The Irony Of Fate

Reflection

“I’ve missed you.”

The words leave his lips and all emotions boil up inside him. His heart breaks all over again as he remembers why they are here and the reason they can’t be together; it all rushes back and crashes into him with a force worse than the strongest waves crashing down on the shore.

I stay silent. As much as I want to scream at you, punch you, tell you to go away or beg you to stay. No words slip my lips. I just couldn't. My vocal cords knotted, imprisoned in a web held by the past. The only thing I am able to do is to look away.

Theodore sees this and the world begins to spin again as he realises that everything has changed; her feelings towards him, everything. She isn’t the woman he fell in love with years ago. How could he try to reconnect after all the pain they’ve been through? Would it just be best if he left her alone for good now. If he did, would she notice? Would she miss him? Would she…

His thoughts spiral out of control as he stares at her, waiting for her to react to what he has said.

"you know you should be here."

I finally muttered in a low voice. The kind of one which has given up. My brown eyes, tainted in a golden shade as the light of the spotlight shimmers into them, look into these blue eyes, as cold as ice and as grey as the cloud. Like the foam the sea spews out in a storm. The one I used to lose myself into. Now they are just a reflection of who wore them.

Theodore’s heart aches as he is torn between hope and despair. He wanted to hear “I missed you too” or “I wish I could see you again” but not this, not this coldness. It seems all emotions have been drained from her, all her personality washed away by their last argument. This just hurt too much and he couldn’t take it. Theo shakes his head, his gaze wavering for the first time now.

He wants to say more, he’s thinking of so many things he wishes he could say but they feel trapped in his throat. Instead, he shakes his head to clear his mind and he looks back at her, his voice a hoarse whisper now.

"I can’t do this again, I... I tried to forget you, to just move on, but I don’t think I can ever get over you and this pain.

— You should have thought of it before ditching me as if I was just another disappointment and failure for you."

My voice quivers as pain fills it like a drop of ink taking all the place in a glass of water. I look at you with sadness, but no tears come out. They all have already been spilled. Only the tiredness under my eyelashes remains, as a memory of the sorrows that I have been through by your words.

Theo’s heart breaks once again. He doesn’t want to hear this. He doesn’t want to remember the words he told her that day, the way he saw her tears fall to the floor. He doesn’t want to remember what it felt like to watch the one he loves be hurt by him… But it’s all he can remember, so he looks away, too tired to even make eye contact with her anymore.

"I... I regret what I said...

— Oh, you regret it, huh ? Regret what?"

I snap and slightly nudge my chin a bit higher towards you, my firm steps getting closer to you until we are a few inches away.

"To tell me that I am just a filthy Muggle ?"

My hands meet your chest and push you away as the pain is slowly becoming too heavy to carry all alone. So the bitter anger embraces it to make it easier.

"To tell me that I don't even deserve you in the first place ?"

Another steps closer, another push to keep you away. Balancing between this proximity who's controlled by love and hate.

"That I should be lucky that you were merciful?"

I stay silent for a few seconds, my chest rising up and down as if just saying those few words were the most exhausting thing I could have done.

"Don't try to make me think you didn't mean a single word that you said."

My voice sounds bitter, as much as the anger is rising, the tremble is still there, as if my voice was about to crack. Showing too much vulnerability that I should.

Theo’s breath hitches in his throat, every word like tiny slices on his soul, making his heart break more and more. She’s right, though. How can he expect her to overlook the words he said to her that day simply because he regrets it now. How could he expect her to forgive him?

Theo’s breath quickens and his hands curl into tight fists as he is pushed away once more. The distance between them is painful for him but he can’t blame her for doing it. He just can’t.

"There was a time where I would have done anything. Anything. To just see you and say those words in front of my face. To see you banging at my door."

I whisper, looking deeply into your eyes with pain and such deep sadness. I shake my head to keep composure as I close my eyes. Taking a deep breath.

"But I am not that girl anymore."

I conclude quietly as I open my eyes and look at you once again. My shoulders are dropping a bit as  I convince myself that I am over this.

Theo swallows heavily, knowing she’s right but wishing she wasn’t. He hates himself for ruining their chance at a relationship and even more so for causing the woman he used to consider his soulmate this much pain. He knows she might be gone forever now, his time to try and fix things forever lost the day they’d had that argument, but he can’t help but hope…

Theo’s eyes are glued to hers, not wanting to look away even though he knows she hates him now.