Trying To Survive

A New Mind

~ Chapter 17 ~

I make my way up to the roof with a few tears rolling down my cheeks.

The reasons why I don't want to take my pills tonight is cause whenever I do take Paxil, I become very numb. That numbness is fake. It is just chemicals messing with your brain to make you think you are better, truthfully, it doesn't. Why do you think after the pills wear off you're back to the same feeling that made have to take the pills? The drugs won't make you better.

I would much rather feel pain.

I push open the big door and run out to the ledge. The sky is dark. The city lights drowning out all stars that I spent much of my time gazing at these past weeks.

Taking a deep breath of the night air, shutting my eyes. My breaths are ragged from crying and running.

I wish I was home with my mom and dad. Before all the fighting, all the drinking and way before my fathers death. Before all the bullying and cutting and starving. Go back when I was just a little kid and the only pain I felt was when I scraped my knee.

I want my life back.

Deep down I know that it's gone and I can't do anything but except it keep existing and wait till death, whenever it comes. Or if I force it upon myself.

I slip down to the ground, leaning myself against the wall. I bring my knees up to my chest and tuck my head in. I sit there, taking little painful breaths with little tears rolling from my eyes and falling on to my sweater.

I wonder what it would feel like to be happy? To feel anything but pain or numbness. Wondering how different things would be if I was never here.

Would my dad still be alive and happily married to my mother?

Grandpa would have never fallen down those stairs.

My life was a mistake. I should have never been born.

Picking myself up, I stare out into the rushing city. Cars honking, people walking, living. I look at the empty park. The trees are still green considering it is mid July. I've been here almost over a month. I feel like nothing has changed. I am not eating, I am still very depressed. The only thing that has really change is that I've managed to have my first kiss and make a few friends that I will most likely never see again.

I don't know if it's just me being pessimistic.

"I can't take it anymore." I whisper to myself while leaning forward on the concrete street.

"You are selfish, you know that?" I hear a voice coming across the roof.

"Yeah? Tell me how?" I shout across my shoulder. Standing up straight.

He walks up to my left, staring straight with his brown hair flat on his head.

After a long moment, he talks.

"You treat death like it is nothing important. Like it is simple to decide when to die."

I wait. Thinking about his words.

He continues to stare out into the streets below us with his blue eyes. Hiding his emotions well.

"I can't deal with this, I'm tired of waking up everyday and asking myself why I am still alive." I say with a little shake in my voice, still looking at him.

"You aren't alive." He says slowly.

"Your soul died when you gave up trying. Your body remains but there's no hope left inside unless you give it some."

"How?"

"You have to find something that will make you want to survive. Something that will make you want to live."

I ponder a while. Thinking of anything that would make me want to keep going.

"I don't have anything worth living for."

"Live for me. Stay here for me." For the first time he looks into my eyes. His face is serious, almost making me want to cry again.

I ignore the lump in my throat. "Why for you? You've done nothing but hurt me since I've known you, which has only been a few days."

"I couldn't live with myself if you killed yourself. I know I haven't been that nice to you these past days, but I'm sorry. I was only try to become your friend. I'm not the best at making friends so I didn't know what to say." Parker lets out a sigh.

I didn't say anything. My tears were a better response than any words I could have said.

"I promise you that life will change. The only way it will, is for you to make it. I'll be there for you every step of the way."

"Why all of a sudden have you taking an interest in me? Why do you feel like it's your duty to help me through this?" I let out a ragged breath.

"I- I was another name added onto someone's list of 'reasons why I should kill myself'. It- It's been eating me alive that I made someone end their own life. I can't let that happen again." He stutters with his words, trying not to let the tears fall from his eyes.

"When people commit suicide. It's their own choice. Nobody else. You can't blame yourself for other people's decisions, Parker. You can't let that get to you."

I'm very hypocritical, I know.

"I don't care. Just let me be there for you. For once I want to help someone and be their reason to keep living. I can be that person, please." He takes a step toward me, guilt and pain clearly visible on his red face. The tears running free as he takes one of my hands, and tries to lift up the sleeve.

I was about to pull away but he did something I wouldn't have expected to ever to happen. He kissed my scarred wrist. Very ginger pecks on every old cuts and softly rubbed his thump over them. He kissed every single wound up to my elbow.

He looked up, tugged my arm so I was pressed up against him. His blue eyes were bloodshot from crying, I brought my hand up and wiped away a tear on his cheek.

We stayed still. He just kept my stare and I kept his and it seems all so simple but at the same time very difficult and quite frankly, very awkward.

I didn't really know what else to do. I didn't want to speak. So I did something that matched the mood.

I hugged him.

I don't think he saw it coming considering the first seconds of it he was stiff and didn't know where to put his arms, but he let go of my wrist and wrapped his arms around my shoulders and laid his head on the top of mine. I let my eyes flutter shut and just enjoyed this very odd but very real hug.

We broke apart and turned towards the ledge.

The city is still busy even though it's very late at night. I guess the saying the city never sleeps is very true. Back home, I lived in a town very close to Phoenix. It was small and it only had one stop light and a couple of old stores lined the roads. Being here, in this big Utah city really made me miss home and how much I want to go back even though my life really sucked there and pretty much everywhere I go, I still miss it.

The only way to go back is change.

I have to change my look on things and start to rebuild a better life for me. One that involves happiness.

I guess it's a good thing that I don't mind changing.

Not.

~~~~~~~

Thank you for reading.

Vote and comment. Also check out the photo of the cast for this story to the side and the song, "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain. It fits this chapter perfectly.