ONLY ME || Haikyuu x Male

CHAPTER TWELVE

++ TW: Psychotic episode and mental breakdown ++

As it turned out, Ren didn't need to enact his revenge on his kouhai. Tobio did it for him. When the first year went to serve, he sent the ball flying so far out that there were cheers from Seijou, chanting that it was a home run. Oikawa was giggling at the situation, an action that made Tobio flush red in both embarrassment and anger.

Ren laughed quietly, but he walked up to the setter as he did, giving the boy a pat on the head and a reassuring smile. "Don't mind, Tobio! You're still an amazing player!"

Tobio reached up and squeezed Ren's hand with his own, though his expression was still rather perturbed. "...Thank you, Ren-san."

Unfortunately, he couldn't stay and comfort the setter for long, as the referee blew the whistle, directing the serve towards Oikawa, who grinned and tilted his head. With one hand, the Seijou captain gripped the ball, pointing at Tobio. "Well, then. I guess I'll just have to show you how it's done."

Ren didn't have to turn around from his position at the top right to know that Tobio was absolutely fuming. He could feel the intensity of the first year's glare burning the back of his head, and he swallowed nervously. He didn't know what sort of history Oikawa and Tobio shared, but whatever it was, it felt absolutely terrifying to be in the middle of.

The stands erupted with cheers as Oikawa approached for a jump serve, sending the ball skyrocketing over the net, heading straight for Nishinoya. Such a choice shocked Ren into stillness for a moment, the gears in his head whirling.

He's aiming for our libero? Why...?

Ren glanced back at Noya, who was watching the ball intently. At the last moment, the ball curved, heading towards his feet, but thankfully, Noya was able to react and receive it, sending it over towards Tobio who'd run up to the front of the net. On the inside, Ren wanted to cheer for his friend's save, but there was also some sort of feeling nibbling at his heart that made him feel all rotten and vile inside. He pushed it down, getting ready to hit. He should be excited over such an amazing receive. He was excited over such an amazing receive.

Wasn't he?

Tobio stretched his arms up, getting ready to set. His dark eyes flicked over to Ren, giving him a knowing look that ignited a bubbly feeling in his chest. This was his chance. He was going to get this ball. Finally, it was his turn to contribute.

Ren approached the net, one of the Seijou blockers running over to him. He was in the air, soaring above the blocker's outstretched arms, excitement coursing through his veins, but the moment passed and the ball never came. No, it got sent to Hinata. The ginger slammed the ball onto the ground, scoring a point for their team, but all that Ren could feel as he landed was bitterness.

Ah...it's not for me.

He hung back a little as his teammates high-fived Hinata and Tobio, an uneasy feeling creeping up into his throat. It was too strong. There was no way he could suppress such debilitating thoughts. Why hadn't Tobio sent the ball to him? Wasn't he a good enough player? Didn't his underclassman believe in his capabilities? Or was he just a liability to the raven haired boy? That last idea hurt the most. He really thought that Tobio understood him, or at the very least, was sympathetic towards him. So to think that maybe the setter only viewed him with disdain, that felt like a knife to the stomach.

Ren thought back to when Oikawa aimed towards Nishinoya with his serve. Now that he was really going over the situation, that move had obviously been intentional. If Noya had missed that shot, everyone's morale would've plummeted. Oddly, that knowledge only made Ren want to cry and scream and punch someone all at one time.

I want them to aim for me. I want to be important to my team. I want to be believed in.

He wasn't allowed to calm down before the ball was handed over to him so that he could serve. Ren took a few steps back from the serving line, exhaling deeply as he clutched the ball with both hands. He was a jump server, and powerful at that, but his aim wasn't refined yet. The awareness of his flaws made him break out in a cold sweat. He had to make sure that this serve was perfect. Or else he might never get his hands on the ball again.

Ren tossed the ball in front of him carefully, running forward and jumping with all the power he had in his legs, swinging his arm and sending the ball over the net. It was heading towards an empty spot between the Seijou receivers, but at the last minute, it swerved and went straight towards their libero.

Oh shit.

The libero got his serve up no problem, and Oikawa set the ball over to their spiker with turnip-like hair, who managed to score a point with his hit. The realization that the loss of this point meant he was out of the serving position hit Ren like a ton of bricks, and he trudged back over to his position in the back right, his heart aching and pinpricks prodding at his eyes.

Was he crying? He couldn't really tell. Everything sort of felt a little fuzzy.

I fucked it up again.

The game moved on, and Seijou served, with Daichi receiving it no problem. Hinata sprinted towards the net, screaming.

"Toss to me!"

Tobio glanced at Hinata, but he ultimately set the ball to Asahi, who won them the point. Almost immediately after, Seijou called a time out, and Karasuno filed over to the bench. Tobio launched into explaining to the team how Oikawa had probably noticed their vocal cues for when they were going to pull off the quick hit, but Ren had barely noticed all the commotion.

His breathing was labored as he stumbled over to the corner of the gym, away from his team. He couldn't face them like this. His back met the wall and he slid to the floor, grabbing his hair in his fists as his brain pounded against his skull. His body felt all feverish and hot, and his voice was all choked up in his throat.

I fucked everything up. Again. And again. They're not going to trust me again. They're going to get rid of me. Again.

I'm so fucking worthless.

His vision blurred in and out of focus. His mouth had gone all dry, and he was trembling. There was a ringing in his ears, and his tongue felt heavy and limp.

"Again and again, you fail me, Hasegawa Ren."

He looked up fearfully to see Daichi glaring down at him, the captain's arms crossed and a cold glare on his face. Ren had never seen the man so angry before, not even when he'd broken Sugawara's leg.

"I'm sorry...I'll do better, I promise! Please, I didn't-"

It all happened so suddenly. One moment, Daichi was standing in front of him, and the next, he had struck Ren across the face so hard that he fell over, hand covering his reddening cheek. He was shaking so violently that he felt as though his organs might burst out of him, and he slowly raised his arms up in a protective stance, to defend against whatever the captain might hit him with next.

"Clearly your promises aren't worth shit, Hasegawa! I don't know why you even keep trying. Honestly, you're only dragging all of us down. Why did I even give you a second chance? You should quit. No, you are going to quit. I never want to see you around my team again."

The last thing that Ren felt before he blacked out were the panicked sounds of a group of people surrounding him, and the sight of Daichi looking at him as if he was worth less than dust.

A/N: Hey! So I realized that the details of Ren's psychosis might have been a little unclear, so I added another note in the INTRODUCTION chapter to to make it easier to understand. Also, I'd like to apologize because I've sort of presented psychosis as a disease / disorder, when in actuality, it is more of a symptom. I'm not a medical expert, so I can't promise extreme accuracy, especially since this is fiction, but I'll try my best to be realistic when possible ! Thank you all for reading <3