the essence of life is love

Naamloos deel 23

"Do you know that I've been thinking about my father a lot lately?"

Rick remains seated quietly, as he usually does during these conversations. His legs are crossed, a notepad on his lap for writing. His hands are clasped together on top of it. His breathing is calm and clearly visible. Nothing in him or about him appears tense. Nothing Bo tells him will disrupt his role as a listener.

"I occasionally dream about him."

"Why do you think about your father now?"

"I'm not sure, maybe it has something to do with my personality."

"What could that be? Is there something specific about your role?"

Bo is now still, nerves racing through his body. He has never been so afraid of a conversation. And the worst part is that Rick hasn't asked or done anything to bring up his father. In all these years, Bo has never revealed more about his father than his death.

Rick sits calmly and looks at Bo. This conversation was scheduled for an hour from now, this morning, Bo himself requested Rick to sit here as soon as possible. They've been sitting for about half an hour, and not much has been said. Bo is nervous, seemingly fearful. Occasionally, he touches his cheek or leg with his hand. Rick sees everything, remembers everything.

"I don't know exactly, I think there might be a text that makes me think of him."

"Do you know which text?"

"No, not anymore."

Outside, it seems warm, the sun shines brightly on the trees. The green color seems to have disappeared, leaving only white, gray, and black tones in the outside world.

"It scares me, you know. My father has been dead for so long. I don't remember much anymore." Rick can see that Bo is lying, his fingers lightly trembling, uncertainty in his voice when Bo speaks.

"What are your strongest thoughts when you think about your father?"

In Bo's mind, mainly the smells of sweat come up. He detests that smell, old sweat mixed with perfume, a strong scent that suddenly tickles his nose as if his father is standing next to him. Later, there is also the recognition of alcohol. Maybe even then, but Bo didn't know that yet. After the smell, there is the feeling of being hit on his face, on his buttocks, later, it turns into kicks to his leg. The cause is often unclear to young Bo. Looking back now, it seems to happen every time he has been at friends' homes or played with friends.

"I know my father adhered to conservative parenting methods. He was strict with me. I just didn't try hard enough, I think."

This is still Bo's belief, he brought it all upon himself. He can't blame his father for punishing him for all those times he didn't listen, didn't follow the agreements and rules.

"It's just strange to think about it now. It will pass, surely." Rick hears a denial that doesn't seem to be directed at him. It's as if Bo is saying it out loud to convince himself.

"He was a good father, there was nothing wrong." ...