Tainted Pages

Songs to Feed the Hungry

I always wondered why my sister refused to join us when we went out to eat. I knew we weren't wealthy, but we had enough money to afford a good meal for us all. So when she stayed inside the car and didn't leave until we got home I was always left perplexed.

Maybe she didn't like to eat out? I wasn't sure but I thought she could at least come inside and wait for us to finish eating, or was that worse? I always felt bad when I went inside to eat food and she would stay behind in the car. Sure we'd roll the windows down but even on hot sunny days simply rolling down the windows wouldn't make much of a difference and I knew that.

Our mother would often try to force her to come inside but she just never did. She stayed true to herself and waited outside. Even when we brought out food for her she'd refuse to eat it, so I was left thinking she preferred her own food compared to restaurant food.

Our mother would often try to convince her to just wait outside the restaurant instead of in the hot car but she wouldn't. Even when sweat was beading down her forehead and neck she just wouldn't leave that stupid car. Eventually our mother got a new car and I was excited.

"Maybe she'll come out and eat now that we have a new car!"

Was my first thought. It was also my last thought about her pain, ever.

See I never realized she quite literally never ate. Sure I'd see her drink water. And yeah maybe she did occasionally eat some of my chips just to bother me when I was watching a show, but I never really realized. One day I walked into the bathroom and I saw her kneeling over the toilet, holding her hair back, with her fingers down her throat. At first I thought,

"What kind of freaky shit is going on here?"

Sure I was only 11 but with dirty minded older siblings it was easy to develop a mind like theirs and learn a lot from them. So my first thought was she had a kinky boyfriend, or she herself was kinky. I don't know and I didn't want to know. So I left her there, not daring to go back.

It was only a few days later I realized the error of my ways. It probably wasn't my fault with what happened to her, but sometimes I think it is. If I hadn't left that bathroom and had asked her what she was doing, maybe she would've stopped? Or maybe I could've helped. But deep in my heart I knew there was no solution for whatever she was going through.

A few days after I caught her, she ran away and I've never seen her since. I could only assume she was dead. So that's what me and everyone else did. It didn't affect them as much, maybe because they hadn't realized what an amazing person she was.

She would make me any kind of food I wanted because she loved cooking and experimenting. We would watch shows together and memes on her phone whenever we got bored. We didn't have many of the same interests but she still pretended to be interested in them for me. We'd play video games together and have a lot of fun. Sure she was annoying occasionally as all older sisters were, but that never changed how I viewed her. To me she was always my awesomest older sister.

About a week after she ran away I found her stash of notebooks. When we were younger she liked to write down stories and tell them to us before we went to bed. Or she'd write down song lyrics she'd make up and sing them to us. Most were happy but occasionally I'd listen to a song that sounded happy and realize how sad it really was. So I read every notebook. Maybe I wanted to be more in touch with her and understand why she ran away. I don't know what encouraged me to do it, but I did and through those notebooks I realized things about her I had never known before.

For starters most of her stories were sad and about terrible things happening to good people who couldn't understand why it was happening. Eventually their problems would get solved and they'd be happy again, but her songs showed more of her. It was a side of her I had never seen. One of them was about a girl who had trouble eating. She wanted to eat but the worries of her weight made her think twice. Eventually the song ended with the girl dying from starvation. I didn't understand why she would write something like that, but then again there was a lot about her I didn't understand at the time.

One story in particular caught my eye. It was the only one that had written lyrics to go along with it which was something unusual. The story went something like this.

"I cannot eat anymore and that is a fact. My weight has overcome any desire to eat and I'm afraid I'll never taste another thing for the rest of my life. Everyday my stomach screams and begs and pleads to be fed but I silence it and simply pretend I heard nothing. In this way I realize I have turned into my parents. Ignoring their children no matter how much they cry for attention. I hate it so. I hate it so much. Becoming my parents was sadly, the last thing I ever wanted to happen to me. I fear for my life everyday. Will tonight be the night that I succumb to my hunger and drift away to the heavens whilst I sleep? I am sick everyday and I fear I will never get better. I take pills of all sorts and so far they have only been useful in making me overdose. Yes, that's right. I've given up on life to the point where I am attempting to kill myself, which is something my younger self would've despised. She would've been so disappointed and yet I cannot help it. I want to get better I swear I do. But I'm afraid my time has come and it is too late for me. The night looks beautiful and I often find myself wishing to sleep in the grass staring at the night sky every night. Maybe I'll curl up with my favorite book and fall asleep. So that's what I intend to do."

At first I never understood this story. It was shorter than all the others and frankly, straightforward. Years later I realized what she was going through. It pains me to know that it only occurred to me years later.

She hated her image. She hated herself. Many of her songs and stories showed that she felt she deserved immense pain and therefore she tortured herself. She starved herself to fit in beauty standards that were impossible to fit in. She cut herself to make herself feel better, because she already felt like crap. She tried to kill herself because she wasn't getting better. In that story it was clear why she had run away. She needed to. I am no longer mad at her like I was before. Before I could not understand how she could leave me behind, but now I realize it was a necessity. Otherwise I would have no sister.

Everyday I silently sit at the table. Sometimes I wonder where she is right now. Perhaps fulfilling her dream? She always wanted to be a singer or an author. She told me,

"I don't care about being famous. I just want to share my art with the world and find people who truly understand me. We can bond over things we like and don't like. Maybe I can make some good friends. And if I do become famous, I can buy you all the Legos you like!"

I prayed every night for her to become famous, because hearing her talk about accomplishing her dreams truly made me happy. Plus, a bonus of Legos didn't sound half bad. When I listened to her speak it was like hearing the sweet symphonies of an angel singing. I hope to hear that again. I hope her dreams come true because she encouraged me to seek out my dreams. So to honor her, whether dead or not, I will make my dreams come true and I will give her credit. Every step of the way. So I hope people listen to my songs of journey, so I can share with them, her songs of hunger.