the essence of life is love

Naamloos deel 45

"Guys, good job."

D'Judge approaches Seb and Bo. This is the first time he compliments the two men after shooting a scene. It was quite a complicated one, not much dialogue, which was fortunate. No, this time it was rather physical. The kiss from the trailer was the starting point for filming a whole lovemaking scene. More and more nudity, more and more physical contact.

When Bo comes home, Kaan dropped him off, but Seb stayed at home, and he doesn't come back. Rick is also not there, he hasn't stayed overnight for a while. After his mother's funeral, he's mostly in his office during the day. Bo has already checked how Rick and Kaan's residence looked. The entire apartment, however small, consists of a practical, not too large pantry for cooking, a bedroom that is quite spacious, there's even room for two chairs and a TV. He knows the counselling room well, it would normally be a living room.

The bedroom is empty, no chairs and no bed, the cupboards are empty except for a few bath towels. In the pantry, there are a few mugs and an untouched coffee machine. There's still a pack of cookies and some tea and coffee, and the rest of the shelves are gathering dust.

Rick removed everything from the apartment at a time when Bo wasn't home. It took Bo days to realize that Rick and Kaan came driving together. Then Bo went out with Kaan, and Rick settled into the counselling room. Or in the kitchen when Inez or Esmee came in.

When he's home alone, Bo increasingly visits the empty rooms. He's never sure whether he's looking for Rick, Kaan, or just company. Then he sits in his chair, pretending Rick is sitting across from him, asking him questions. Questions about the past, being alone, or what his own feelings tell him. In Bo's head, he hears Rick's voice resonating, calm, controlled. But always with a tone of authority and reassurance, as if whatever he says is undoubtedly right, that there can be no mistake.

Tonight, Bo is in the chair again, his eyes closed. He thinks about the recording this afternoon. Seb was calmer than he was. A form of excitement and tension was present in his body. Sometimes his legs trembled a bit before he had to lie on Seb, skin on skin, chest hairs against Seb's pale, naked skin with blond down. Seb's hands gently running through his hair, fingers sensually massaging his scalp. It sent a shiver down his spine. Only now, alone here, does he dare to admit that it came from excitement, even pleasure. This is the first time he realizes that he is alone, completely alone. Never before has he felt it so strongly as tonight. Perhaps it's because he now realizes that there's no one else in the house, and Rick or Kaan won't just walk back in. He could just leave, go drinking, yet he has no desire for this. Or he's afraid, something he also occasionally thinks now. He has become too attached to his safety net, to Rick and Kaan. Still, Kaan wakes him up every free morning he has to go exercise. Now he rings the doorbell and waits at the door in the hallway. Everything seems the same as before, and yet it feels completely different.

With his hand, he traces where Seb has touched through his hair. That was what made him feel seen. His mother hasn't touched him like that in years. It's not that she distances herself from him, not at all. Of course, she can be motherly in her way, yet it seems as if she's not physically present. His mother has nothing to do with a hand on his shoulder. A kiss on his cheek is nothing more than briefly kissing the air. For the first time, it feels like he was touched by someone with love, even if it was during a scene with about ten staff members around him, watching two almost completely naked men. Bo is sure that he shouldn't have these kinds of scenes with Seb too often, especially if he plays as well as he did today. Bo briefly thinks of his father, painfully, also with nostalgia. His father never got to experience this, he thinks. Not from his mother, not from his friends. Father was not affectionate, he was strictly business and violent.

He can't even remember being so intimate with Jasmijn. It was mostly awkward, clumsy. At the moment she told him she was pregnant, Bo did nothing more than what he knew from movies. Being caring and giving her all the attention, but nothing more physical. Before Esmee was born, they were just very good friends. Apparently, when you're young, emotions are intense at the beginning without warning. Just as it seems to be over without causing him pain. Afterwards, it was lonely, a physical hunger for skin, hands, body, and lips that might be enough to reduce sexual tension. Yet it will never make his heart beat any less when it seeks love, affection. He only notices that he hasn't seen or met anyone in years who could make him feel this again until now, he suddenly thinks.

Then Bo realizes, he's actually quite sure that he feels more for Seb. That there's more than just friendship. The most painful part is that Seb is acting, not really in love with him, but doing it for the camera, for the money.