the essence of life is love

Naamloos deel 31

Two men sitting across from each other avoid eye contact, Bo seems shy. Rick tries to relax in his own small house. He looks openly and calmly at his guest. Bo glances around the room. There's a lot in the cabinets. Items that look like small, artful dolls, sometimes a stack of loose papers, sometimes he sees magazines, also books. Even though they are dingy and yellowed, some broken in two parts, read to pieces by his mother or others, that can't be determined anymore. Pieces of worn-out carpets lie on the floor, with shreds of notes in various colours scattered over them. Bo can't tell if anything is written on them. In a vase on the windowsill stands a dried bouquet of flowers, it must have been there for a long time, as dust particles are visible through the backlight from outside.

"Did your mother really live here?"

"Yes, this was her domain."

"Are you going to live here now that it's yours?"

"It has been mine for years, just like the house next door and another one. There are a few more besides these, and a couple belong to Kaan. They are very small houses. Over the years, we've been able to acquire them cheaply. These two were my grandma's, she left them to me with the restriction that my mother could continue to live here until her death."

Bo stands up for a moment and looks out the window at the other buildings. They are indeed very small.

"What do you want to do with them?"

"The initial idea was to live in just these two. Combine them into one residence. Now that we own more, we want to establish a shelter here for people who need care but can also live partially independently."

"Like me?"

"I think you could live here if you wanted to."

"You can easily walk away from here."

Rick laughs at Bo's self-awareness.

"That's exactly what I think you can handle. In a situation like this, you can stay here if you find it safe. If you dare, you can also decide to go further and farther away. The rule is, however, that if you abuse the trust, you go back to an institution immediately."

"That seems like a reasonable agreement."

"It is for us, but we're far from that point. A few more homes need to be acquired, and then the renovation of the buildings. So far, we've only been making plans."

Bo walks back, sits down, and looks at Rick this time, there's a moment of silence.

"Do you know it hurt?"

Rick remains seated, he doesn't look away, nor does he say anything.

"My father..."

Bo swallows his emotions and looks at the ceiling before continuing.

"Papa was also addicted, alcohol. Like me, or rather, I'm like him."

"Do you know why?"

"He didn't feel good enough, drinking suppresses things he didn't want to see or accept, I think. He never told me. It seems to me that it has something to do with..."

Bo and Rick lock eyes.

"He was probably like you and Kaan, he loved men, only, he was disgusted by it."

A tear runs down Bo's cheek, but he says nothing.

"Every time he saw someone, he got drunk, then he came home and asked about my day. If I then told him I had played with a friend, a boy, he hit me."

Again, there's a reflex of his hand to his cheek.

"Did that happen often?"

"In the beginning, it wasn't that bad, occasionally. When I was around twelve, I think about every month, and it became more frequent in the following year. Until he killed himself."

"Did you tell your mother about it?"

"No, she was working a lot, I didn't want to burden her with it."

"Is that also why you walked out at the funeral?"

"I was angry, mad, especially at myself. That I never noticed anything. I didn't pay attention while you two were just living with me. I found that disrespectful somewhere. But it was also the disgust, the pain that Papa showed every time."

"That must hurt. Why did you come back?"

Bo sighs heavily, he has talked a lot about this with Jasmijn, his own frustration, that he was blind and apparently is to others, that he still hasn't processed his own pain.

"I think I want to know why I think and do things like this? Despite knowing that my reaction isn't normal. And I want to get rid of this. Besides, there are only a few people I trust, and I can trust you and Kaan. Even mother is not capable of that. I also blame her for things."

Rick stands up and walks to the kitchen, coming back a moment later with two glasses of tea.

"I don't know if you want us to live with you or if you can handle it alone. I leave that up to you."

"I would like to be together for a while. There are things my father did, things I blame my mom for, which makes me unsure if I can handle it alone. It's safer for me if you're there for me to fall back on. Especially now that I'm also working."

"Shall we ride back with you later? Or do you want me to come later?"

"Can I go home with you?"

Rick nods at Bo.