Tainted Pages

Winning Addiction

"Call." I proclaimed, determined to win.

"Fold."

"Fold."

"Fold."

I realized my big mistake. I had gotten too cocky. I watched as I lost 200 dollars playing this stupid game, yet I just couldn't stop. I was addicted. Rightfully so. My father before me was addicted and his father before him. We were all addicts.

I started up another game, this time betting double what I had before.

"Raise." I said confidently.

The dealer set down a card and I immediately lost. I had gone over the top and busted. I slammed my hands down on the table in a fit of anger.

"You're all cheaters!" I yelled at every one of them.

I stared the dealer dead in the eye.

"Which one of them do you work for? I'm going to beat the crap out of them!" I demanded, wanting answers.

"Hey, calm dow-"

I turned to face the player attempting to speak.

"You! You're the fucking cheater!" I snapped.

"You've been winning this game for the last hour! You fucking cheat!"

I was making a big commotion that was distracting people from their own games. Soon enough everyone was crowded around us, eager to hear the hot gossip going on.

"Don't make assumptions like that!" He barked back.

"Shut up! You're a cheater and you know it!" I argued.

We fought back and forth for a while before I ran at him, swinging my fist wildly. I socked him right in the stomach and reared back to punch him again on his left eye. I kicked him to the ground, pinned him down, and punched at his face like a madman. I ruined his face pretty badly before someone yanked me off of him and I was dragged out of the casino, still shouting cursed insults at him.

I dragged myself the rest of the way home, sighing in defeat. I had lost over 1000 dollars in that game alone. I looked around to see if there was another casino that I could make up the money in, but it was a barren land around me. I trudged on home and finally arrived. I slammed the door open and sat back on the couch in defeat.

"Oh my God! Honey! What happened to your eye? Are you okay?" My wife said, clearly worried.

She rushed over with the first aid kit and started tending to my wounds. Despite me being in control the other man had managed to get a few hits in and I won't deny that he was strong. But I would deny the fact that it hurt, so much, it made me want to cry like a bitch.

"Honey, what happened? Please don't tell me you were gambling again.."

I could hear the disappointment in her eyes, see it on her face.

I nodded my head slowly.

"Grab me a beer, would you?"

She nodded her head, tears pricking her eyes, and got up to go get me my beer. She came back a few minutes later and handed me the opened bottle. I took a sip of it. The cold liquid rushed down my throat, ultimately making me feel better but worse at the same time. I sighed and grabbed the TV remote to switch channels. The kids must have been watching TV today because the last thing it was on was a cartoon.

"Could you tell the kids to turn off the TV when they're done watching it or they won't get to watch it at all." I declared, frustration building up.

She hesitated before speaking.

"Honey, the kids don't know how to use the remote. They're only three and four." She corrected.

Congrats on me for forgetting how old my own kids were.

"Well then you turn it off." I told her, anger bubbling up inside my chest.

She made me look like a fool and now I was mad at her.

"Oh but-"

"What? Did you just say but?"

I stood up abruptly, clearly mad. No, not mad, furious. I was furious, but not even at her. I slapped her across the cheek.

"There is no buts, you had time to turn it off. If you don't want to do that then don't fucking watch TV." I warned.

I sat back down, clearing my throat and taking another sip of beer. I watched as she dashed away, crying like a baby. I watched the sports channel for another 3 hours before I got tired.

I threw away my bottle and headed upstairs where my wife was already laying. I watched her sound asleep. I sat down on the bed next to her, her back facing me.

"Honey...I'm sorry. I don't know if you're awake but if you are, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hit you, I didn't want to hit you. I was just mad, I was mad at myself for not being better. If only I could just win those stupid games and bring money home, then you'd be happier."

I turned to look at her, her eyes snapped shut when she caught me spying. I pretended not to know and just laid next to her, falling asleep quickly. I was tired from all the events today.

I awoke in the worst way possible the next day. Normally I wake up earlier than this because my wife is there to wake me. Today she wasn't. I was late to work. I assumed she had already taken the kids with her to the grocery store and forgot to wake me. I decided I'd let it go because at least I got some extra sleep in. I hurt my arm while doing construction and was sent home faster than I'd hoped. When I arrived I noticed a piece of paper on my dresser than I hadn't seen earlier. It read,

"Honey you know I love you so much. I know you love me too, but yesterday I realized that if I stayed with you any longer things would only get worse. I know you're addicted to gambling and I thought I could help, but I couldn't. You told me that if only you won, you would make me happy. That isn't true, you yourself are enough to make me happy. But I know that will never be enough for you, and I know you'll never be able to get the money you want to make that happen. I'm sorry, but I have to leave. I'm taking the children since it's safer that way. Goodbye my love."

I stared at the paper in shock, processing what I'd just read. My wife left me. My first thought was to drink until there was no tomorrow but I thought against that. Instead I went back to the casino and gambled some more. For days and days I gambled until I had nothing left to gamble. I became broke quickly. I had no way to earn money since I was on leave from work and I had no other source of income. Plus with a messed up arm I highly doubt anyone would hire me. I eventually lost the house. Lost our dream house.

When my wife and I had first started dating we talked about the house of our dreams. Now that we had it I was watching it being auctioned off. I couldn't believe what I was doing with my life. I had to stop gambling. No matter what it took. I gave up after a day of no gambling. I was homeless, broke, and alone now. I had no one.

I sat next to a trash can silently thinking to myself about what I'd just done while I smoked a cigarette. I began to cry. I couldn't stop. The weight of my actions was hitting me like a train and I hated it. I hated what I'd become. I promised I wouldn't be like my father but I'm no different. I sat there taking in my surroundings.

"This is how I'm going to live for the rest of my life."

I took another puff of smoke from the cigarette and stared ahead of me. I wasn't even really looking at anything since I wasn't paying attention but no stranger who saw me would think that. I was spaced out thinking about what I was going to do with my life. I stood up and dropped the cigarette on the floor, stepping on it, signaling I was done with it.

I walked over and stood in front of the upcoming traffic. They wouldn't be able to see me from so far. My fate was destined at birth. I deserved this. I watched as the first car came racing towards me.

"I give up."