to crack through the persona I created, and a bit of the person I was when I first came to the wasteland started to show through."

He looked back up at me, his eyes a little bloodshot. "It was like an intervention. So he and I went together to beg JYP to switch my job, let me do anything else. But we knew there was no chance it would work. When it comes to JYP, nobody gets a choice. JYP had a deal with leaders, turned over anyone who defied him, and then you're a goner doomed to a life in the wasteland. And he had eyes everywhere, you couldn't run, they'd always bring you back. But it didn't matter. I decided I'd rather be turned leader, or murdered by JYP himself, than go on. I took a job that was far away from our base, went there, sent the report that I made it, would make the kill within 2 weeks, and just - disappeared. I never met the target, I just bolted. I chose a new name, lived outside for a month while I walked as far as I could, putting as much distance between myself and anyone from my life with JYP, or any of my victims, as I could. It took a long time to get far enough that I felt I was safe. Eventually, I made it to the region our compound is in, and stayed in a settlement near the market."

Sky had started to relax, now that we had made it through the worst part and I was still sitting here, still listening. I relaxed to, and spoke for the first time since he began telling his story. "And you met your first real partner?" I prompted.

He exhaled, relieved at how calm I managed to sound. He shook his head. "Not exactly. I stayed alone for a long time, not believing I deserved a partner, and terrified that somehow, if I made too much noise, news of my whereabouts would reach JYP. During that time, I rumors that JYP had disintegrated, so I could come out of hiding, so to speak. I slowly started putting myself out there and eventually, I found someone who was just about as lost as I was, and desperate for a new start. Dana."

And we had come full circle; I knew what happened from there. He and Dana came to Chris's settlement, and he'd been there ever since. He'd only had two partners since he worked for JYP, before me.

There was an incredible sense of relief, hearing what he had to say, and there was no doubt in my mind that it was all true. He'd lied to so many people for so long. He had even lied to and deceived himself. And somehow, I feel like I trust him more than anyone in this world. Like he really had no energy for lies left in him, unless he thought a lie would save me from pain. Yes, he lied to protect me all the time, but I felt like I couldn't be angry at him for those. 

I sat up and crawled toward him, sitting beside him and taking his hand in mine. It was warm and sweaty, and a little raw from how hard he'd been wringing his hands while he spoke. But he now held my hand with the gentlest hold, only the slightest amount of pressure on my fingers. "Thank you for telling me all of that." I whispered. "I know that wasn't easy to talk about."

He bit his lip, staring down at our hands. I reached up with my free hand, and ran my fingers through his hair, which was almost completely dry from his shower. I stroked his head a few times, before pulling him closer to me. He let himself fall, burying his head in my shoulder, wrapping both of his arms around my waist, squeezing. "Now try to forget it all again." I whispered into the top of his head. "It's gone and in the past. I will never ask you about it again. I promise."