Tainted Pages

Mistakes I Can't Take Back

"Won't you just shut the fuck up?" I said, annoyed and angry at her.

I couldn't even bear to look her in the face. The stupid thing was I didn't even know why. The morning had started off fine. We went to church, then to get something to eat and I think that's where it all started.

"No I don't want to eat anything from here. You just go on ahead."

"Are you sure? I don't understand why you don't want anything I give you."

"Yes I'm sure. Just go."

So she went without me. I don't know why but I was suddenly not in a good mood. For some reason I expected her to keep urging me to come until I caved. The craziest thing is she did exactly that. She kept asking me to come. Yet I just wouldn't no matter what. So I waited until she came back and then we drove off again.

"Want to stop by the grocery store to get something for you to eat?"

"No, actually let's just go home."

"Alright, but I need to return these items. I'll be back quickly."

I waited in that hot car, the sun beating down on me. She eventually returned and I was sweating more than ever. She left the windows down and I could still faintly feel the cool AC against my skin, but it was still hot. Maybe it's the heat that puts me in a bad mood, that tends to happen to me.

We returned home and I immediately grabbed the control to watch something. It was a show I had finished, except I hadn't yet seen the start so I wanted to watch the first few episodes to make sure there was nothing I was missing. My mother came out at the very start of the first episode. She didn't like cussing or anything like that. So when she heard the characters cuss and murder each other she was immediately angry. She turned off the TV while I was watching and this is when it all went downhill.

"Hey, why'd you do that?"

"They were saying bad words. I don't like it when you watch stuff like that."

"It's fine, I was only going to watch the first three episodes anyway. I never ask for anything, can't I just watch these episodes?" I pleaded with her.

"No, it's inappropriate. I have rules and you will obey them while you're at my house." She put her foot down.

I sighed and went into the bedroom. The bed had stuff on it but I was so tired and disappointed that I just laid down on everything. She came in and seemed to have realized I was upset.

"Sorry, but you just can't be watching things like that."

"Why though? You're the only person who still treats me like a child. You think I can't watch anything just because they say one curse word. The episodes are short anyway and it's only three because I've seen the rest already."

I hoped maybe I could convince her, but alas where else would I have gotten my stubbornness? Certainly not from my father.

"Listen, you can think you can just get whatever you want just because the world revolves around you and you're special but news flash, you're not. I won't drop everything just to give you what you want. You aren't special and I definitely don't put you above my morals. So stop complaining."

That hurt. It really hurt. I know the world doesn't revolve around me, I'm completely aware. What hurt was that she thought that I was an entitled brat. I knew she thought of me that way. She'd called me that many times before. I guess I only really understood it at the moment.

The thing is I almost never ask her for anything. It's not like I have to anyway, she gives me a bunch of things. Sometimes I don't even want them but I accept them anyway because I don't want to seem rude. The fact is, she thinks that whenever she gives me something it counts as me asking for it. I've told her before not to get me anything because I simply don't want it, but she doesn't listen. She's always done things like this so that if I asked for something later I'd have to do something in return for her. That's what I've always disliked about her.

However at this moment, I had never hated her more. She treated me like crap and I had dealt with it, but today was my final straw and I wasn't even sure why.

"You know what? Just take me to my dad's house if that's what you think of me."

"Oh so now you're just gonna run away? You can't just run away from your problems. It won't solve anything. Why do you even come here anyway if all you do is get angry and run back to your father?"

"Well then next time I won't come. Problem solved."

"So you really do think running away is going to solve everything? You're really naive."

"But isn't that exactly what you did? You ran away from your family when things got too hard. Why shouldn't I?"

"Excuse me, young lady you shouldn't be talking to your mother like that."

"Yeah, but the thing is. I don't see you as my mother. I never have, and you know that. When was the last time I called you "mom" or "mother"? Never. Because I always refer to you as your given name, don't I? Is that the problem? Are you mad at me because I don't tell you what every mother wants to hear?"

"Oh so now you think because you learned some big words and you watch inappropriate movies that you're better than me huh? Well I hate to break it to you, but you're not. You're disappointing. That's what you are."

I couldn't even look her in the face. I grabbed my bag, shoved my clothes in it and walked all the way to the car. I got inside and sat there until she came out.

All she did was lecture me. She lectured me for being a "coward" and saying I don't matter. Shit, if I didn't know that before I definitely do now.

So I told her to shut up and she began crying.

"You're my daughter and I'll always love you, but you shouldn't think that the things you're doing is fine. I just don't want you to become someone who just runs away."

Maybe I should've apologized and left it at that, but I figured I was already in too deep. Which is funny because I wasn't but now I am. So I covered my ears and let her talk. I couldn't hear anything except her sobs and maybe that was fine.

Eventually she left the car and I was slightly happy that she wasn't bothering me anymore, but I still wanted to go back to my father's house. Actually that's a lie, I didn't want to be there at all I just figured I might as well go since we're already in a fight anyway that way we could both calm down.

She returned and started up the car. She drove me back to my dad's house and occasionally drove by places we'd been to so that she could talk and reminisce. I didn't want to reminisce. The second I got home I went inside my room and didn't leave for the rest of the day. I also didn't eat anything, but that was on me.

Since then I haven't spoken with her. I stayed true to my word and never went back to see her or anyone else she's in contact with ever again. That was my fault because she did try to at least reason with me. I just wouldn't listen to her.

So now I'm separated from a part of my family because I'm so fucking stubborn. I lost contact with her years ago so there's no way we'll ever be able to speak again unless I do my absolute best to find her. But I don't think I will. I've made my decision. Now I have to live with the consequences.

Please...don't be like me.

I will never get to watch my siblings grow or play with my pets ever again. I'll never make fun of the characters in movies like I used to when I was with her. I'll never be understood or comforted by anyone like I was with her.

I'll always be her daughter, but in this life she isn't my mom. At least not anymore.