Tainted Pages

It's Always "Me"

"You can't just say things like that. It's not funny." She snapped when I made a suggestive joke towards her.

Normally it would've been fine but I made the mistake of making the joke towards her and not my other friend sitting next to me. She looked left out so I wanted her to join in on the fun, now I realize why she wasn't in on it already.

"Sorry, my bad." I apologized quickly, not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable.

Yet she just wouldn't let this go. And that was her mistake. Or maybe it was mine.

"That's a really messed up thing to joke about. You don't know what other people have been through, yet you're making jokes like that."

She droned on and on, making me want to rip out my hair from annoyance. She really didn't know anything, did she?

"Please stop." I told her forwardly.

I didn't want to hear any more of her blabbering. She acted like she knew so much, but in reality she knew so little.

"What did you just say? You can't just tell me to shut up and think I'm gonna act like it's all fine. I could be seriously traumatized and you're acting like it's not a big deal."

"You know what? I was sexually assaulted by my older brother but you don't see me going around and making it other people's problems, do you? I don't know what you've been through but from what I'm gathering, you've never been sexually assaulted therefore you shouldn't be having a reaction this outrageous. I understand you may be soft to things like that, and it's fine, but I have already apologized and you have decided to continue complaining about something that doesn't even affect you. So please, stop." I snapped.

Maybe I shouldn't have snapped. I could've just shut my mouth and let her keep talking. My friends and I would've gladly ignored her and continued doing what we were doing, but she needed to understand there are people with actual problems and those people don't waste their time complaining. Now because of my mistake everyone knew. Everyone. I was officially the "girl who got assaulted by her brother" and that would never change. I revealed a part of myself in the heat of the moment that I vowed to keep locked away forever and now it would haunt me for the rest of my time here. How could I stare at my friends in the face after what I said? Will they feel sorry for me? Will they stop hanging out with me because they don't want to hurt my feelings? I don't care if they do. Them ignoring me is worse than that for some reason.

I ran to the bathroom the second those words slipped out of my mouth. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror.

Was this really going to be me?

I cried in the toilet stall, pausing every time I heard footsteps passing by. I was so angry with myself. How could I let them know about that of all things? What about that time I ate an entire Oreo cake and puked three seconds later? That would've been something funny we could all laugh at. Knowing I'd been touched by someone who was supposed to protect me as a member of the family was not something we could all laugh at.

To this day I still hate that girl for making me lose my temper and lashing out. I'm too afraid to admit that it was my fault people looked at me this way.

Everything's always my fault.