Unsuspecting Blessing.

xxv

xxv

Once we returned to Brian's house, I felt more comfortable in the car with his Mom; funny how we only adapt to uncomfortable situations after they end. Grace intimidated me in the very beginning, but after some slight car small talk my words are easier to come out, but still hesitant. I am still trying to decide whether she did that on purpose or not—and if I made a good first impression, if I made one at all. Brian did not turn any music on for the drive back, which was about ten minutes, and the silence did not overtake us as soon as she started asking me questions. Grace asked me about college, and my major, and how I am doing in my classes since the accident; I told her that they became more challenging than ever in the beginning, but thanks to Brian I was able to keep up with everyone and not have to drop out for the rest of the semester until I got my footing again, which I would have inevitably needed to do otherwise if he had not aided me so. Her questions were mostly lighthearted—nothing stern or sharp like what my intentions are with her son, but I am sure those are to come sooner or later once she catches onto our intimacy with each other. I still frustrate myself with the fact that I cannot see how he perceives me in his mind, but the lack of clairvoyance is a gift in a relationship, because if people truly knew all none would survive. Prometheus gave us fire, thank the lord that is all. Sometimes I make worries about unnecessary assumptions that are unintentional, and unfortunately they are surplus in my head; they are superfluous to say the least because they concern the obvious like 'what if' questions. What if Brian is only attached to me like a caregiver and is seeing my affection as pure payment? But that is lunacy compared to the dedication he has given to me. Now those 'what if' questions have transformed to deal with his Mother, who barely knows me enough to make hypothetical judgements on my character, at least, not an in depth attitude about me, and burden me with pangs of anxiety about a distant future that does not yet have any credibility to its name. Like, what if she denies me a blessing? I guess it is only natural—primitive, but natural—for a woman to ponder upon the future with anyone she finds herself supremely attached to, it is hard-wired into our genetics to survive and a woman finding a man is the most known way our ancestors conceived. Nowadays marriage is overproduced with giant commerciality that forces insincere traditions that indebt people, so minimally for the worthwhileness of it all, so the founding corporations continue to gain wealth. Nevertheless, these thoughts are so impermanent and non-required to give love to someone, so why even have them in the first place? Why do I suffer so much about my future with someone that has every chance of leaving me as they do staying. What if he leaves me?

The rest of the night after that car ride felt like a blur after I became the proprietor of my own demise.