lost cause | billie eilish

11 | your abuser

i woke up in saylor's arms, both us naked.

fuck.

we were going damn near all night.

i tried to slide from under her as smoothly as i could without waking her and i was actually successful.

babygirl was knocked out.

i checked my phone and it was endless messages from my boyfriend.

"fuck," i mumbled to myself.

i got out of the bed and put my clothes on. i looked at saylor once more, grinning at her natural beauty.

as much as i don't want her to wake up alone, i also just don't want to wake her right now because im not in the best headspace.

i decided to just leave the house. and as i walked outside, i saw tatum's car in the driveway so she knows saylor and i both stayed here for sure.

on the way back home, my mind was racing, replaying everything from last night. the blood, the fight, the hospital, the tears, the sex.

it's just so much.

i pulled into my house and sighed as i parked the car. when i walked in, josh was sitting on the couch waiting for me.

he saw me and immediately stood up. "oh my god babe," he said as he rushed to me, hugging me. "what the hell? you just dropped off the face of the earth last night."

"i know," i nodded in sadness. "im sorry."

"i- i was worried sick," he went on in a rant. "i finally texted tatum and she told me that you were at her house when she left for work and was probably staying the night there."

"im sorry i just wasn't on my phone at all," i shook my head, understanding his frustration.

he sighed. "it's cool, im just glad you're good," he grinned as he turned around to go sit back on the couch.

"josh," i said in a very sad tone, making him turn around with worry in his face.

i paused as i stood there, looking him in the eyes. and i swear he read me. "you wanna break up, don't you?" he asked me.

my eyes started tearing up. "you are one of the most caring and purest souls i've ever gotten to experience in my life and i think you deserve better than me."

he sighed. "billie-"

"i've been lying to you. i've been unfaithful to you," i expressed. "and you don't deserve that. and i don't deserve you."

he nodded and walked up to me, hugging me tightly. my tears dropped as i buried my head in his shoulder.

he rubbed my back. "it's okay, it's okay."

"no it's not," i said to him.

"billie, im proud of you."

caught off guard, i furrowed my eyebrows and broke the hug. "wha- huh?" i wiped my tears.

"this is about saylor, right?" he rose his eyebrows.

my eyes slightly got wide.

"billie it doesn't take an expert to see how much you're into that girl," he chuckled.

i just blinked, still not knowing what to say.

"you have feelings for her?"

"uh no," i shook my head.

josh tilted his head, knowing im bullshitting.

"i- i don't know," i told him.

"i think you do," he grabbed my hands. "and you know ive always believed that you should go after what you want."