the essence of life is love

Naamloos deel 78

"Sorry, I didn't want to tell it like that. Lara is right, but I just didn't know yet."

His father searches for the TV remote, it takes him a few minutes to turn it off. First, the volume was loud, then a different channel. His fingers seemed to tremble.

"I'm sorry, I wanted to present this differently."

His mother has shifted, still looking at him with a straight back. His father adjusts his position.

"For how long?"

"I've only really figured it out in the last few weeks."

"What? Why didn't you tell us?"

"It's not something I realized immediately. It's not like I woke up one morning and thought, 'Okay, now I'm gay.' Apparently, it doesn't work that way."

"How then?"

It's the first time his mother reacts, she's calm without any facial expression.

"In recent years, there was always something, something that didn't seem right. At first, I thought it was because of Lara, that she was too bossy or too dominant. Since she's gone, I've had more space in my head to think. I was already working on the soap. But that was coincidental. I also met someone, things happened that really made me think. And when I was away for the photo shoot, I met someone there."

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

His mother's voice is soft, almost shy.

"No, Mom, I don't have a boyfriend. Not yet. I don't know if I'll ever fall in love for real, but right now, I'm alone."

"And Bo?"

"I don't know. I haven't said anything yet. Only Rick knows. I've spoken to him a few times recently."

Then it's silent. His parents look at him for a while and then at their feet. After half an hour, Seb announces that he's going to bed. Without getting an answer, he goes to his childhood room.

In his bed, which is just a bit too short, Seb lies with his knees drawn up, trying to sleep. The phone conversation with Lara keeps replaying in his head, followed by the look in his parents' eyes – empty, hollow, nothing seems to be there. He lies awake for a long time. Only deep into the night does he fall into a short, restless sleep.

In the kitchen, he prepares breakfast for everyone. Later, Seb goes to his sister's room and wakes her up. Sitting on the edge of her bed, he tells her stories about the shootings over the past months. Ann grabs his arm and hangs onto him. Imperfectly, she asks about Bo, whether he really loves him. She doesn't quite understand that acting is different from real life.

"Yes, I love Bo."

"Then it's okay."

After that, she kisses his cheek with a wet kiss.

"Food! Hungry!"

With a loud cry, she wants to jump up, something she can't do. Seb takes her in his arms gently and brings her to the kitchen. There, he puts her in her special chair. His mother has also entered the kitchen by now, saying nothing, performing all her actions seemingly automatically.

Only the next day, in a few hours, Seb will return to his house. His mother tells him to sit down.

"Sorry, Seb, I need time to process this. I understand that you're happy. I'm not sure yet. It's not that I don't wish you well. It's more that I didn't see this coming."

"Didn't you suspect anything? When I was young or something?"

"No, not really. I never thought about it."

Seb sees that she's lying, not all mothers have that gift. Yet he lets it pass. This is not the moment for a fight. He doesn't want to leave on bad terms.

"Have you, ever, been with someone, you know."

"Have I slept with a man? Yes."

"While you were still with Lara?"

"No, never. I suspect, I have no proof that she thought differently about monogamy, but I stuck to it."

"So, it was only in recent times. Could it be that..."

Before his mother can speculate further, he stops her with a raised hand.

"Mama, it's not because of Lara or someone else. It's what I feel, what I experience. It has nothing to do with women in this. Really. When I go to bed with a woman, it's different. I don't feel comfortable with it. There's something that keeps saying it's not fair. Especially after I've slept with a man. The first time was so different, for the first time, I could just be honest and didn't have to think about anything else. I was genuinely happy that time. That's what I am. I'm just a man who loves men, more than women. That's it, nothing more, nothing less."