ONLY ME || Haikyuu x Male

CHAPTER THIRTY SIX

It was a little bit awkward being the only vegetarian at the celebratory barbeque dinner of the Karasuno boy's volleyball team, but Ren sucked it up for the sake of his friends' smiles. He was completely at peace with his umeboshi onigiri, enjoying the joyous atmosphere that hovered around them all. The restaurant that they were eating at had been kind enough to grant them a private corner, and everyone was milking it for all it was worth, being loud and obnoxious just as they always were.

Even though he wasn't usually one to be as rowdy as the rest of his teammates, Ren still partook in some alcohol-free drinking games with the other second years, getting himself mildly tipsy off of Ramune while Tanaka was absolutely hammered from the fizziness. It was a ton of fun, but after a while, the overwhelming smoky scent of barbequed meat began to nauseate him, so he quietly excused himself, slipping outside without disturbing the celebratory mood.

As soon as he escaped the walls, an immense wave of relief crashed over him. It was much quieter and much colder outside the restaurant than he thought it would be, but it certainly helped with the dizziness that was starting to pound at his skull. The peaceful atmosphere provided more than just sensory relaxation, however, as it also gave him the chance to truly come to terms with everything that had happened as of late. Things had been moving so fast that he hadn't really had the opportunity to wrap his head around it all, from his acceptance of all the components of his identity to the fact that Karasuno would be going to nationals, he just needed a moment to process everything.

I can't believe that all went down in the span of less than a year...to think that the entire trajectory of my life changed in such a short amount of time is mind boggling.

He sighed, wrapping his arms around himself to brace against the cold. The coarse wall of the barbeque joint was rough against his back, but he barely felt a thing as he allowed himself to melt into the moment, finally catching his breath after the physical and emotional whirlwind he'd gone through. All was quiet, all was well, and all was tranquil enough for him to finally feel at ease for the first time in a long time.

"Are you okay out here?" The familiar voice of his best friend drew Ren's attention towards the entrance of the restaurant from which Nishinoya had just emerged. "I noticed you leaving and wanted to check up on you. Is the smell inside too much?"

"You know me so well, don't you?" Ren cracked a smile, beckoning Noya over with a slight wave of his hand. As much as he wanted some time to himself, he could never turn down the chance to be beside his best friend. "I'm just taking a break. There's no need to worry about me. I'm fine, genuinely."

Noya seemed to relax at that, and Ren realized with a blink of surprise that this was the first time both of them could truly believe him when he said there was nothing wrong. What a lovely feeling- to know that he wouldn't be constantly lying about his well being anymore.

"That's great, but you know I'll always worry about you, Ren. So don't waste your breath in trying to convince me to back down." There was a sort of strain behind Noya's bright smile, making it evident that something was going on with him. He never had been the best at disguising his emotions, always one to wear his heart on his sleeve.

Ren frowned, reaching out to rest his hand on Noya's shoulder. "Hey, what's up with that tone? I've never known you to try and hide things from me."

The barest hint of a sigh worked its way out of Noya's lips and he seemed to slouch down, posture physically weighed by some sort of invisible force. His fingers crawled up his chest, gently hovering over Ren's hand until he finally let himself settle down, the warmth of their palms meeting in a delicate overlap. "You have to pinky-promise me that what I'm about to say won't cause us to drift apart, or else I'm not telling you."

"What? Of course it won't! I'll always be by your side no matter what, and nothing you say or do will ever change that." Ren flashed what he hoped was a reassuring smile, not that it calmed Noya down in any way. In fact, it almost seemed to make his best friend even more antsy and anxious, but a resolutory hum of agreement signified that his words had at least urged Noya to confess what was on his mind.

"Okay- well as long as you promise." He took a deep breath before blurting out his next words as if it were hurting him to keep it all bottled up. "I like you, Ren. Like, more than a best friend should. If I knew what it felt like, I'd even say that I love you, but I've never felt like this about anyone else before, so I'm not even sure what I should be calling these emotions."

That's not exactly what I meant by confess...

He kept quiet, not because he was disturbed by the sudden declaration but because he was stunned into silence, unable to utter a word as Noya continued rambling, nervously jumbling his speech in a torrent of speedy, heartfelt claims. "It's been a long time coming, actually. I've loved you for over a year and I've known that I have these feelings since you came back to the team after your suspension. And obviously I completely understand if you don't feel the same way! I mean it when I say that I care about you more than any other person in the world, and I would never force you into anything that you aren't totally into. Before any form of romance, you are my best friend. I would rather we stay that way than for you to force yourself into accepting my feelings."

There is no way that this is happening to me again. For the second time? Really? Oh god, and this means that there are now two people I have to think about...if I accept one, I end up hurting the other. If I accept neither, I end up hurting both. And even if they say that they won't be offended by my decision, I know that they'll be wounded.

Yu is one of the most important people in my life, Tobio is one of the most endearing. How can I pick one? What if I can't pick either? Goodness...

Unfortunately, he seemed to have hesitated for too long in his panic to come up with an answer. Noya shook his head gently, removing Ren's hand from his shoulder but still holding onto it with a firm grip. "I know that this is a surprise, and I know that you haven't settled things with Kageyama yet. Please, take as long as you need to give me a reply. I understand how your brain works, Ren. You always require solitude and time in order to make such big decisions. I just hope you know that no matter what, I'll always be there for you. No matter what changes, that never will."

With that flourish of reassurance, Noya let go, disappearing back inside to rejoin the rest of the team. Ren was still frozen in place, hand hovering in the air, already feeling cold from the absence of his best friend's touch. And as the chill of the evening weather pierced through his skin once more, he began to realize how frosty the world felt without Nishinoya Yu there beside him.

Why is it always me...?

And what am I going to do now?